Freedom from the Burden of Controlling People

Whether you know you are controlling others or not we like to try to control other people. This act of controlling others is where much of our suffering comes from. We find ourselves anxious and uncertain because we do not know if we will be able to control someone.

We have a veritable toolbox full of ways that we can control other people. the trick is that not all those tools work on everybody. we try convincing them and that might work but then again it might not. we try intimidation and that might work but then again we might wind up with a bloody nose. We try threats like public embarrassments yet if that person isn’t in agreement with what you deem personally embarrassing you have no power. 

So you see can we control other people only if they want to be controlled? yet the funny thing about all that is that many people don’t even realize that they’re being controlled. and many people think that they aren’t controlling yet are doing that very thing.

So I wanted to look at what is controlling other people and why do we try to control other people? Can we stop controlling other people? What are the benefits of not controlling others? 

Why do we try to control others?

We try to control for many different reasons, but these reasons all boil down to a key point. We want the other person to make us feel better. There is no need to bury the lead on this one. It is all about how we perceive that others make us feel. Which is flat-out wrong. Nobody can make us feel anything. Our thoughts about the circumstances are what creates the emotions we feel.

If we see a person acting aggressively towards us, we will try to find ways to get them to calm down. Then again we may have them direct their aggression to somebody else or we will comply. It is not because the aggressive person is creating fear in us. It is because of our thought that they may act upon their anger. The emotions we feel are based on fear. So our emotions will go back to an acceptable baseline, and we will try to control the angry person. 

What do we try to control?

Now our controlling others is a huge fallacy in that we can’t control other people. As I mentioned earlier it is a source of much of our suffering. We want to control others but they simply will not comply without demands.

We can control only two things in life. Our thoughts and our actions. Everything else is out of our reach. Now this doesn’t stop us from trying. So when we are trying to control someone what are we trying to change in the person? There are two items that we are trying to control. These are other people’s emotions and other people’s Actions. If you notice none of these are actually working on a person’s thoughts directly but more of an indirect fashion. 

Emotions

Why are we trying to control other people’s emotions? The answer is because we see somebody who is sad and so we try to cheer them up. This is because when we see somebody sad it causes us to have thoughts about sadness and we want to avoid that. We don’t like feeling sad or mad or some other emotion like that. so instead of changing our thoughts which would be the easier thing to do, we try to change the other person’s emotions so that they can be happier that way we feel better. 

This is the very root of the problem nice guys have. when our spouse is upset at us we try to change their emotions so that they are pleased with us. if our spouse is sad we try to cheer them up. this also goes with being too happy. nice guys are not fans of extreme emotions. they want an even-flowing temperament So if the wife is having too much fun Nice Guy will actually do something to bring her down.

Actions

The other aspect that we try to control on other people are their actions. The reason is very much the same reason. Their actions cause us to feel uncomfortable or to feel sad, angry, or whatever, so we want to try to control that person’s actions so that we aren’t feeling weird.

We may make comments if somebody is being too loud. May try to calm a person down if they are acting too agitated. If a person is doing some action that we don’t like we try to change that person’s actions. We may get angry or irritated too. All because we have the feeling that we are right.

This is often the reason that Karens get themselves into so much trouble. They are lost in their unintentional thoughts and are trying to control other people. This is also what narcissists try to do. They want to feel a particular way. If they feel that someone has pointed out that they are wrong in some way then they try to manipulate that person so they are wrong. They want to control other people s actions

Ways We try to control other people

There are many different ways that we try to control others. Some cause more pain frustration and suffering than others. The ways we try to coerce and manipulate others Can be as blatant as a threat or as subtle as manipulation. 

The Manual

This is the most common way of trying to manipulate a person or a group of people into doing something so you feel better. This is the use of your user manual. You will often hear phrases like,

• If you loved me you would…
• That isn’t how you are supposed to act
• What are the neighbors going to think
• Families don’t treat each other like that

If you can ask the question says who? Then it is a good bet that you are using your manual to try to convince someone else to change their actions. 

You see the manual is you handing your control panel over to someone else so that they can make you happy. The problem is that they are humans with their own wills and they can decide to follow your user manual or they can throw it in the trash can and do what they want. Then you have to deal with the emotional upset that comes from the person choosing to not express their love in the way you want them to. You have to deal with the emotions of your wife not saying the thing you want her to say. 

You sneak your manual into your relationships at very sneaky times. This is because it is easier to blame others for not making you happy, when at the root its not their responsibility.

Intimidation

You do it or I will beat you up. This is the favorite control mechanism for bullies. If you don’t I will be forced to take action, and it will end badly for you. You have used this a few times on your kids I am sure. Clean your room or you are getting swats! Or if you are more of a ‘gentle’ Parenting type Clean your room or I will cry and it will be your fault. Well, Gentle parenting normally just uses coercion as their control method.

There are other forms of control like coercion and threats that are often used as a means of intimidation. Abusers use every tool including carrying out those threats

How to know when you are trying to control other people?

If they don’t act according to what you want and you get upset then you are trying to control another person. If you can’t believe they went ahead and did something after you talked to them then It’s a good chance that you were trying to control them. 

Why? That is for you to answer yourself. What were you expecting to happen and what were you going to make that mean if they did it? What are you making it mean if they don’t do the action? Then follow those answers up with the question Do they really? Do you really believe that? 90% of the time if you are observant and intentional in your thoughts you will see that no that is just what your brain wants you to believe.

Your benefits for laying off the control buttons

So why do you want to try to stop controlling others? Because it will lead you to more happiness. When you are not wasting all your energy typing to control your mom and wife and your extended family while at the same time trying to get your co-workers to behave in a certain way you find that you have plenty of energy to have more fun. You can enjoy life a lot more. Al because if someone wants to do something dumb and you warn them that it’s not a good idea then it is on them you can stand back just watch them learn from their experience.

You have less stress for the very same reason. You can focus on your wife and see her responses better. You are not getting wrapped up in trying to interpret her actions you can accept her actions as hers, and love her fully because she is her own individual human going through a human moment.