Think back to when you were first married. The days were fun and you had several ideas of what the future would hold. As the relationship continues, there are events that occur that can cause one or both of you to appear to lose that loving feeling.
As the years go by many people even find themselves in the roommate syndrome. Then again, it may even be worse, where neither of you are talking to each other. The discussions may even be a bit bristly, and y’all are actively trying to stay out of each other‘s way.
This is what happens when a marriage or relationship is a whole loses, the needed ingredients of love and respect. Couples struggle to voice, their needs, wants or concerns, because they fear pushback or criticism of their thoughts. These little death by 1000 cuts often results in the loss of that respect and eventually the love felt for each other.
Now it may sound strange but wanted to examine what is love and respect as a whole. Because often we mistake, love and respect as being something that we can demand of each other and that’s not necessarily the case so what is love and what is respect and how do you get both of them?
What is love?
I’m sure, you now have the Haddaway song stuck in your head and your be bopping your head like Doug and Steve Butabi. but that is a good question to have what is love?
at space it’s an emotion. Yeah we like to hope that the other person is feeling love for us, but love is an emotion that we feel for the other person. Now often when we are feeling love, we like to display our emotions and we show those around us that we are feeling love.
This is one reason why it is fun to be able to understand. We have control of being able to feel love at any time. You get to experience the warmth, joy, and all the other corresponding emotions that come with feeling love. There’s not any particular act that actually has to happen for us to feel that love.
Good example of this is somebody who is in a abusive relationship. They still claim to love their abuser. Now there’s lots of psychological parts too that is why they would hold onto somebody who is physical, mental, or emotionally abusive, however, the fact that they can have the ability to feel love for somebody who causes them pain Shows that it’s not the action of the other person, but the person feeling love who gets to experience it.
This is one reason why I recommend people think of a time when they were filled with a huge sense of love and then with that feeling, how would they act when their spouse did something that was disappointing. You wouldn’t react the same way you wouldn’t get angry, nor would you so you would have a completely different response to the circumstance.
So love in a relationship is the easy part. Because that is all based upon you. Now what creates that feeling of love? Well that again is your thought about the circumstance so if you don’t have a loving, thought, you’re not gonna feel love. That is why you have to have respect For your spouse and that is where most people get hung up is in the respect part of this equation.
What is respect?
OK, there’s not a song about what is respect cause I could analogy I could come up with is the RESPECT by Aretha Franklin, but that’s a little different. Respect is one of the key ingredients to a loving marriage. You have to have both trust with that spouse, but also to have that trust means that you respect that person too.
Many times the respect is what’s truly missing. And we struggle with this for many different reasons.
First off, let’s look at what respect is, by its definition.
noun
- a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
“the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor”
- due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.
“young people’s lack of respect for their parents”verb
1. admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Google
“she was respected by everyone she worked with”
So as we see, the first definition is an emotion. This is what happens when someone feels as if they are respected. However, this also shows that respect is the act of admiring somebody for their skills, their qualities and what they have achieved.So when we fail to respect somebody, we aren’t acknowledging the value they provide to the relationship.
It is based on value
It is interesting how people understand what value is, but they don’t fully understand what it is value is something that can be earned, and you can also feel valued. However, your demands of a level of value is inconsequential. The value is only generated when somebody acknowledges the value. Much like people who want to believe that they are worth $100,000 a year, but they’ve only been working one year in that field. They may believe they are worth $100,000 but nobody else sees that value yet you have to prove you are of that value.
Respect is the same way. You can feel that you should be respectable but you will not receive respect from other people until you give your respect of other people to them.
A lot of people really get hung up on this aspect because they want to be respected, but they’re not going to give respect until somebody respects them. That causes a logjam and so nothing’s going to happen. You’re going to be disrespectful and disrespected because the other people are going to be disrespectful. This will keep on until one person decides to bestow and give respect. So if you want respect badly enough, you will give it even if the other person hasn’t earned it yet.
Lack of respect in marriage
In marriages, this shows up more times out of things that we have failed to uphold. We promised that we’re going to help around the house more and we fail at that. We tell our wife that we’re going to start taking her out to dinner more often but eventually we stop. These little violations of trust create a lack of respect.
Sarcasm
As the lack of respect grows, we see the symptoms crop up in our interactions with her wife. This shows up as sarcasm that we give each other about what we see or what we do. Our activities are Austin disrespected with sarcasm.
Another blaring sign of disrespect is when we make snide remarks about things that our spouse deeply cares for. When we make rude in cutting remarks about our in-laws, we are in fact, disrespecting our spouse.
When we make a little cutting remarks about a passion, our wife has that is us showing her disrespect.
So if you want respect, step back and examine, how are you disrespecting your wife. It shows up in many different ways. And I may not seem like much but as mentioned at the beginning, this is a case of death by 1000 cuts. It’s not doing much the first time it’s not doing much the 10th time but eventually it weather away the trust and respect your wife has for you and when the respect goes, the love goes.
Think why bother
Another example of disrespect is when we don’t even bother to ask for what we desire. We will often say I want why bother she doesn’t care. These are huge examples that we do not respect our wife. The respect has fallen away. We don’t recognize it has a lack of respect, but in fact, that’s exactly what it is. We don’t respect our wife enough to even believe she would honor a request.
How to gain more respect
So how do you start gaining more respect? The biggest clue is before you start giving respect. Change your thoughts about the circumstances. Your thoughts create your emotions. your emotions create your actions. Your actions in turn create your results.
So what is the thought that you have that your wife doesn’t respect you can be changed to one of. I am going to respect my wife more.
One of the big drawbacks that a lot of men have thinking that they’re going to be able to get respect is by being the nice guy. The nice guy is not nice. So that is one way you’re going to decrease the amount of respect you have in a relationship. People pleasing is manipulation and when you manipulate somebody, you do not have respect for them.
With people pleasing though you have to have self-respect. You have to be able to respect yourself to be able to give respect to your wife. So start looking at the value that you provide to the relationship and understand the value that your wife provides to the relationship. That way, as you provide and give your wife, the respect she deserves.
Understand the thoughts that you are having around the circumstances of your life and of your relationship. Those thoughts are not necessarily true they are what you perceive to be. True these are the things that you believe are the cause of your suffering but yet it’s actually your thoughts about the circumstance that are causing The trouble to begin with.
Finally understand that when you allow respect to flow from you to your wife, this allows you to feel the love you have for her.
