About a year ago I put up a post about not putting your women on a pedestal. IT had some pretty good results yet I notices that I wasn’t answering one of the big questions of men who were trying to get out of the Nice Guy mindset. Now that I am talking about men going through a divorce I realized this question is going to get brought up time and time again because most of the men who are getting divorced are nice guys. They are wondering what in the world happened.
The problem that these nice guys getting divorced is that they do not fully understand their part in the divorce, so I wanted to point to the pedestal that is now empty because their goddess is up and moved to a different adonis. I want these men, who have an incredible opportunity to still find love, to get out of their pool of self-pity and find a good strong woman who is there to go through life by their side and live life with a fully differentiated relationship. Not a codependent relationship but a relationship that loves each person for the person they truly are.
What is Putting a Woman On A Pedestal?
The pedestal is a way you look at the woman in your life. We often find someone who is physically attractive or has a quality that just really gets our juices flowing and so we decide she is the one for us. You have seen this in movies all the time. Some Kind of Wonderful with Erik Stolz and Mary Stuart Masterson and how the main character puts all of his attention on the hot redhead Amanda Jones. Then there is Can’t Buy Me Love, That is one of the main staples of movies made in the 80s.
Yet men still put women on pedestals and wonder why they fall. That is because we become blind to all the negative qualities in that other person. If the woman we are worshiping is a self-absorbed woman we wouldn’t notice it We would see her as caring, because she is wanting something from us.
Then the relationship fails because we expect that woman to act a certain way and when she doesn’t it causes mental stress and opens us up for more attacks against who we are.
So why should you stop putting the person on the pedestal?
Some guys think that is what we guys are supposed to do. It is supposed to be romantic by fawning all over her. Giving her all of our attention and buying huge extravagant gifts to show her how much we love her. That right there is what I am talking about. Especially when you are just having a woman pay attention to you again after a divorce. You will fall right back into a rebound relationship at the drop of a hat and wonder why that relationship also blew up spectacularly in your face. This is where you start to think of red pills and Men Going Their Own Way. Thinking you are the victim of some massive societal conspiracy.
No, sadly the person to blame for the relationship failing is yourself. You did have a hand in the relationship falling apart. Either you were blind to the red flags that were fluttering all around you, or you knew they were there and you just decided that they weren’t important.
This pedestal is a trap for you. it is your thoughts that you can change who she is if there are any red flags. Much like how women think they can change an abuser by just loving them more. The answer is you can’t. You can’t ignore the red flags when they crop up. Putting a woman on a pedestal causes you to ignore those negative attributes so you have to learn how to stop the pedestal abuse.
She doesn’t want the pedestal
It seems like it would be a nice thing to do, but it’s not. There is so much pressure to try to rise to that lofty height that you cause the woman of your dreams to become uncertain of herself. She doubts that she can be the person you want her to be.
You actually strangle the want to rise to the challenge. If you are putting her on a pedestal why should she rise to that image? you already have her there. So the woman of your affection doesn’t need to even try.
The pedestal is scary for everybody. we all have thoughts and sense the imposter syndrome all the time. and when she should be able to feel safe with her lover, she now has this extra obstacle to mentally fight over. Now, do you wonder why she is too tired for sex?
She can’t rise to your vision
Your vision of her is unrealistic. She is human after all with her own shortcomings and own desires. She will have her own dreams and thoughts that she will want to introduce to the mix. how are you going to handle it when it is something you don’t like? You see the mental anguish you are putting yourself through just because you refuse to acknowledge her shortcomings. So how is your woman supposed to handle the thoughts?
The pedestal makes you look soft
When you are willing to not make a stand as most nice guys won’t, you come across as weak. You are willing to sacrifice who you are for another person. That very act opens you up for all kinds of disrespect. If you can’t respect yourself then why should your woman?
A man doesn’t open himself up for disrespect. He knows how to build that respect with other people. That does include the woman you have in your life.
Makes you a manipulator
When you are trying to have a woman be something she’s not, that is you manipulating her. To be a manipulator is to be someone who can’t be trusted. You can’t be believed. If you are able to be with your woman for the woman she is you are farther ahead in the dating game and many other men. First, you have to stop the manipulation.
You prevent your woman from being able to open up
When your woman is under pressure to rise to a lofty height as how you view her and she comes to understand that she is being manipulated she stops opening up to you. That is because she has to be who she is to trust. If she is being someone else for your sake then she can’t trust you. She will have to keep up the facade.
So unless you like fake women you have to let her be the person she truly is and be ok with it. If you aren’t ok with who she is then she’s not the right woman for you no matter how hot she is in your eyes.
You have a scarcity mindset
There is nothing worse than thinking you could not do any better than you are right now. To believe that you got the perfect woman may sound nice, however, your actually limiting yourself in options when you glom onto the first woman you see post-divorce.
If you knew you were able to get any woman you wanted to how would you act? Would you put up with a woman who nagged all the time? Would you put up with a woman who didn’t see you as valuable to the relationship? You see scarcity causes you to not see the value of yourself because you are worried about something you might not have.
Benefits of a Pedestaless Woman
One of the biggest and probably the best is that you have more confidence in yourself and your woman has more confidence in herself. That confidence allows you to embrace life more fully than if you were anxiety-ridden. You are more accepting of your woman’s life and who she is thanks to that confidence.
That confidence ups every aspect of your life. You will have a better time in everything you do. YOu get more memories and you get more positive interactions. Yes, you may even get more sex. All because you believe in yourself and that is all.
Your Woman has her own experiences
Because you are not manipulating your woman to be who she isn’t you allow her to become a more well-rounded woman. As she steps off of your pedestal she starts to have different experiences that she is able to share. Those experiences allow her to become a more interesting person.
You both become more real.
Another benefit is that you stop with as many of the fake actions you believe she has to see and you become a real man. and she becomes a real woman. Not a fantasy-laden set of lies that holds you and her back.
How to bring her off of the Pedestal?
The most effective way to take a woman off of the pedestal is to actually work on yourself. Your scarcity mindset is at the root of your idolizing of the woman in your life. So how do you work on yourself? I recommend you first work on your 4 pillars of a Relaxed Male
Man’s Mind
Read books, listen to podcasts, and learn about why you are putting your woman on a pedestal. There are books about masculinity. There are books that help you become a better man. If you need help Here is a list of books that I believe men need to read.
Listen to podcasts that better yourself. You can listen to many different shows that can help you come to understand why and how to alleviate the limitations of your thoughts.
Get Coached also helps you change your thoughts on what is possible in your world. Allows you to explore all the possibilities and see that you aren’t as limited as you believe.
Man’s Body
This allows you to get into shape so that you look better to more women. Yeah, it is a bit of a pain in the butt. Yet it does help you become a better man and better husband.
Man’s Soul
Find a purpose to get out of bed every day. Something that will compel you to get up and get moving. This is your why, and it cant be for anybody else than for you. This is a huge hang-up for nice guys. They are so used to selfishly sacrificing themselves for little to nothing, that to actually live as selflessly as possible and to see how freeing that is, can be a challenge to grown boys who set out to try to impress women.
So what do you want to do? That is your challenge at first. First, find out what you love to do. What do you love to talk about and can talk about for as long as the person wants to listen? When you find that out you are on the right path. Keep exploring. When you find it you will know. From there never sacrifice that passion for anybody or anything. You are not helping anybody by doing so and only killing your “Self”
Man’s Community
Build your Band of Brothers get your crew together. These are the men who you see once a week. These are men you can talk to and share what’s happening in your life. These are the men who will talk about the negative and turn it into a positive. They will work shoulder to shoulder with you and as the bond grows you will grow too.
Once you have these pillars taken care of you will be better equipped on being able to not put any woman on a pedestal. YOu will also be able to focus on other tasks that reinforce the habit of removing the woman and letting her live her life on her terms as you live your life on your terms.
Work on your thoughts
Your thoughts are what caused you to put your woman on that pedestal. So it would stand to reason that you working on your thoughts and understanding how you have control of them can help you change the way you view her from a god to a human who has all their own sets of thoughts and emotions that can and often do get messy.
Take Emotional Responsability
The thoughts you have are from your thoughts. There isn’t an angry fairy running around thumping you on the head with their wand. The act of looking at you in a weird way doesn’t mean someone is picking on you. The anxiety you feel is from your thoughts. The fear you feel is also from your thoughts. The happiness you feel is again from your thoughts. Your thoughts create your emotions. Your emotions create your actions and your actions create your results. So change your thoughts and you change your results.
Better your communication skills
Both genders struggle with effectively communicating. How do you get better at actually communicating and not just talking? You do it. You learn from where you fail and you get better. Read books and then apply what you have learned.
Compare beliefs
Finally one of the best things to do during a date. Talk about your beliefs. Share with her your beliefs about what you are looking for in a woman and let her do the same about men. What if you don’t agree? Then you don’t agree. It doesn’t have to mean any more than that. If you agree with each other then you can go deeper and see how much you agree with it. This is talking and getting to know someone. It is actually a lost art. Getting to know the other person in person is a lot more intimate than over a phone where you can’t see the little clues a person is giving off.
You see the pedestal is a scary and horrible place for you or a woman to be. Yeah, it can appear nice but it really kills the person who is on it. I think the pedestal would be closer to being a gibbet. Torcher device used for a slow death. To show people to stay away.
While you could let your woman live her life fully and completely and love her for the beautiful human she is.
The Next Step
If you’re struggling with thoughts or limitations around what is making you play small in life, then getting coached by Bryan is your next best step.
No more feeling frustrated, lost, or hopeless about being a victim.
Getting coached by Bryan will help you overcome your self-confidence blocks and discover what is truly possible in you
Beautiful article. I out my 19-year lover on the pedestal. She warned me numerous times over months. I did not understand. She slowly pulled away. I tried harder to manipulate her. I believe she did all she could to save the relationship. But my insecurities overruled her efforts. Finally, one faithful evening, in efforts to manipulate her, I said I wanted a break. She immediately agreed. She said she could no longer be good enough for me, and other hurtful things. She changed. Anyway, although she was patient and kind to me over two subsequent calls to her, she was done. 2.5 years later I am still learning and accepting my part in demise of a once powerful love relationship. Thanks to your article, I am growing up at 66-years old.
It’s this man and woman thing. Society ahs pegged roles for each gender. Those roles are much more relaxed than they used to be, but people still fall into stereotype roles. At the end of the day, it is important to keep focused on what one’s partner is: another human being. She has thoughts and feelings quite similar to us. If we don’t put ourselves on a pedestal, why put her?