Now we have covered all 4 pillars of a relaxed male. The pillars are Man’s Mind, Man’s body, Man’s soul, and then we are here. Maybe the most difficult and important pillar to uphold out of them all. That pillar is the Man’s Community pillar.
This is the 4th pillar that a man needs to keep strong for a life that allows him to handle all that is thrown at him. This pillar pushes him to excel in the other 3 pillars. This pillar is the root of his determination. The fourth pillar is the man’s community. What is considered a community? Who to consider for your community. These are all important questions you want to ask yourself.
We see many men today who are trying to go through life alone. Especially when they are married. Men often believe that their wife and kids are their worlds and to a point it is, but you have to visit other planets from time to time. These men realize their mistake most often when they go through a divorce. Suddenly they have no friends. Their old friends they knew have changed and have different interests. Trying to find new friends almost seems like a herculean task.
Men need communities. Those communities are the Friends who are part of an inner circle. The community pillar is found in his neighborhood. This is a part of his community. The Community is in his religious organization. A man’s community is his town and the different organizations that are a part of it. A man’s community is vital to a man’s well-being.
Why Is The Man’s Community Pillar so Important
This is because no man is an island. Even the most introverted introvert needs to have human interaction. We need people to rub up against other people. I find the first words of the Movie Crash so poignant at this moment.
It’s the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.
Don Cheadle “Crash”
Now men need a community for many different reasons. We sluff off the drive to meet other people because we have false connections on Social media. We talked for a few moments about last night’s game to the guy next to us at work. Yet how deep are those conversations? I realized that I struggle to get below surface-level topics. To dive deeper to get to know a person and understand why they tick.
Because we don’t dive deep with people and more specifically with other men. We are losing out on many aspects of manhood that come with a man’s community.
You learn how to behave like a man
Now, this may get some folks dander up but many grown boys are boys simply because they don’t have men in their lives. They are turning to their wives and moms for who to be a man. I think we would have far fewer nice guys in the world if we men were to gather with other men each week for a masculinity injection.
Many nice guys don’t know how to act around men. Nice guys prefer to hang around women. This is because they strive to get the approval of women and because their masculinity levels are so low, that when they are around masculine men they don’t know how to receive manly encouragement. Any masculine course correction that is offered is seen as a man trying to apply their dominance on them. That is the farthest from the point Nice guys are intimidated by real men. Real men are not nice guys, they are effective men. The only way you will be able to learn how to behave as a man is to be around other good masculine and just men.
Your community pushes you to be better
Have you ever watched a group of boys push each other to be better? Many times adults will see boys and see nothing but a chaos-laden swam of loud noises and roughhousing. I suggest you go and watch a group of 8-10-year-olds interacts with each other in a group. Yeah, you are going to hear them as they explore their language, so prepare yourself for some rough language. Yet you will also see them push each other to be better.
They do it in their special nuanced ways. There are the dare’s and bets that go on to encourage each other to jump the ditch. They see who can climb the highest in a tree. They explore the limits of their physical world. Yeah, they do get hurt from time to time. They learn that this is part of life.
Boys are unbridled masculinity and their language and encouraging styles are what boys need to excel. Moms and girlfriends will not understand. Men’s form of encouragement is not the same as women’s. Men often get confused when they are receiving nothing but feminine energy. This is often why the nice guy becomes disgruntled and resentful. They are trying to do things that make the women in their life approve of them. When in reality men need to be happy with themselves. They get this sense of self-approval from realizing they are an individual being encouraged by other individual men.
This is why men need other men in their group. Your friends in your inner circle are your buddies who push you to be better stronger faster. These men will allow you to celebrate your accomplishments that you forget to relish. You will struggle more and have more failures if you do not have your band of brothers around to support you
Your Band of Brothers Improves your communication skills
There are 4 types of communication. There are aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, and assertive forms of communication. Nice guys often talk in one of the first three forms. These may vary from situation to situation and depend on who they are talking to. Yet men themselves talk assertively.
This form of communication is more effective with men. We talk directly and to the point. Men say what is on their minds. If someone is trying to talk in any other fashion men will push them to start talking more plainly.
This causes men to become better communicators. They are better at sharing their thoughts, ideas, and emotions when they talk assertively. This translates to their wife’s children, and work. When you can communicate in a more assertive tone, you are not being viewed as a bully as nice guys fear.
Bullies are nothing more than nice guys with a chip on their shoulder. They talk in an aggressive style. Do this or else… They make threats to motivate people to do something. While men are able to inspire others to do what is needed. This is all thanks to you having your Community of men who have helped you learn to talk in a better style.
Give you a healthy outlet
Life has its stresses. There are deadlines to be met, bills to be paid, and family to attend to. A lot is going on in a man’s life. Especially if they are married with kids. When a man doesn’t have a masculine community to turn to, these men often turn to other coping mechanisms to quiet the stress that they feel.
These can be and often are alcohol. Men will often turn to the sedative effect of beer or harder drinks at the end of the day. Often this leads to having more and more as time goes on. Eventually, they are finding themselves going through a 12 pack a night and going to bed drunk.
Other men turn to drugs. Often that is just marijuana but the effects are pretty much the same. They lose their ambition and motivation to accomplish their hopes and dreams. Which leads to other emotions that need more mood-altering substances. So because these men sense that their life is not going anywhere they fall into a habit of malaise and despair. This isn’t healthy and those who drink too much know this as much as the men who don’t drink at all.
When you are with your community of men, yeah there may be some drinking going on but these men also encourage their friends in the group to find other stress-relieving activities to do. So they may go on a camping trip for the week and kill what they eat. The change of pace that men are so creative at doing always keeps their friends on their toes. The change is refreshing to men. We need something that pushes us. That gives us the ability to find our thoughts and be able to be present with our families when we are with them.
The mens’ group you are a part of is a healthy social outlet for your stress. The men in your life may drag you to a Brazilian Jujitsu class and you will find that you either like it or you don’t. The experience and new avenues of stress relief are needed for a man to be healthy in his mind and his body.
Gives you the opportunity to think
What is thinking? We often believe that thinking is something you do alone. That can be done, but thinking comes more easily when you are talking. Even when you are alone and thinking you are talking to yourself. Yet when you have a group of men you are talking to, you are able to think better.
Have you even talked to a person and solved the problem as you were asking the question? That was what you were thinking. We as humans think better aloud. This is why having a strong community pillar helps you think. You have to ask questions and be ready for the answer that you come up with. Many times we want to fool ourselves into thinking something different by coming up with excuses. Yet when you are with a group of men they will call you out of those lies you are saying. They will help burn out the crap you are thinking of so that you have the pure thought of the answer in your mind.
They are your support net
Today’s society wants men to share all of their emotions. Since many men are nice guys and they have cordoned themselves away from the masculine world they share their thoughts and feelings with their wives.
This isn’t the best way to get support. Remember how I said men and women communicate and encourage each other in different ways? Well, this applies to our support. Your wife does want to support you. You need to have the idea thoroughly worked out before you share your plans with your wife. This is where your community comes into play.
Men are strong. We can take the worries of the world on our shoulders. That is as long as we have other strong shoulders of other men around us. We need to turn to our men for the negative thoughts and events in our life. These men are able to share and create plans as to how to deal with the problems we are facing. This is something we are designed to do. Our means of looking at the world and how we interact with the world are made for us men to take on the heavy burden of the problems of those we love around us.
So if you just lost a lot of money in a bad investment. Turn to your guy friends for support. Don’t turn to your wife. If you got fired from your job, turn to your community of men. Don’t just dump that problem on your girl like that. Talk to your male friends and let them help you formulate a plan. This is why having a 3 a.m. list is important for men.
So am I saying don’t tell your wife the different troubles in your life? No, I am not saying that at all. If you did get fired, talk to your wife or girlfriend after you have talked to your mens’ group and you have a plan of action to overcome this obstacle. When you have a plan in place you can then tell your women what happened but you already have a plan and the problem has been taken care of.
You give your women the positive. If you are dumping all of your world’s problems on her, she is going to wonder what you are doing? How are you keeping her safe if you lost all the money or you aren’t bringing any money in? Where are they going to live? You have to be able to communicate to her that the problem is being dealt with. It shows her that you are a man who takes charge of the problem at hand and she doesn’t have more things to worry about in her life.
Rule of thumb: if it is negative or bad, tell the men in your life before you tell your wife. If it is good and positive, tell your wife first and then tell your men.
What is the 3 am list?
This is a list of men you have in your life that you can call at 3 in the morning and say I have a problem, can you help me? These are the guys who will hop into their pickup truck and head to wherever you are.
Who do I need in my community?
Now that you know why you need to have a strong Community pillar, the question often arises. How do I build that community? There are several ways you can do this and they all work. You have to apply them. The key is persistence and deliberate action. You need to be intentional in who you have in your community.
You want to know who you want in your community of men. You want men who are driven to succeed in their endeavors. You want men who are bold and noble. Look for men who have qualities that you want to have. If you are wanting to be healthy and work on your body pillar? Then find a man who is active in his health pursuits.
It is good to find men who are strong in particular pillars and bring them all together. That way they can all expand off of each other. The key is to pay attention to what their strengths and weaknesses are.
Be firm on who you want in the group and who you don’t. The victim mindsets the fixed mindset people are a lot like weeds they can bring down a community in no time. People who are not wanting to improve themselves. I say this because we often have friends and family members who only want to complain about problems and don’t want to put in the work to change them into an issue. These types of people will not serve you or your community at all. If they always have excuses as to why this won’t work or that is a bad idea you will want to weed them out too.
Your community is a walled garden and the exclusivity of it may make others realize they have a problem in their life. Yet if they are not going to fit, then you have to be strong enough to either not invite them or resend your invite. The hurt they direct towards you is only their inadequacies being displayed.
Don’t have a bunch of yes men either. If you have a conservative guy who you want in, don’t feel bad about also inviting a liberal guy who you see as a good addition to the group. Those discussions they have are good. Yeah, they may be heated at times but that is great!. They are learning what they believe in is true and what they believe in that isn’t true. Yet if they can not have a healthy discussion then you may have to turn one or the other way.
How to grow your community?
So how do you start finding men who fit your ideal community? There are many different ways and they all do work. But as I said before it takes intention and time. A few ways you can do this are listed below.
Talk to men
Yep just find a guy who seems like he is a good man and starts talking to him. It will be very surface level at first but as you see him time and time again you will have opportunities to dive a little deeper. This is probably the best way to add people to your community. As people in the marketing field say you need to find out where your target likes to hang out and go there.
Start or Join a weekly meeting of men
There are masterminds and men’s gatherings all over the place. You may go to a men’s conference or even your local church; there are men’s groups found just about anywhere you look. They can be a little hidden at the moment because they don’t want to be seen as chauvinistic. Yet these groups of men are there. You just have to do the work of seeking them out.
Many are excited to have a new guy show up. So once you find a group it normally isn’t too difficult to be let in.
Look to your church
As I mentioned before, churches often have men’s bible study groups. This is where you may find many older men and older men are good to have; they can inject some sage wisdom into your group. Many are eager to share that wisdom and are a welcomed addition to any man’s community.
Not part of a church? Join a church.
What if you don’t go to church? Why not just go and see what you find. You will find that yeah church talks about that invisible sky dude often but the church is much more than the Father, Son, and Holy ghost. It is also about the fellowship. Seeing people you know and meeting under a particular topic. You can find that the church is often a peaceful place to meet people. You will have to let your guard down to let people into your life. So if they are being standoffish, change how you are presenting yourself and you will often see them open up and welcome you in.
You will also find that you can relax at church. Studies have found that people who go to church regularly have lower stress and live longer because of it.
Find a civic organization
In your town or city, there are many different clubs and organizations around you. These groups, unless specified, often have men in them. So you can look around and you will find different organizations and groups that will have the noble strong masculine men you want in your community. These groups include
- Animal clubs Lions Club / Elks Lodge
- Civic theater
- Freemasons
- Shriners
- Rotary Club
- Habitat for humanity
Get outdoors
There are many different outdoor clubs around that you can also be a part of, from trail maintenance clubs for hiking and mountain biking to park clean-up events. There are bird-watching clubs, if you have an interest in the outdoors, you will find a club that fits your interest. Each of those clubs will have men in them.
If you like getting outdoors it doesn’t have to be a solitary adventure. You can bring a guy you are thinking of having in your community and you can see how well he fairs in the woods. Is he of the right character? Nature doesn’t play around when it comes to separating the wheat from the chaff.
Talk to People you see
We are around people all the time. You can always strike up a conversation with folks. You will find that some are interesting and then some are just plain weird. If you are someone who is just building your community and you have anxiety because you have closed yourself off so much that your socializing muscles have atrophied then this is a great exercise. Just say hi and talk about different surface-level stuff.
You will eventually get to know some of the regulars you meet at say the local gun show or arts and craft show. These may eventually turn into friends.
Volunteer
Some charities need volunteers all over the place. You may have a skill that they need or you may just need to be a pot washer at the local soup kitchen. Charities are needing men’s hands in them.
I am a part of two different charities right now. Both of them have strong noble men seeking to do good in the world. One is trying to bring sight to children while the other is trying to rid the world of the 22 veterans that are lost to suicide each day.
You can find men in just about any charity and you can size them up and see if they would be worthy of your community.
Meetup
Now maybe you have tried all of these or you just aren’t finding something that has high-quality men. Then look at Meetup.com. This is a site that has nothing but people meeting for different interests. They even have meet-ups for people who just want to go walking, so yeah you can find a meet-up of your interest at this site. Now you may find some that are only women so you may have to dig a little. But even the weird guy with food in his beard will have some interesting knowledge if you stay curious about meeting new people.
How to apply the Community Pillar
Applying the community pillar is not hard at all after you have found a group of men who are willing to meet each week. You can meet at someone’s house, or if your are apart from each other you can meet through a zoom call or some other video conferencing software.
It is important for you to be able to see each other. It may feel awkward but seeing else has others faces and how they react to each other is critical to how men communicate. So have your video I while you are talking to each other.
If you are meeting in person then it is fine to play cards or to sit around the fire pit in the back yard. Just don’t do the circle of chairs. That isn’t how Men openly communicate. Maybe have a task where you work shoulder to shoulder with your friends. This opens up the talking in a more relaxed manner.
If you want drinks that’s fine just don’t drink too excess. No need to get drunk. If you do have s friend who can’t seem to stop, that would be a time to address the problem. Maybe each guy brings their drink of choice. Or maybe a each guy is chosen for each meeting to bring a bottle that they want to experience. How you do this and handle this is completely up to you.
I often use a hot seat method where each guy has a turn to talk. This can be difficult especially with a new group because there are often new guys needing new guys. So the trust isn’t there. That will disappear as they get to know each other and see what the benefits of this group means to each other.
The way the hot seat method works is one guy is in the hot seat and he explains what he is struggling with and the other men offer suggestions and support. The next week a different guy is in the hot seat and so on.
Add some ritual
At least once a year try to get everybody together for an adventure. Maybe it is hiking a trail or camping out in the Grand Tetons that way each man gets the ability to know the other on a deeper basis. I do recommend outdoors because of the lack of cell phone signal. It allows the men to fully relax and reset their minds.
This pillar could possibly be the pillar that you will have the most challenge with. Yet if you do build it up, use the best men possible you will find that this pillar is crucial for you to be able to succeed. You have to have a community for a business to get the word out. You can’t just open the doors and they will come. You need your crew to help spread the word about what your dream is. The men of your community are the dream makers. They will help you get over any wall or obstacle you face as you grow and become a stronger man.
Yes, there are friends who you will leave behind. This is a sad time but we do outgrow friends and grow new ones that take their place. These new men are the ones placed in your way so that you can achieve even more heights.
Your family will become better and you will be able to serve your son in a better, more masculine way when you start having strong noble masculine men around in your life. So, do it for your family, build that pillar for you. It’s not selfish to help yourself. It is necessary.
If you are wanting to join a group of noble masculine men that will start to help you I do have a men’s group that has an opening. You can visit the Brotherhood of men for more information
