Building a Routine for a Better Connection

We often find our relationships have some type of problem. That problem often is a lack of connection. We want to have a better connection, yet not sure how.

We start by trying something on the weekends. We do that for two or three weeks. they were just kind of faded out. So we need to try another tactic and we do that for two or three weeks. It fades out also. We try something different and again we rinse and repeat over and over. We wind up, never reaching our goal of having a better stronger connection.

How do you build a better connection? Why is it so hard to find something that works? There are answers to these questions. There are solutions to your problem. We are going to talk about them here.

We are creatures of habit

The first thing to know is, why it is so hard to build a connection with your wife. The answer to that problem is that we are creatures of habit. The reason why we like and form habits is because of our our motivational triad. The motivational triad is we want to seek pleasure, but avoid pain, and do all of that as efficiently as possible.

This means if we’re trying to do something new. It’s not very efficient. We don’t have yet and so my brain sees that burning more energy trying to remember to do all this hard connection stuff. So eventually, it will go back to the easy tasks that it can do. That means going back to sitting in front of the television and not talking to your wife. Because you get more pleasure from watching television or playing video games or looking at your phone.

While talking to your wife might mean you get into a disagreement you get rejected or worse get into an argument. None of these feel good and our brain will perceive those as being painful. That makes up the fact that our brain is having to think and burn more energy so yeah, it is very hard to change a habit. It can be very difficult to create a routine so that you are more dependable, and connect with your spouse.

So the key is to realize you have to break an old habit and form a new habit. How do you do that? As you do everything else you have to be intentional with your thoughts your feelings and your actions. 

Routines are made with the intention

The old phrase practice makes perfect comes into play when you’re trying to create a routine. You first have to understand why you want this routine. Most guys have sex. That’s a reason why other reasons suddenly couldn’t be put into the equation. What would you be basing your relationship with your spouse on them? Yeah, that put a whole new spin on the problem.

There’s more to a relationship than sex that is kinda hard to understand when you’re a young man and as you get older, it becomes a lot more understandable. Even in your 50s sex is still important for a relationship. so you want to make sure you have a grander reason and getting laid.

You have to want to have a better relationship, a stronger connection, and deeper interactions with your spouse. If you just want the nookie, you’re going to fail.

It helps to change the new habit.

When you apply intentionality to your routine. It will become easier to turn it into a habit. So that when you don’t perform the action, something feels lost. You feel almost naked because you didn’t do that intentional routine that you’re used to doing.

You also build more integrity with yourself, when you have a running routine. When you say you’re gonna do something and you do it and you have stronger integrity because of it, it’s going to shine brighter in your actions. You’re also building the integrity with your spouse. Because as we have stated before, you’ve tried stuff and you have failed you’ve tried a lot of stuff and you have failed a lot of stuff. All of those grand ideas that you talked about just faded away. So why should your wife believe you now? Because you are doing the routine. You’re not expecting instant results. But you are expecting results down the road.

It shows you are trying

As you build your routine you fail, and you get back up and you try again. You’re showing your spouse that you’re trying. The more you try the more you are committed to getting this routine in place the more you are showing her that her connection is important to you. instead of just trying something and then giving up right afterward. She is important enough that you are willing to get uncomfortable. She is important enough to you that you’re willing to change old habits that aren’t serving.

So build that routine doesn’t matter what that routine is work on it build it when you fail that’s OK. Get back on the saddle and try again.

How do you build that routine?

This is easier said than done. There I’ve said that now you have no excuse. Because we already know it’s easily said and it’s going to take work to change. We don’t need easy. We just need worth it. Not to mention, we can do hard things.

So how are you going to make a routine? We set your expectations so now you have to decide what action are you going to take if you’re not sure of suggestions.

• Couple talking night – This is where certain time on a certain day or every day for that matter, you set aside at least an hour of television off phones, muted, and you and your spouse just talk.
• Go out walking – This is just what it sounds like. You and the Mrs. go out walking. Whether it’s around the block or for a couple of miles make this a routine if you do it. You’ll get healthier and you’re spending time with your wife.
• Puzzle night – Put a jigsaw puzzle together.
• Park stroll – Instead of walking around the block maybe I’ll go to the park to go walk and look at what’s happening out in public.
• Single-topic meals – This can be tough yet result in fascinating discussions. This works when you have friends over or is just you and the wife. You or her choose a topic of discussion and that is all you can talk about while you eat. You can’t be off on a tangent about something else. Only that topic hence the name single topic meals
• Adventure weekend – Maybe once a month you and the wife go out on an adventure. It may be camping if y’all both like camping, it may be hiking. It may be some type of adventure that you like or that she likes. And adventure with your wife.
• Museum day – Why not spend the day at the museum and then talk about what y’all saw. Get curious about what museum pieces really inspired her or fascinated them and share what she enjoyed about the museum visit.

Once you’ve made a decision on which activity you want to use as the backdrop of building a better connection with your wife. Then time to plan how you’re going to stick to it.

My tip is every phone has an alarm that you can set that goes off on a weekly basis. Set that time and then it’s up to you to stick to it. Don’t let excuses get your way. Because they will. There will be times that you kind of begrudgingly don’t feel like doing that activity. That is why your “why”, is important. For those times when you are not feeling very inspired. Those are the times that you just would rather sit on the couch and go back into your old routines. However, you don’t want the old routines anymore. You want a better stronger deeper connection with your wife, so you will fight through “I don’t wanna’s“

As mentioned earlier, this isn’t something that’s going to happen right off the bat. You’re going to struggle it’s gonna be times that you try to have a conversation with your wife and you flub it. It ends in somebody getting their feelings hurt or somebody gets upset and you have to be open when you mess up like that. Being open doesn’t mean you’re being vulnerable. Just means you’re accepting responsibility and you’re trying to fix what you messed up.

So get out there and try and try again the more you try the more times you’re going to actually succeed. And then you’re gonna find your emotional connection is getting better and stronger. Before you know it, your relationship will be on a completely different level than what you used to.