We hate arguments. Especially nice guys. When it comes to someone having an emotional reaction beyond what we are comfortable with arguments are the worst. Because you are trying to defend yourself while also trying to manage the other person’s emotional outpouring, and this can get stressful.
The arguments that we have are often out of frustration or fear. One person is accusing the other and then that person either plays the victim or strikes back trying to wound the other person more. they are called fights for a reason. Often these fights don’t resolve anything and sever bonds more than they fix things.
Yet arguments can actually be good and increase the sense of connection with your wife if you are willing to manage your mind in the process. That is a big load to lift. Can you manage your mind and not worry about your wife’s thoughts? If you are willing to do so and hold space for your wife you can actually help her without trying to fix anything.
Tools for a better argument
There are many different tools you can use to have a stronger connection during an argument. You can do the MAD strategy, but most of the men I talk to don’t want a divorce and actually like to have their wives around.
So, how do you handle the situation when your wife is redlining? The answer is you don’t. You cant control your wife. Nor can you control her thoughts or make her feel anything she doesn’t want to feel. You are able to control only 2 things in your life. Your thoughts and your actions. So you have to manage your thoughts. Even, when your wife is coming at you with both barrels, cocked and loaded for bear.
Stay Calm
Throwing a fit and yelling back at her doesn’t help the problem. You aren’t going to be able to have control over your thoughts if you let your amygdala have control over your actions. So you have to stay calm through any storm that comes your way when it comes to arguments.
Heated discussions are actually good for you to have. They allow you to come to a deeper understanding of what your wife believes and she is able to share her thoughts with you. The cool thing is you don’t have to agree with her! She can have her thoughts and you can have your thoughts and yall are both OK with that.
How do you take an argument and change it into a heated discussion? It really isn’t difficult, it’s not easy either. Especially if you are used to just letting your emotions fly off the handle, but if you stay calm and pay attention to your thoughts you can allow your wife to have her say and you can actually come to understand where your wife is coming from in her concerns.
Ask questions
If you get curious about what the why your wife is upset, you are able to help her think of her own solutions. If she is upset at your this also allows you to find out the details of what is making her afraid. Fear is the most common reason a person will lash out at their significant other. So it would stand to reason that your wife has a fear about something.
Now it could also be from frustration that she is wanting your to do something and she is making your actions mean something completely different. Remember that your thoughts are yours your wife are other thoughts. They aren’t wrong in her eyes they just are.
So to ease her concerns you first need to know what those concerns are, and then give her space to actually share those concerns and thoughts with you. You do this by asking questions and being curious about what she is thinking. Once you understand where she is coming from then you can start explaining.
The 4 pillars of a connected conversation
Tony Overbay over at the Virtual Couch Podcast has the 4 Pillars of a Connected Conversation. Now, these pillars are tough to do. I have tried many times and botched up a disagreement my wife and I have had. Yet when you follow these pillars you find that you get more understanding with your wife.
The 4 pillars of a connected conversation are,
- Assuming good intentions – Your wife didn’t wake up thinking how she could attack you today.
- Don’t send the message of “you’re wrong” or “I don’t believe you,” EVEN IF you think the other person is wrong, or you don’t believe them – This is tough because you want to defend yourself. Just shut up.
- Ask questions BEFORE making comments – Again get curious
- Stay present, lean in, and do all that you can to stay out of “victim mode.” – For Nice guys, this is a challenge. Especially if you are feeling like you are just getting beat up. Stay out of the victim mindset you will get further and build more respect.
Use the 97% rule
Now, this is probably the best tool a man can use when talking to his wife. That is the 97% rule. Essentially that is 97% of the stuff you want to say when in an argument don’t say it. Just shut your mouth and let her go. Yeah, it may help your defense but just let it be it’s not as important as you would think.
Now, this is a bit tongue in cheek but it also holds some weight. When we are feeling attacked or have anxiety about our wife being upset with us we want to speak our minds and we speak under the power of emotion and that will get us into trouble more times than not so just zip it.
