When you’re first married, you and your wife may go at it like rabbits. You may have morning sex. A quickie at lunch. The night of romantic fun to cap off the evening. The sad part is that it does not last. Slowly, but surely life takes over but you’re always in that honeymoon phase.
But one of the results of having Nookie as often as you do is that eventually, you will start having kids.
Now, depending on who you ask, and who you talk to the sex life will take anywhere from a medium to a large hit. This can be a huge problem for men because we take sex to be so important. We make the lack of sex to mean that we are lacking in accomplishing our duties or that we are not a good lover or any other meaning under the sun. We take the lack of being able to play between the sheets personally.
Yet for some reason even after the 6 week pelvic rest, our wife isn’t ready to get it on. Why? There are some reasons that we are going to talk about.
Why does intimacy take a hit?
It is to our great frustration and the root of some fights. Sex and the meaning that we connect that intimate act is crucially important to many marriages. Yet many times it is the first thing to fall away after kids and when life starts to carry you downstream.
Why if sex and connection are so important why is it always having to be worked on? Shouldn’t it be compounding over time? You would think and it does if you are working on it. Connection and intimacy are more like a muscle than it is a bank account. Yet it has bank account attributes too. This is why as you progress through the marriage if you are not making small efforts to keep your marriage intentional, things start to fall apart.
Unresolved Conflicts
Your intimacy account also takes a hit when you have unresolved fights, arguments, or harsh comments that were just swept under the rug. Each time this happens you are withdrawing value from the intimacy account. Do that too much and you will face the problem of one part being emotionally done.
Now many times our fights and disagreements happen and they aren’t so much anyone’s fault but when it’s some you have to come together and hash out the resolution.
Other reasons that the level of intimacy takes a hit after kids are more common but many times us guys are blind to the root of the issue.
Our wife is tired
Yeah, even 12 months after birth your wife will still have times when she is stretched too thin. Keeping the house up and take care of the kiddo looks easy and it’s not necessarily as demanding as a corporate boss demanding you stay late. However, child rearing isn’t just as simple as going to the park and letting Junior just run amuck.
So she cooks cleans and takes care of y’all’s child. Then on top of that, there are your demands. Then add to the fact that she has to figure out the best solution and find the motivation on top of that. Then she has to try to look sexy for you. Yeah, there are times she has the thoughts that you are a grown man so you should be able to understand that she doesn’t have the energy or mental bandwidth to be the seductive.
Hormones are all out of whack
This is something I don’t fully understand because I am not a woman. However, I have witnessed first hand the chaos hormones can cause.
The closest I can come to relay how a woman would feel is my teenage years. When your emotions are all over the place. I do get how your emotions are affected by your hormones. There are times I would have the typical mood swings. I would feel sorry for myself and then feel as if I was on top of the world. This is thanks to those chemicals cording through your veins.
Your wife went through a chemical-induced emotional roller coaster while she was pregnant. Remember that time she was insatiably horny? those hormones have got to go back to normal. So the elevated highs and the energy are going to fall off.
So as her body and her mind adjust to going back to normal hormonal balances, she’s not going to have the energy or the drive to va-va-voom. You’re gonna need the patience and understanding to help her through this emotionally challenging time. It doesn’t mean that you pressure her into sex. But you be there and talk with her and be by her side as she is coming around to being used to this new world she is going to be in.
What is needed to keep Sex going?
There are going to be those sexual downtimes. They’re going to be instances where either you’re too tired, believe it or not, or she is too tired. There’re gonna be times when the kid is being just too stressful for your wife to relax into romantic thoughts.
The big problem that you’re facing on this is that it is easy to get out of the habit of feeling romantic. This goes for both of you. However, most of the time it is on the wife’s head to figure out how to stay feeling sexy.
For a guy, this again means you’re going to have to do a lot of talking. A lot of connecting. But also you need to allow time for yourself. You still have to be able to bring the masculinity back home to your wife. So there is a lot of balance that you have to do in the household. This does mean at times you take the baby and you allow mama to rest.
There are times that you take extra work to help your wife so she doesn’t have to do it. That means sweeping the floor. That means doing the dishes. Taking out the trash and any other chore that is typically done can be done by you. The key is to not do it with the anticipation that her clothes are gonna fall off And she is going to be ravaging you. You’re doing all of this so that she can rest. You’re doing this because you love your wife. You’re not doing this so that you get a reward of a handy later on down the road.
Again, you have to talk to your wife and understand where her mind is so that you can share where your mind is, and she can understand what needs to be done. It is easy for a woman to fall out of the want to be intimate with her spouse. Because many women don’t see sex the same way that men do.
Communication
As mentioned in the section above, there has to be a lot of talking. Yes talking about sex, but that’s not all that you’re talking about. You’re talking about your hopes and your dreams. You’re talking about the chores that need to be done and how you’re going to get them done. You’re going to share your life with your wife.
Many times our wife will feel as if she is being left out. This is because she’s stuck at home with kiddo. Some friends may still come by, however, she is still going to suffer from some thoughts that she’s missing out on something.
With this, you’re going to want to sit with her listen to her talk to some of her girlfriends, and have them come over. Have them take her out you stay home and watch the baby. It is a hard time, especially if it’s your first one. There is so much stress and everybody’s in survival mode with that first child that communication goes out the window.
This is why talking and sharing your thoughts are all crucial to forming keeping and holding the bond between you and your wife. Yes, you’re gonna feel left out sometimes. And you’re gonna feel that if you talk about being left out, that you’re just whining. To appoint I agree you are and that’s OK. You’re figuring out how to communicate to your wife in the most caring way possible. The problem is that you’ll mess up a few times. Your wife will mess up a few times as she tries to communicate to you her needs.
This is where the need for communication becomes the strongest. How do you pass through the conflicts and get to the resolution? You do that by talking not running away from the problem but facing the problem, head-on and talking it out.
Compassion
A woman has to feel connected to her man to open up to him. To be able to do that you have to provide a space where she feels safe and secure because she’s not gonna be sure about her body.
Even after having the baby, she’s gonna think that somebody left another baby in her. She will be getting back to an assemblance of her previous shape, but it won’t be 100% and that’s going to mess with her own perception of herself.
Yes, you still love how she looks. You still have the hots for your wife. But your wife also has to feel good about herself.
You have to understand that your wife is having to completely reconnect with her new body. There is an opportunity for you can help her with that, but most of it is on her own. You just have to give her the compassion and the space for her to do.
Support
With compassion, you also are playing a support role. You were helping her out where she could. I understand that she is tired and so you pick up the slack. You haven’t gotten to sleep for two days? That’s OK you will get to sleep later on. Right now with the baby not sleeping through the night, it’s your job to help your wife. Not complaining about your wife. You help her you are the support that she needs. Again you’re doing this because you love her not because you want to give Junior a sister.
Patients
Yes, it’s gonna seem like it takes forever for her to come back around. But with patience and your support, she will eventually become amorous once more. You have to keep being patient with her. I
get it. It’s frustrating that it’s been well past six weeks and she still does not want to have sex with you. this is where more communication and more talking come into play. You help ease her of her fears by listening to her if she wants help solving a problem there you go Superman springs into action. But she wants to just sit and listen. If it gets to be too much, then again talk to her one of her girlfriends and have one of them come over and talk with her. You’re supporting your wife. And you’re granting her all the patience in the world so that she can be ready to be with you when the time is right.
Taking it slow
Lastly, just take it slow. there’s no need to rush to the finish line. Take your time to curl her toes multiple times take your time in letting the energy and the tension build.
If it’s been a while for you, it’s not gonna last long anyhow. So go slow don’t rush. Do plenty of foreplay. enjoy the ride because as you are, patient rewards will come. If you keep the relationship connections, strong they will always be channels of communication going, and you will be willing to listen to them.
If you would like to help in improving the relationship with your wife, I recommend you take the next step.
