Humans and their relationships are fascinating. Many times we struggle desperately for the one thing we truly want in the world. That thing is a true loving and lasting relationship. Yet for whatever reason, we are in and out of relationships for so many different reasons.
Matter fact, there is many different reasons why we stay out of relationships as we fall into relationships. People work with the fear that they’re going to be less of a person because they are in a relationship. You have people with commitment issues who try time and time again to have committed relationships only the wig out and run off. It would seem that if you are afraid of commitment, you would be afraid of relationships. That is because commitment is part of a relationship even light friends are committing that I will be nice to you and you will be nice to me.
There are lots of blog Posts on the Internet, telling you how to find and build a relationship. As a matter fact, there are lots of blog posts on this blog about building relationships.
What happens if you start to question the relationship itself? Is the relationship really worthy of removing if you have a doubt? How do you know if you are in a good relationship? These are the top of questions only you can answer. Sorry I don’t have the magic 8 ball that gives you all the answers to life and everything. But there are some key points that you want to know about if you are questioning your relationship.
Understand why you are questioning the relationship
Many times during disagreements fights and arguments our mind starts spinning off into weird places. Many times this is our fear based amygdala is looking for reasons to take over our actions so that we can go into fight flight freezer feign. And so it starts giving our brains all sorts of ideas as to why it should have control. Why is her face balled up like they are? Why is she shuffling around in her purse for? Is she getting ready to leave me? She’s just looking for a reason to fight. Why is she picking on me? Does she really have to do this now? Doesn’t she know she’s pissing me off? She doesn’t care about me at all.
These thoughts and so many more race through our head when we are fighting with our wife. Many times we don’t even notice that these thoughts are just thoughts. We will think that they are true and they are real, and we will equate them to us being in a fight for our lives, because if we don’t have our village, we might die.
Focus on the type of thought you are having
So what are you thinking is causing your relationship to not be as good as you thought it was supposed to be? Many times because our thoughts are that the other person is supposed to make us happy.
We want to say that our wife isn’t making us happy. Or our wife may be saying we aren’t making her happy. And that is a mindset that leads to nothing but disaster. Because you have no control over your spouses emotions. And your spouse has no ability to make you happy. if that was the case, then I would be making my wife horny all the time so that I can have all the sex that I want. But yet I can’t because I have no control over my wife.
So what thoughts are you having? Are they fear based thoughts? Are you thinking that maybe your wife is leaving you for another man? Are you thinking your wife isn’t happy and she is blaming you?
Are y’all fighting because of scarcity in communication, sex, connection or something like that? Are you missing the ability to open up to your wife? Or are you getting irritated because your wife is whining at you about not doing stuff?
Allowing mental Spin
If you find your Thoughts spiraling over and over again over something that she said. Something that was done. Something that you wish she would do. If you’re getting angry or irritated or frustrated over the different types of thoughts that you’re having then maybe that’s where the problem is.
When we were about how we are going to handle another person’s emotions, we’re busy manipulating other people. Instead of getting to the root of the problem, we are trying to adjust for the other person. This uses up way too much energy. This causes the frustration and the burnout.
Your Manual
Another line of thoughts that will cause us to question our relationship is when you are expecting your wife to follow your manual. Big surprise, she’s not gonna follow your manual. She may try to follow it, but she’s not gonna get it right every time. Because Emmanuel is nothing more than a set of directions that guarantees that you are happy. A lot of people don’t care about whether or not you’re happy. They are struggling with their own emotions at the moment. They’re trying to do stuff to make them feel better about themselves. So they are going to struggle to think of you. So to Expect your wife to follow your manual for word to make you happy isn’t going to happen most of the time.
Clean up your thoughts
When you find yourself in mental spin in the scarcity Mindset, or your handy at your manual left right and Center and frustrated over nobody doing any of that pay attention to what your thoughts are saying about you. Pay attention to what thoughts you’re actually telling yourself about what the circumstance is meaning. We often want to say that it’s because our wife doesn’t care about us. However, it could be that your wife is just struggling with trying to figure out how to tell you she is lonely. She could be trying to say that she needs a hug. She could be saying she wants a little bit of attention from you. She could be saying that I just want to hear about your day.
Yet, because we are wrapped up in our thoughts we over step what’s really happening. We are seeing her nagging and her whining and her complaining as being a front to us. When all it is is she is trying to say she wants a little bit of time with you.
So this is where you need to step in and clean up your thoughts. Pay attention to the thoughts you’re having and see what reactions you have emotionally. This is where often having a coach help you out can keep you from spinning out into a direction that won’t help you. But pay attention to what your thoughts are examine them determine which ones are really true as opposed to which ones are just your fear talking. The fact you can work with your thoughts about those facts can be changed.
If you are wanting to leave when angry
Many times we will find ourselves lost in our own thoughts in the heat of a battle. And you tell yourself, we’re done. I’m finished with it. I’m leaving. Just need to file for divorce and Guard separate ways. Yet then after the dust is settled and you’ve talked it through those thoughts on divorce aren’t near as loud if they’re making any noise at all.
If that’s the case, then I can pretty much rest assure that that’s just your mind making noise. That’s your mind in panic mode trying to get away from the discomfort. Yeah we fantasize that life would be better without our spouse When we are angry at them, but when we’re over, we can put the decisions through our prism of love and see that we don’t wanna leave.
Again, our thoughts are easily changed. Don’t put much weight on what your thoughts are when you’re angry.
Come at it from a place of love.
If you find yourself still thinking about the relationship and whether it is falling apart, try looking at it through the lens of love. What is this? It could be tough, but look back in time to point where you were just full to the top it maybe even overflowing with the emotions of love for your wife. Hold onto those emotions hold onto those feelings those thoughts and that emotion is happening right now now with the time that you were full of love for your wife if she did whatever it is supposedly angered you now.
How would you actually respond? Because you’re not responding right now with love, if you’re angry with your wife. Your responding with anger. So how would you respond with love? if you really work this exercise through completely you will realize whatever it is she did would not have the same impact that it has now. That is using unconditional love.
When you can love somebody unconditionally You’re not going to be upset with them. That’s coming from a different emotion. When you’re feeling love for that person you’re going to feel love from no matter what they do.
Yes, I get that. This sounds a bit hippie dippy mumbo-jumbo type of of thoughts. But this also fits him with your thoughts. Create your emotions so if you thoughts, the emotion of anger that’s not the emotion you’re wanting the emotion of love. What thought would you need in its place? That’s where the exercise comes to play. What would you need to think to steal? Love your wife? And love your wife without having the snarky side chatter that you have right now. Because that too, isn’t coming from a place of love.
Know where the fights come from
Why do we fight? A lot of people would say well because the other person made me mad. Well refer to earlier when I said nobody controls your emotions but you. So that blows that out of the water. So where does the need to fight come from?
The answer is predominantly scarcity. When we feel that we are being short, changed in some resource. Whether it is in money, emotional support, affection, communication, or other types of stimulation. We will often try to find ways to get what we want.
The problem that we run into is that many times we go at it in the most incorrect way possible. Bye, making absolute statements like you never…
You see fights come from our thoughts. Are we feeling unloved? Oh that’s on you you get to create that feeling of love. Now you can display actions that might show how much you love your wife. However, she has her own thoughts of the circumstance so she may think that you bring those flowers home means that you messed up someplace. When we misinterpret the other person‘s thoughts, this is where we get in there in the problems. We start trying to think for the other person and we find out that we missed stepped. we botched the problem up completely. And then we start going back-and-forth back-and-forth back-and-forth in a race to the bottom to see who is the biggest victim of the night. You have the ability to not play that game. You can stop that cycle real quick by noticing that you were fixing to play the bigger victim . So instead, your dirt and see how that goes. Instead of trying to blame the other person for hurting your feelings on the dirt that you hurt your own feelings. You had the thought that you were afraid.
Understand where fights come from you have the ability to control fights. Does it mean that it will end the fight but you have a lot more control in the fight. If you like to go down the path of raging and it’s start getting aggressive you now have absolute full control and you don’t have to be aggressive anymore. You can actually start being a full grown man, except the fact that you messed up somewhere along the way. Because both parties are guilty wanna fight kicks up.
You see relationships are important for us humans. We need them So we can experience life with another person. We start to be able to have the thoughts that we are safe when we have a spouse that we can turn to.
Marriage is hard. It is not for the lighthearted. There is a lot of getting used to each other. There’s a lot of learning how to fit your life together with your wife’s life. And then to do that with harmony and it sounds pleasant, but then we mix in human emotions and that pleasantness gets messy. That’s what makes us humans so wonderful. Those messy emotions allow us to express who we are. We don’t have to run from them, but we do have to accept them. And when we do, and we understand, our wife cannot make us happy and our wife understands that we cannot make her happy then we start learning to have a , differentiated relationship with each other and me being an individual and her being an individual we don’t have to be codependent and then life becomes so much better
