Ok, your wife has had enough, she packed her bags and some small belongings. Then her friend stopped by and ran off with her. She is still texting you but you don’t know how long that will last.
You had the talk last night and she is leaving. She made some vague statements about feeling smothered. She doesn’t know if it will ever get better. She needs time to herself, or she needs to find herself, whatever that means. It’s not you, it’s her. This can also be a good reason for you to start spending time finding yourself.
We have heard all of these and many times we may have even used those very phrases in old relationships of the past. However they are now being used on us, and that could only mean one thing. Our marriage is beyond a bit weak. Or a little rock we just hit a big freaking mine and we are taking on water fast.
So how do you save your marriage? How do you keep your wife from leaving if she hasn’t already?
That is the question of the ages, and the answer isn’t going to be one that you like. I am not going to pull you around by burying the lead. The answer is that you can’t say any magic words that will keep her with you. She has heard you say all those words before yet here you are. On the couch in your house without your wife.
There is a way that you can have her return to you. The problem is that it’s not through words, it is by your actions. You have to show her that you have changed, and the proof is going to be over many days /months of work before it pays off.
You can’t talk her back
We have all tried talking before. Think back to a friend you were trying to help. All the advice you gave them was repeated back they even acted like it was a good idea yet they never did anything. Why? Because everything you told them was your idea. People don’t act on other people’s thoughts. They will act on their own thoughts.
Your wife has seen this many times. She has talked about what was wrong and you said you agree you are going to start working on the house or you were going to start spending more time with her and the kids. You make an honest swing at it till you get a little distracted and boom right back into the same routine. Now she doesn’t see that she has her own rut to deal with because it is easier to see the dirt on someone else’s face.
So you have to actually let her have her own thoughts about coming back home. How? By not trying to convince her. You start making all the changes in your life. You start learning what you need to learn. You put yourself before your family.
This is because actions speak louder than your words. You have to make the changes in yourself and lead her to the life she wants.
You can’t convince The ex to stay
Pleading with your wife after she left or as she is leaving isn’t going to do anything but reinforce why she left in the first place. You are unable to live without her and this proves that you are not a man of the house but a grown boy. This was precisely why she left. She was tired of the emotional turmoil a grown boy has.
When you try to convince her you have changed you are doing it not so that you are getting better, but so that you will stop feeling crappy. Your wife left and that has created lots of thoughts and those thoughts have created many unpleasant feelings. So the very act of trying to convince your wife that you have changed shows her that you haven’t changed.
If you want to show her that you have changed. Don’t say anything. Don’t run up and start vomiting all the changes you have made. Just make the changes in your life. Start reading books, and listening to podcasts. Making new friends. Attending meetups. Become driven in your calling. All while you are eating better and exercising. This will show her that you are changing your life. Getting a coach will transform your life in ways you never even thought possible. This is what will show your wife that you are serious about changing who you are.
It won’t appear overnight but it will appear.
You have to be the first to open up
She stated she wanted you to open up. Yeah but not actually to her. You need grown men in your life. You open up to those men. You meet these grown masculine men weekly and you talk to them. These guy friends are the ones who you share your negative thoughts with. You don’t crap all over your wife. She isn’t able to handle all that negativity.
You as a man are designed to handle lots of negativity. You may see yourself as having a 55-gallon drum that can handle all that negative thoughts. While your wife has a 5-gallon bucket for negative energy.
Now Can you pour your negative into your wife’s bucket? You can but not much because it will have all of her negative thoughts all the kid’s negative thoughts and the negative thoughts of her friends. So your 55-gallon drum may only be able to offload a gallon of emotional sludge.
However, men by the very act of being around other men are able to process that negative energy. As you are fellowshipping with these other men you offload your barrel to all the other guys in your band of brothers.
The act of sharing your load with your brothers actually converts negative energy to positive. So that you can then go back to your wife full of positive thoughts and take her load for her.
So begging and pleading for her to come back isn’t going to help. You have to be able to open up and provide more positive energy to her. That’s what she wants when she says she wants you to open up for her.
Be the Beacon in Your Wife’s World
As mentioned earlier you are the beacon of positive light in her world. If she can’t find it in you she will look for that positive light somewhere else. So you have to stop bitching to her. Allow her to bitch to you. She is just processing her thoughts and using you as a sounding board.
Your complaining moaning and groaning about everything “wrong” with the world isn’t serving her. In all reality, you are probably wearing her out. If she gets tired of all the negative emotions filling up her 5-gallon bucket she is going to see if she can find someplace that will take that bucket and empty it. If it’s not you, it will be another man. So the biggest thing you could be doing is start looking for other men, you can hang out with.
It is hard to show the wife that you are not going to flood her floors with your negativity anymore. Yet when you prove to her that you can be trusted to not do that anymore will be a huge turnaround in your emotional connection.
Watch out for infatuation/lust
I do want to point out one aspect of separation that can be a big challenge for men. That is if your wife is in the phase of infatuation or lust. You remember when you were in that phase. Emotions are extremely heightened and you are not thinking. You are flooded with all the feel-good neurotransmitters. Of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
If she is in that stage she will overlook all the red flags that are going on. She will forsake you. And if you were feeling that for another woman you would too. Especially if you have been in an emotional desert for the past several years.
If your wife is infatuated. You will just need to keep working on yourself and she will eventually see what is wrong with Mr. Right. She may even get tired of him very shortly after meeting him if he doesn’t keep hitting the right buttons.
Work on your 4 pillars
This is important for any man who wants to show his wife that he is Mr. 2.0. You have to keep after your 4 pillars of a relaxed male.
Work on your knowledge
Get to reading and listening to podcasts. Find some conferences that will help you on your journey. The more you learn the better you will be.
Work on your body
Start exercising. Your wife fell in love with you when you were in shape. She’s not going to be attracted to a pile of mashed potatoes. There is a reason that Bro Thor was the sad comic relief. While Buff in shape Thor was the guy who attracted Jane Foster.
Work on your purpose
You need to be driven. The drive you have becomes a light that attracts people to you. That is one reason you were attracted to your wife. You had a purpose find it again and pursue it.
Work on your friends
Find a group of men who you can meet with once a week at best. These guys will help remove the nice guy from your life. And you will start to have a more masculine outlook on the world around you. That outlook will also draw your wife’s eye. You will become even more buff thanks to your guy friends.
Life isn’t easy yet what really causes the most problems for us is that we are easily carried away by life. If you want to fight that and convince your wife that you are really a new man. You have to work on yourself. You can’t work on her. She has to be shown by your actions. Remember actions speak louder than words. You have to actually change yourself and then stay changed. Don’t let her thoughts change you back to the soft puffball that got you into this trouble. You have to stay driven and in shape. All while continuing to learn and have masculine friends around you. Without those, you will be divorced and you will stay divorced.
If you want help to change your thoughts around your divorce and become a man who is living his life on his terms. reach out and schedule a call with me.
