When there is a conflict in your relationship, what do you do?

We all face conflict when we are in relationships. Some people get extremely emotional while others get anxious and run away and others who just stand their ground. Sadly, many people are afraid of conflict they fear it. They see it as a threat and they avoid it at all costs.

But what if I said you need conflict in your relationship for it to grow stronger? How would you react to that? Some of the thoughts I have heard from this question is so we’re supposed to suffer all the time? Then why get into a relationship if you’re going to do nothing but fight? These are all valid questions and a lot of people wonder why do we fight argue discuss at all?

What is conflict?

Starting right off the bat, let’s look at what I mean when I say conflict. This is because many people hear that word and they think it is a fight to the death. Conflict arguments fights are all words that for many people cause great anxiety, stress, uncertainty, worry, when in reality they don’t need to.

You see conflict is just a disagreement. Conflict can be something as mild as you go to the store. One Direction and your wife goes to the store the other direction then there are the serious high stakes conflicts where emotions get elevated voices may become a little more strained and stressed. There’s a lot more talking with hands. These are the conflicts that scare a lot of people. Because these conflicts are high value.

High valued conflicts

These are arguments are often very uncertain because we avoid these conflicts because of all the emotions that get tied up into them. We start to have scary thoughts about some the other person leaving or that they will never like us ever again and so we break the conflict off. We stop talking and we leave often this is called being conflict avoid and it’s easy to do. You just stop talking and you go to the separate room or you stop acting like it’s a big deal or you avoid the person you were having the conflict with for a day or two until it seems like things have kind of settled down.

The sad part is they haven’t because they haven’t been resolved. That’s why these conversations these discussions these fights arguments or conflicts are so high valued. These are the discussions that we need to have to have a better relationship with our spouse, but we are so afraid of the emotions we are going to experience is there going to be some sadness in here? Yes. is there going to be some anxiety? Oh, there’s going to be a lot anxiety. Then why have an argument why go through all of this discomfort? Why do any of this it sounds terrible. And you’re right it is very uncomfortable at that time. But when you resolve the conflict, you come to an agreement on both sides, your relationship just became that much stronger.

Better relationships through fights?

Yes, all because you are willing to stick it out for the full duration of the conflict. That shows your spouse that you are willing to do the hard tasks at hand. You are willing to suffer for the relationship.

Benefits of conflict

I’m not even going to bury the lead on this one. You’ll have deeper more passionate lovemaking more often because you were willing to stand and talk it out. This is because you are working on those disagreements that y’all have. You are willing to be uncomfortable for a short duration of time. You’re willing to have uncomfortable emotions. 

You’re willing to allow your wife to have her own uncomfortable emotions. Y’all are willing to let each other experience life as an individual.

You will build more trust. You show your spouse that you care. You know that your wife is it going to actually run away just because you don’t agree with her. Because by the time y’all have finished and completed the conflict, y’all are both in agreement.

What to avoid 

Avoid letting your emotions run free. Yes you’re going to have emotions while having high value conflicts. You’re going to possibly yell and scream, but stay present as y’all talk it out. Keep your thinking part of your brain engaged. Not so that you can run up on your spouse, but so you know what you are thinking. Pay attention are you falling into victim mindset? Are you being a defeatist? Are you making wild black and white arguments question

When you fall into these mindset, you’re not going to listen completely and there’s no real communication going on.

Use the 4 pillars of effective communication 

While y’all are having these discussions. Do you wanna make sure you follow the four pillars for effective communication. 

Don’t take it personal

Y’all are both just sharing thoughts that you’re having. This isn’t an attack on you. Your spouse did not wake up this morning thinking she’s going to find a way to piss you off. She did not purposely set out to be difficult today. So everything she says is not an attack on you. So grant her grace so she can voice her thoughts and allow you the opportunity to voice your thoughts.

Don’t dismiss what the other person is saying.

Avoid telling your spouse she’s wrong. If you want her to shut down on communications fast, this is how you do it you will be left with an unresolved conflict because you’re shutting her thoughts and her emotions down. Doing the very thing you don’t want her to do. so listen to what she perceives to be true so you can spout what you perceive to be true also. 

If you’re claiming she’s wrong about everything then how are you going to get to the bottom of whatever the conflict is? So you have to let her have her thoughts doesn’t matter whether you believe right or wrong. Follow the 97% rule. Don’t say 97% of the dumb things you want to say. Just bite your tongue and swallow the blood. Let your wife have her thoughts and feelings.

Be curious and ask questions

Steven Covey says it best. Seek first to understand before being understood. So let your wife have her say. Ask questions about what she says. Understand why she feels the way she feels. Dive deeper into what she is saying and the results will be she feels heard and understood and she will be more likely to grant you the same respect.

Stay present with the discussion. 

Often while we’re having discussions, we want to throw other trash into the mix. Don’t do that. Stay with the current topic and follow it to the end. If you start throwing in a bunch of other stuff, you’re not going to resolve the problem at hand. so stay present. Follow the discussion then see where y’all are after the topic has come to an end.

Conflicts are scary and unnerving. I agree I hate having conflicts with my wife. Yet those conflicts are always going to happen. So you have to get the skill of conflict resolution under your belt. It’s not a matter of life and death. It never is. It’s about who is spending the money and how do you spend it Better. It is how to listen and hear what the other person is saying without taking it personally. Even if she is talking about some character judgment, it is her thought. It is not anything that is personal.

If you would like help on building up the skill and you would like to be coached on having a better relationship with your wife, then I recommend taking the next step and hitting the button below.