Drama is in our lives and sadly it is something we just have to deal with. Some folks relish in it while others just won’t have it. Yet many times we accept and even create drama in our lives by our very thoughts about a circumstance.
Here recently I had just such an occurrence happen to me. I had a Nice Guy I know who posted a meme on Facebook and when I read it I saw it as funny. Therefore I put up a laughing reaction to the post. I didn’t see who it was that posted the meme but it was supposed to be more inspirational in their mind, and I see how it could bend that way. Yet apparently there was a manual of how this person wanted me to act and I didn’t follow it. So their feelings were hurt. This event was a huge example of what nice guys or people pleasers do and how they create more suffering in their lives than necessary.
Now avoiding the problem is a huge issue with Nice Guys and people pleasers in general. When you avoid the problem, grievance, or whatever simply because you don’t know how that person is going to act you are going to just let the thoughts in your head simmer, and simmer they will. You will start to build unearned resentment. Just because you are avoiding the problem at hand, doesn’t mean it will simply go away. This all stemmed from the fact that I had a different thought than the Nice Guy and they didn’t like the unexpected emotions.
As I have mentioned before, Nice guys and people pleasers are liars and manipulators. This Nice Guy ended up talking to two other people who were willing to jump into his pool. Now eventually one saw what was happening and quickly stopped, while the other person was neck-deep in the drama till the other person told them to knock it off.
It is easy to become manipulated when you react to an emotion. This is how many different dictators have been able to enact horrible laws by getting the crowd worked up into a frenzy. They will allow themselves to be enslaved if you get the right fear-based emotion in play. Nice guys inherently know this and use this to manipulate others to do many things, all so that they will get back to an emotional level they find tolerable.
There was a lesson, and folks can learn from this experience and understand that you don’t want to avoid a problem. Don’t have others fight your battles for you. Do the uncomfortable thing and face the issue head-on.
What Nice Guys do to create drama
There are several tactics nice guys take when it comes to a problem they are facing. These different tactics are all part of the same issue. They have to control their environment which means how people act towards them and around them.
Avoidance
For starters, many nice guys will avoid facing the problem head-on. It’s not that they are cowards, it is because they can’t predict how that person will react emotionally. Will they be grateful? Will they fly into a rage? You don’t know so it is safe emotionally speaking to just avoid the problem and maybe it will go away. Spoilers: It doesn’t.
Nice Guys will often put addressing a problem on the backburner hoping that it will just fade off into the past. This is often why when you see a nice guy after a grievance is committed they will do everything they can to be your best friend. Yeah, people take this as being fake, and to appoint it is, but you can have pity on the Nice Guy because he doesn’t like huge emotional swings. So they are trying to smooth the problem out without having to deal with the emotional fallout.
To do this they run from the problem. Yet this doesn’t work because it festers in their mind. It festers in the other person and the problem doesn’t get resolved.
Nice Guys Ruminate
Have you ever had a mental fight with another person? I hope you have because if not then I am more of a weirdo than I thought. Anyhow, what I call a mental fight is where you have an argument with someone else and you give them both barrels, but it is all in your head. It is a fantasy where you have all the answers and you tell the person exactly how you feel. You give the person in your mind a verbal beat down and they have no good comebacks.
This helps you feel good about yourself but it actually creates disrespect for that other person. You don’t show up in a good way when you do see that person. Your presence will be of a person who has resentment towards the other person.
This and just thinking over and over about the situation doesn’t resolve the problem you are facing. Nice guys will ruminate and let the problem just spin in their minds. They deny themselves the satisfaction of having the issue resolved. They continue the pain and suffering all because the nice guy doesn’t want to face the emotions that will well up inside of them and will come at them from the other person. All because they won’t let the problem out of their own head.
They become the victim
Nice guys as an effort to not be seen as the bad guy, because bad guys aren’t liked, will also come across as the victim or a martyr. Both of these tactics come from a victim mindset. Either they see the problem as being their burden to bear, or when they are approached with the problem they find every way to turn it back on them.
They use the victim card to manipulate others to their side. So it was meant for that person to laugh at an inspirational meme. The nice guy will look around and find people to tell them how they have been victimized and it was unfair. The manipulated people won’t encourage the Nice Guy to face the problem and get it resolved.
How to resolve a Problem
Now we are to what needs to be done. How does a nice guy stop being afraid of their own shadow and face the pain head-on? The benefit to all of these is scary for a Nice Guy but it helps them to pull themselves out of the pit of resentment and covert contracts. When a nice guy does this they will start to see that the emotions they fear are not bad. They just are emotions. Emotions are just vibrations felt throughout the body. Yeah, some are pleasant to feel while others are not but they actually won’t do you any harm.
Talking
Face the problem you have head-on. Yeah, this will unnerve the steeliest of Nice guys but it is the best, most direct approach to getting past the suffering and pain you have because you are avoiding the problem. Look at it like ripping a bandaid off. A brief yelp of pain and it is over.
This has a few more benefits than ending the trouble quickly. It allows you to come to understand the other person better. It allows you to beagle to experience your own emotions as the other person gets to experience theirs. Hashing out your problems is good for you and them.
You actually are giving yourself the ability to do something respectful. If you stand up for yourself and address the problem at hand you are giving the other person an opportunity to see the real you and they might just develop some respect for you. This can happen even if they disagree with you. Disagreeing with a person doesn’t mean they don’t like them. Just means they have a different set of thoughts and are using a different model.
What if the other person gets angry? Then let them get angry. Why deny them the opportunity to live their life their way? They have a different set of experiences that they are basing their model on and so they will not act the same way you are, and that is OK.
Handle the problem ASAP
Don’t wait till the next time you see them. Voice your problem as soon as you can. This resolves the whole ruminating and appearing as a coward. You also show the other person that you have certain standards you live your life by. So they are able to know what you are and are not willing to tolerate. Your integrity is based on your standards and the boundaries you have in place. If you are going to tolerate people walking over you, then how are others going to know that you don’t like it? You have to tell them.
Use Assertive language
When talking avoid speaking in a passive style along with the nice guy goto style of communication the passive/aggressive style. The aggressive style isn’t going to be of use to you either. That just pisses the other person off and they will often take delight in being able to push your buttons and set you off. This is one reason you don’t want to hand your emotional controls over to another person.
You want to talk with assertion and voice what the problem was in a calm and assertive style. Speaking directly and without beating around the bush. State the problem. Why it is a problem and how to resolve the problem.
Yes, this last part can be a challenge for Nice guys because they don’t like to state their demands. Why should they outwardly impose their demands on others when they can do it covertly? Yet making that statement is needed if you want the other person to have a full understanding.
No, you don’t have to throw down
Much like speaking aggressively, you don’t need to fight. You can actually talk. Even if the other person made fun of you or pulled some grievance that you believe can only be settled with your fists. In all reality this causes you to again lose respect not gain it. You don’t gain authority or anything else simply because you pop a dude in the nose for whatever reason.
Yeah it’s going to be uncomfortable
You will have to deal with other people’s emotional responses. As I mentioned before Nice guys don’t like it when other people are out of their control. They have to manage those around them so they have the expected emotions.
This is the biggest reason that nice guys avoid confrontation and play the victim. It is the easiest way to manipulate others to go and fight their battles for them. They don’t have to see the effects of this and they can have plausible deniability.
Yet if the nice guy does face this fear of other people’s emotions, he will have the ability to have a greater understanding of others. Nice guys can come to appreciate the need for emotions and see how they color their memories.
Set boundaries
Finally, if you want to really show people your standards and scare the bat crap out of yourself, if you are a nice guy, then set some boundaries. This takes the fact that you have to lay out your expectations and apply cause and effect to a relationship.
Laying out boundaries allows you to show others what your standards and values are. This allows you the mental space to know when you are to act and when you can sit back and let a person be themselves.
The big trick for this is when someone violates that boundary because there will be emotional responses and reactions to that violation. Yet you are allowed to be OK with a person being mad at the fact that you are holding them accountable to a limit you set. You do think you have to act at that moment. If you don’t then you are telling the other person that your boundaries are not that strong and they don’t really have to respect them. So you have to apply all that you read here to correct the problem when it happens and then step back and let the other person be themselves.
This can be tough stuff to do and often can be a huge avenue for growth within yourself. If you would like help in standing up and facing problems when they arise I do have a coaching program for this. You can sign up for a discovery call over at Work With Bryan
