You would think that men have it easy. If you listen to some groups of people it seems all we do is sit around and do nothing. Well, I am here to tell you that men have it pretty rough. Being a man has always had its dangers.
Peeing in your face
From the time we men are born, we are always in danger of giving ourselves a golden shower. I am sure each of us has done it more than once in our life. Maybe we were too young to remember it or not but I guarantee that each man caught a hot yellow stream of urine in his own face at least once.
Now you may be asking, how is this dangerous? Well, it’s excusable as a baby, but as a grown man if you pass out from too much beer and you were peeing outside there is a chance you may still drown yourself with your own warm water fountain.
Sitting on a nut
Us men, if you weren’t aware, have parts that hang down. Now, these parts are called balls, nuts, cajones, berries, and plenty of other pejoratives for the technical name of testicles. Now there are some interesting facts about our nuts that some folks may not be aware of. The main one is that they hang down and often the left hangs a little lower than the right. Now, these things’ length of hanging depends on the heat. If it is hot, then they hang lower if they are cold, there is hardly any dangling at all.
Well, I bring this up because if you are a free baller, otherwise known as going commando you run the risk on a hot day of sliding into a car seat and sitting on one of your boys. and it’s not pleasant. It has the same effect of being kicked we will talk about this later.
So some men have to adjust before they get into cars or trucks and if they are in a hurry you may hear a muffled cry of pain from the car. This doesn’t happen as much if you are wearing tight whities or boxer briefs since the boys are tucked up close to the body. This by the way isn’t the healthiest for them either.
Adolescent perma boner
Oh, youth and the awkward awakening or our bodies. Suddenly you come to realize that you aren’t in as much control of your body as you thought. Parts of you like to stand out and see what’s going on. Often this is when you are in front of the class and you are right in front of the girl you like. Our little soldier likes to stand up and salute her.
Then add summertime and you are at the pool or a water park and the sensory overload of all the girls in bikinis and they are always adjusting to make sure their bits are covered. It’s too much for a young man. We will often walk around all had with an erection and failing miserably at hiding it.
I know I had that problem. I was in Schliterbaun with my girlfriend and some of her friends and I was just poling out there all day long.
In our teenage years, we start to wonder if our little man will ever decide to go to sleep and give us a break from showing the world that we are full of testosterone and ready to go. The laughs and jabs at our condition are the sources of many an embarrassing story.
So yeah it is a challenge to make it through a crowd of girls when you have a boner and you left your handy dandy notebook in the locker. That is sheer terror.
People always aim for your weak spot
Whether it is on purpose or by pure accident. It seems as if men have a magnet connected to foreign objects flying at the family jewels. There are tons of videos on the net showing this very fact.
A direct hit is painful but then there is also a chance of a glancing blow and oddly those hurt even worse. The pain just seems to just set up shop in the family basket and hang out for a while. All the time the man in question is trying to walk.
People laugh at your pain
See the previous entry.
Might get slapped
Now, this doesn’t happen as much as it used to, but it does still happen from time to time. IF we did a woman wrong she may just give you a smack across the face. Did you deserve it? maybe? Maybe not, but we still run the danger of catching a flying hand from time to time. Especially if we deserved it
Accused of cheating cause you’re at a bar
There is a song by Carrie Underwood sings that sums up this particular danger in our lives. The song is Before He Cheats. This is the premise of the song. The girl in the song sees her boyfriend’s pickup at the bar and she just assumes. It starts off with, “Right now he’s PROBABLY…” And it goes on with every possible scenario she could come up with.
From there since he’s at the bar he must be cheating and so she does thousands of dollars in damages to his truck. All on an assumption. Yet there is no proof. She is just assuming he is cheating. Heck for all we know he is in there helping console his best friend cause he accidentally shot his best coon hound.
But., no! she goes off and slices all four tires, and those ain’t cheap. She puts his life in danger because now he can’t see to drive cause she put a Louisville slugger to both headlights. Then carved her name in his leather seats. That means he will have to reupholster those and leather is expensive too. The dude’s going to be broke for years till she gets her jealous rage under control or he dumps her. All because he went to a bar.
Ladies just because your guy is at the bar doesn’t mean he is cheating. Go in and double-check it will save him money that he could be spending on you and you might just save some face.
This is a more common occurrence than many men want to fess up to. It may be the local pool hall or a bar. Then again it may be that you are just helping a friend out in someplace that you don’t normally go if so take your friend’s car.
Getting your dilly dobber stuck
Now when it comes to our dinglalings sometimes we aren’t the smartest creatures on the earth. Around the time we enter puberty we start testing out our swords. We see what we can put it in. More times than not it is in our hands but other times we may try the pool intake, doughnuts, tape rolls, backyard fence, and Toasters. No Mom I didn’t do any of these.
Yet the one that still surprises me is Penis Captivus which is when a man’s schwanzstucker gets stuck in the very place it is supposed to go. Yeah apparently the holiest of holies can get what is called Vaginismus which is a powerful clamping down and it can hold on to a fellow’s johnson tight enough that he can’t pull out. I mean Come on!
Receiving a bad name for the little soldier
Whether we want to admit it or not we name our schlong. Yeah guys I am fessing up to this fact. The interesting and sometimes sad part of this is that our significant other is also naming our insistent friend. Sadly they don’t always match up. You may want her to call it something strong and mighty like Thor because she will be thor when you are done. Mount Vesuvius, Excaliber, you know something along those lines. Yet you find out that it is Little Richard or your Thing.
I mean there are some really rough names for men’s parts but ladies please stay away from calling it Peewee.
Metal teeth near tender parts
This is also a huge danger for men and our twig and berries. Getting the metal teeth close to the sensitive bits. Now often this is from us being in a hurry and not getting everything tucked away if we are freeballing it. Yet it has happened in briefs too. Those zippers are unforgiving and it will only happen a few times before we make sure everything is in its rightful place before closing the barn doors.
Men are also wary of the girl that is nicknamed Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker if she has braces. Though many of those girls are too self-conscious to really do much with their mouths. Yet there is always the Urban Myths.
So in closing, I wanted to just say that yeah though we men are often portrayed as rough and tumble that is because we face many dangers in our day-to-day lives. So for International Men’s day go out and have a beer and celebrate that you have lived for another day and that we actually have a day all to our own
