So. you have been dating a woman for a while and your wounds of divorce are healing nicely. The woman in question has all the qualities you want and added bonus she has a couple of kids already. Hey! Instant family, right! Well, blended families are a bit different than traditional families. This is a point that may seem obvious yet so many men get this part wrong. You are a step-dad and your role isn’t a traditional one.
Now to set up the analogy right I will give out a scenario. You change what you will to fit in with your circumstance.
You have been dating a woman for 1.5 years before you married her. She has 3 kids 6 16 and 22. Each kid has their own personality and interests. Your new wife is still in contact with her ex-husband for visitation. You are the step-dad and you don’t have any kids.
You aren’t the parent. You are a step-dad.
Now the biggest point to know is that you are NOT the parent. No, I am not going to bury the lead on this one. This is one of the biggest reasons blended families divorce. Yet I get it, you are the man of the house and your way goes. That is often how many men view the change of status when it comes to getting married. They believe the step-dad role is the same thing as a biological dad. That is a huge problem and is going to cause unneeded suffering for all parties involved.
There are many reasons why this doesn’t work but the biggest is that you are trying to be something in this family dynamic that you simply will never be. You are not dad. The step-kids see you simply as the man sleeping with their mom. You have no more standing in the situation than that.
So if the step-kids are not doing something you would like them to do or they treat you disrespectfully, you can try to stand up and demand that they respect your authority. Yet, more often than not they will just roll your eyes and ignore you.
You can yell, holler, scream, threaten, beg, plead, bargain, gripe, bitch, moan, and groan all you want. Yet you are not doing what you need to do for your step-kids. You are not fulfilling your responsibility to these young ones. You are not able to lead when you are trying to coerce them with fear. When you say because you are the adult you just lost the match with the step-kids. When you threaten them with their stuff, their freedom, or whatever, you are not leading you are being a dictator and you are not being an adult. you are diving deep into being a grown-ass child.
Now if you do bring your own kids into the mix. Then you are the disciplinarian of them and only them. while your wife is the mentor. The step-mom roles are pretty much the same for the step-dad.
What step-dads need to do?
You have to take the time to build the respect you want from them. You cant do that when you just walk into their house and start barking orders all around. If your house is spotless and they don’t have your quality of neatness don’t expect them to suddenly become OCD about how they put the towels up.
You have to lead them. You have to do the work. You have to do it all. Sorry, but if you want it done your way you have to do it. Show them why it is better, and then have to keep doing it. These kids are humans on their own, and you handing them a manual that explains how to make you happy is the last thing they are going to care about. Why? Because all you are is the man who’s sleeping with their mom. You are not dad. If you want respect you have to earn respect. You will never get the respect you want if you are being a tyrant. Step-dads lead by example. So if you aren’t willing to do it why should they?
The key is you have to lead by example. You have to be willing to get dirty and be on the kid’s level. The 6-year-old in your new family will be easy to pick up that is because she trusts very easily. While the teenager is the toughest nut to crack. That is because teens are trying to pull away to show themselves and their families that they can dress themselves, and make choices. Yeah, we know those choices are often wrong, but that is a human trying to figure it out. We always have to do it the hard way. Sorry but that is the truth. Ask yourself would you rather have someone bestow some grace when you screwed up or while you are feeling like crap would you rather have the world rain down around your shoulders?
Step-dad Role in the Marriage
I understand that sounds like I am being soft. Actually, I’m not. That is because disciplining your step-kids is out of bounds. Your new wife may say she allows you to discipline the kids. Yet the moment you discipline them in a way she doest deem right, you are in the wrong. So you do have to abdicate the discipline to the mom. If she doesn’t discipline the kids you would like them to be disciplined that isn’t your business. The step-kids are not yours.
This is where communication with your new wife is going to have to come into play. You can talk to her and give her guidance if you want, but if she doesn’t want to bend junior over her knee and paddle him then that is her choice, not yours.
Your role in this marriage is not a parent but a mentor. You are the wise knowing soul. You might look at yourself as Obi-Wan Kenobi. You are leading the youth in the marriage to a productive life. This means taking time to talk to them, not at them but to them. You talk to a teenager by not giving lectures. Don’t give advice. Step-dads ask questions, lots of questions. You get really curious about what they are doing. Don’t worry about fixing the problem, just listen. When they want advice and help they will come to you in confidence because you’re being respectful. You have to give respect to earn it.
Also, this should go without saying but what is said in confidence stays in confidence. You rat them out you have destroyed all the hard work. There is nothing harder than winning a teen’s confidence back in you. If something is talked about that needs special attention let them know that you have to talk to the parent let them know why and explain lovingly.
Stop making it mean something it is not
Many times teenagers, in particular, will do things that baffle the adults. We will make things said to mean something completely different. You have to stop trying to read their mind. Yeah, you might be able to guess that they are up to no good and you can get creative on how to stop that. Step-dads can be caring and stop trouble before it happens. Yelling like a drunken mad man will do no good. Come at the problem with love and you might see a different angle.
Yet there will be eye rolls and sighs different looks. Stop thinking they are actions that mean something completely different. They aren’t they are teens who are wanting their freedom and independence but are still too young to do so. You have to learn to roll with the tides and know that it isn’t a reflection upon you but it is a reflection of their thoughts. It doesn’t have anything to do with you being the step-dad.
How to become Dad
How do you become known as Dad? You build respect with them you spend time with them. You help them by mentoring them through the tough parts of life. Give them advice and don’t admonish them if they try it their own way. This is how they learn. This is how they discover that you are actually looking out for your best interest. This is the major and possibly the most important role of being a step-dad.
Don’t worry about what the neighbors think. If you have a child that is into drugs. Don’t blow upon them, get them help. Step-dads have to learn true unconditional love. That means you are not going to set your love aside for fear that the neighbors are going to talk. You are not going to set your love aside because they got a bad grade. You are not going to set your love aside because they said something disrespectful. This takes lots of thought work and emotional processing. If you need help on this let me know.
Yes, being called dad is a great honor a kid can give to the step-dad but forcing them to call you that doesn’t show, nor does it build respect it shows that you aren’t man enough to handle a child. It is your name be glad they are at least talking to you. Many times teens just growl or make some other notice and disappear into their rooms again.
These kids need the masculinity you are able to provide. To be a masculine man you have to exercise patients and listening abilities. You need to show them what a man does. The boys in your life desperately need a manly influence so they can understand how to use their masculinity for good. The daughters need men around too. They need to see how a real man treats women. When it comes to disagreements, yeah everybody has emotions and we express them differently. Parents aren’t always going to see eye to eye yet they know how to compromise and kick ego out of the way.
You have a job in this marriage of yours. It does involve the kids. You have to show them what being a man is all about. You can do this. It takes lots of conversations and depending on who the other men before you were they may be even more gun shy than you would think so show up whole and show up true. Be there for the kids that is your job, but leave the parenting to the parent. You as the step-dad get to have the open conversations that the kids want.
You can be a dad but don’t rush it. The teen and other kids have to see that you are respectable and able to give respect. It is tough and you will screw up sometimes yet you can always correct the problem. Get back on track clean up what wreckage there is and carry on. It is ok to be human in front of your step-kids. They are humans just like you trying to figure life out. So Step-dad who is frustrated, breathe it does get better the kids do start to cooperate, and if may become honorary dad instead of just the step-dad.
