The 5 Simple Step Process to Effectively Apologize

When it comes to humans and our emotions, things are gonna get messy often. We’re gonna do something that we think will be fun and it will hurt somebody’s feelings. We will say something because we are uncomfortable or we are hurt as it means to lash out and have the other person feel pain too.

We will at times also do things that violate trust, or be incredibly inconsiderate to our wife. One of the big things that you were told to do when you’re a little kid is to say I’m sorry. The problem is that is about 1/5 of the steps you need to do to effectively apologize.

That’s why we’re gonna talk about this week. How do you apologize effectively? What is expected and not expected when you apologize for some wrong doing you have done? 

What is an apology?

Best thing to do is to start off with understanding what an apology is.

Google likes to say that an apology

express regret for something that one has done wrong.

This is often regret, but we also apologize for times that we don’t need to apologize. We all know that one friend who out of habit says I’m sorry when you know damn good well he’s not sorry he’s just saying the words as a verbal crutch.

But the apology that we’re talking about today is the art of actually asking for forgiveness for whatever slight you know you have done wrong.

Why apologize?

So why do we apologize? There are several reasons that we apologize. We have failed to live up to our side of the bargain, and we are confessing our shortcoming. We have lashed out and said something that we really didn’t need to say. 

As the definition expresses, it is regret. we have done somebody that we care for wrong. It may be something as major as being caught looking at porn or that we have forgotten our anniversary yet again. You can’t apologize for a lot of stuff. However, you want to apologize correctly. Just walking around saying I’m sorry doesn’t cut the mustard. 

How do you apologize 

As mentioned before, just walking around saying sorry does not show sincerity. This is the big key to effectively apologizing for what you’ve done. You have to be sincere you have to make sure that it is not just a flippant “Oh, I’m sorry.” 

An apology is one where you express regret for what it was that you did. And to do this is actually very easy. It’s a simple little five step process.

The 5 steps to effectively apologizing

This is a five step process for how you effectively apologize for something you did wrong. This works for not just your wife, but for your kids too. This five step process also works for your boss your friends, the stranger down the street. The key though is being sincere You have to mean what you’re saying or no one will buy your apology and they will just look at you as a jerk.

before you actually start apologizing, though you need to be standing in front of the person you apologizing too. Then you have to do the hardest thing of all, and that is look them in the eye as you are apologizing. I get it guys we don’t like to stare longingly into into the eyes of our wife when those eyes are reflecting back pain, however, we need to see that pain we committed.

Voice what you did

The first part of apologizing is know what you’re apologizing for. This is one reason why just walking around going, “oh I’m sorry” doesn’t work. You have to express why you’re apologizing. This is you owning your dirt. You are owning and taking responsibility for what you did.

Expressly say what you did. You don’t have to give out why but you do have to express what it was you did

Apologize for what you did

Now the easiest one this is where you actually apologize for that action you took. I would recommend you say “and I sincerely apologize” instead of just saying “I’m sorry”.

Express why it is wrong

Now you express what you believe the damage is. For instance,

“ I know, I caused worry and distress for being late and not calling.“

This does a couple of things the main one being you know why you’re apologizing. Apologizing simply because your wife is angry at you is emotional manipulation. That’s not good. So express what it is that you believe is why you have to apologize. Express why it is wrong so that your wife understands that you are truly sorry and you’re taking her experience into mind. 

Explain how you are going to keep from repeating the problem

Now that you have said what it is, you’ve done. Apologize for what you’ve done. Expressed why you are actually sorry for what you’ve done. It is now time to explain how you’re going to keep from doing that ever again.

So how are you going to fix the problem of whatever offense it is you made? How are you gonna remember that wedding anniversary next year? How are you going to remember your mother-in-law‘s birthday? How are you going to remember to get a card and flowers for her next year? How are you going to guarantee to your wife that you will not stay out late drinking without calling next time?

These are often easy, empty promises that you want to make. But let me guarantee you do not want to scarf at these promises. Yes they are pie crust promises if they are made insincerely. So these are lifelong promises that you’re going to make and I will recommend you hold onto them as tight as your wedding vows. 

So tell her how you’re fixing the problem if you have to write it down so you remember so you can implement that plan then do it. This is a sacred promise that you’re making to your wife she’s worth that.

Then Wait

Then shut up and allow for your wife to choose whether she wants to accept or not

Now once you have finished apologizing, you have to do the second hardest step and apologizing. That is you have to shut up and listen to watch your wife says. Because you may be apologizing for the wrong damn thing. She may not care that you were out most of the night maybe all she wants you to do is call.

The big point is that you give your wife a chance to express her thoughts. And then she gets to choose whether she wants to accept your apology or not. And often part of that acceptance is that you’re going to take a tongue lashing, and you stand there and you take it like a man.

No she doesn’t have to accept. 

When she decides whether she wants to accept the apology or not, you accept that answer. It’s not on her to forgive you. It’s not on her to accept your apology. So even if she doesn’t accept your apology, you accept her answer. Yeah it doesn’t seem fair But it wasn’t fair that you slighted your wife in however way you did. So you get to take a little bit of discomfort and you get to figure out how to fix the problem, especially if she doesn’t accept your apology.

You still have the ability to fix and rectify the problem at hand and that my man is on you.

We’re all going to mess up. That’s OK that’s part of being human. Yeah when you make a mistake on up to that mistake. Take full responsibility and then fix the problem. That’s what these five steps to apologizing. You express what it is you did wrong. Why it was wrong and how you’re going to fix it? This works for everybody in your community. from the stranger to your beloved. Apologize for the problems fix the problems and then move on. More times you do this the stronger you’re making the connections for your wife to be able to come to you when she has a problem.