Now, this may sound like an obvious bit of knowledge but I see many men ask why is divorce so hard? There are many reasons as to why it hurts so much, why you are having to suffer, and more thoughts like that. Yet we keep with the dirty pain and keep resisting the facts that are at hand. We want to control the circumstances in our life. Yet doing so only increases the suffering we experience.
What is dirty pain?
This is the pain we resist. It is pain that we believe is happening to us and is keeping us in a perpetual state of suffering
What is clean pain?
This is the pain we feel as we allow the feeling we have to process out and let the emotion run its course.
Why does divorce hurt so much?
You have your own thoughts about the divorce
The fact that you have been served or you have only been told that your spouse wants a divorce the thoughts you have about the circumstance surrounding the divorce are what causes your pain. It’s not the fact that your wife said, “I want a divorce” It’s not any of her actions around the topic. It is only your thoughts about the divorce and the indulgent emotions you have that keep you in this state of pain.
The divorce is neutral. It’s not good nor is it bad. If it wasn’t neutral you and your spouse would both be feeling the same pain. Yet you see her out enjoying life, while you are sitting at home drinking scotch on the rocks and wondering where you went wrong. Wondering why he gets to have a good time and not you?
It is the severing of an emotional bond
You and your spouse had an emotional bond. Now that bond is cut into two. That is painful. Everybody is hurting. This is often why you get so many people lashing out at each other. That is because of the pain and the fear that they are feeling. The severing and end of a relationship are hard and so yeah it hurts because you are grieving the death of a marriage.
You are caught in a thought loop
Ever find yourself thinking over and over about something that was said. Or how do you react? This often is associated with people who have PTSD. They go over and over the tragedy they experienced. A person who is told that their partner doesn’t want to be with them cause lots of emotional turmoil and those emotions are from the thought you are thinking. Then you think them over and over and over again hoping that you have a different result. The sad part is that doesn’t change the circumstance that your wife is wanting a divorce.
Resisting the emotions
We hate to feel bad. So we resist the emotions we feel. We will start to eat more. We may turn to alcohol for the blurring effect it provides. We may turn into our depression or even work because then we don’t have to face the circumstances.
Yet life is 50/50 and to experience joy all the time would be weird. How your you like to react with happiness by being told that your marriage is over? There are times to be sad and times to be happy. Without the low parts of life, we cant fully enjoy the high times.
Can divorce be easier?
Yes, You can accept the pain and allow it to flow its course. It doesn’t make it hurt any less at first. Yet as you keep working on your thoughts around the divorce you can start to see places where you can be grateful for the experiences you had with your spouse.
Do the thought work
Look at each thought you have. You can do this with a thought download. This is where you write each and every thought about the divorce down on a piece of paper. From here you can see what you are thinking about. You can then see what thoughts actually serve you and what thoughts actually don’t serve you. You can choose to remove the thoughts that don’t serve you and look at all the thoughts that do.
Thoughts that you may have
- why did I waste all that time with her?
- What did I do wrong?
- How come she gets to be happy?
- Will I ever find love again?
- Why are women such bitches?
- When does the hurt go away?
- How can I get her back?
- How do I save My Money?
None of these thoughts serve you. Some are disempowering while others are just flat-out indulgent thoughts that provide no solution.
Allow the emotions to be
Finally allow your emotions to be. Don’t resist them. Don’t run from them. Look and examine each emotion as you experience them.
From here there are many different ways you can help yourself.
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