What In The World Is Conflict Intimacy? – EP 248

Did you know there is more than one intimacy? Yeah, there are, depending on who you talk to, around 5 to 10 different types of intimacy and I am surprised about this revelation. Because according to Choose Therapy, there are the following

1. Physical
2. Emotional
3. Intellectual
4. Spiritual
5. Experiential
6. Social
7. Creative
8. Conflict
9. Aesthetic
10. Work

Now this may be the hardest intimacy to wrap your head around because this aligns with Jayson Gaddis and his Getting To Zero book and Dr. John Gottman’s views of how conflict is good for relationships.

It boils down to the point of, are you willing to face conflict and not run from it. Can you accept that your wife is going to have different thoughts and beliefs about the circumstances at hand? 

We Run From Conflict

This conflict is often the hardest form of intimacy because we guys run from conflict many times because we have not seen healthy forms of conflict but our parents who were in reactive emotional states, or they would not fight in front of the kids at all. So we don’t understand what conflict is. In fact, I believe you notice a bit of a twinge of avoidance when you hear that conflict is needed in a relationship.

How do you resolve conflict?

Jayson Gaddis is pretty much my go-to source for learning how to resolve conflict because I am pretty conflict-avoidant. Yet from what I have picked up and have been learning there are some basic steps that you want to use when it comes to finding resolution and repair in your marital conflicts.

Use the 4 pillars of effective communication

1. Assume Good Intentions
2. Don’t dismiss the other person’s views
3. Ask questions – seek first to understand before being understood
4. Stay out of the victim mindset

Creating Common Ground

1. Recognize that your spouse is human
2. Identify their needs
   • Use the 4 pillars of effective communication
   • Ask more questions
3. Understand that they will have emotions and they do not affect you
4. Find solutions by talking through the problem

The big problem most people have is that they believe they understand when they don’t. This often is the biggest source of misunderstandings. So you do want to ask if your interpretation is correct and phrase the thought in your own words. If they do not agree, keep asking questions and learning from the responses.

Warning Emotions Ahead

You will need to face your fears and other emotions as your spouse will say stuff that will bring up thoughts that create fear, disempowerment, shame, feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and more unpleasant feelings. You want to keep in mind that even if she says stuff with the expressed intent of hurting you, it’s not to be taken personally. She is a human working through her own emotions as you are working through yours at the same time. So be prepared as big emotions can and often will erupt and you will have to manage your emotions at that time. Do not try to manage your wife’s emotions but acknowledge them as she shares them. They may not make sense to you and that is because they are not your emotions.

Why Fight at all?

This is a good question and one I asked for a long time. I wanted to avoid the scary thoughts that would arise when my wife would get upset or downright mad at me. It was easier to appease her than to stand up for what I thought. 

Yet because of this, we found ourselves in the sexless phase of marriage called roommate syndrome. We stayed there for 15+ years simply because I didn’t want to rock the boat. I did enough of that before and all it caused was lots of anxiety and fear in me. So why create more of that?

The answer is to know and understand my wife even more. 

The price for the life you want is discomfort. You have to fight for what you want. Yes, the term conflict can be unnerving but it just means advocating for yourself. Not running away just because something becomes a little heated,

You create trust in your wife when you voice your thoughts and concerns. When you create more trust you get more connection more connection leads to stronger intimacy in other areas like sex.

I think this is actually misnamed instead of Conflict intimacy it is actually resolution intimacy. Are you willing to do what is needed to reach the resolution and repair of the conflict? If you can hang through the rough weather you will see that the results are wonderful. When you have a better understanding with your wife at times of heightened emotional states you will have the stronger intimate