You hear a lot about how roommate syndrome is sort of a tale-tell death knell in marriages that you and your wife have gotten very comfortable and set in a routine. The spark has fizzled some people just accept it as the norm and that they are on their way to a fruitful and successful marriage. Others see this as their marriage falling apart. The sad part is that for most people that is true. Their marriage will fail or they will be resigned to a lackluster marriage that goes nowhere.
Roommate syndrome is not a problem, it is a stage in your marriage. Many people have fallen to this particular trial in their life. While others have taken up the challenge and have succeeded and because of it, their marriage is stronger than ever.
What is Roommate Syndrome?
Roommate syndrome is apparently comfortable. In a relationship. Well, actually it appears comfortable there are not a lot of emotional discussions going on. There’s little-to-no passion in the marriage. The reason why I say apparently comfortable is that a closer look at one or both members of the marriage, and you will see that they are having thoughts about the state of their marriage.
No Spark
Remember when you first got married. You and your wife we’re doing everything together. You would shop together. Cook together watch television together. It was almost as if both of you were inseparable. At nighttime, y’all would cuddle together watching television. At Bedtime you would still cuddle together and had spontaneous sex. Now you don’t see each other for but maybe 15 minutes as you’re passing each other from one location in the house to the other. The most passionate thing is I peck on the lips.
The spark in your marriage is gone, that is roommate syndrome. This is where you view your spouse more along the lines of a roommate than your lover and best friend. When you’re in roommate syndrome, there’s no spark, no zing, that you had back when you first married.
Many people lament about the missing Spark. They wish that they had that passion again. They want to have a resemblance of that flirtiness back. They wish the laughter and the jokes would come back because that’s what made the marriage enjoyable. Couples in the roommate syndrome wish for the excitement because that’s what made the marriage fun. Yet now it’s just there.
If you find that novelty and it is like a clean well for a thirsty traveler. This is why infidelity happens. Someone gets a taste of that old spark from someone new and they crave it. The other person who is comfortable usually is blindsided, and they wonder why the cheater cheated. All because they didn’t want to rock a boat or two.
No Passion
Remember when you were first married and you saw your spouse standing in the kitchen. You would feel that fire in your belly. The overwhelming desire to just wrap your arms around her and hold her tightly. You liked to look her longingly in the eyes, that is passion. To share with a person all the stuff that you wanted to do. The desire to share with the person you care for the most, all your hopes, dreams, desires, and fantasies. That is part of the passion. Yet in roommate syndrome that passion dies and it goes away and there’s no passion in the marriage. There’s just hanging out, saying hi to each other. This lack of passion becomes rather boring and rather monotonous.
Little to No Fun
With no passion and no spark, this means the marriage is just there. There is no fun or excitement in the relationship.
We as humans like to have novelty. We like to be thrilled, we like to have fun. The roommate syndrome is when there is little to no fun in a relationship. This causes a lot of discontent in marriage. You’re in a relationship only you’re not learning more about people you’re not exploring, You’re not growing with the other person.
No Growth
As mentioned before there’s no growth in a marriage when it’s in the depth of roommate syndrome. You’re not discovering white the other person likes the other person is not discovering with you like you’re not experiencing the wonders of discovery.
Without growth, there’s no excitement about the new discoveries. The sense of triumph that one gets from improving themselves.
Just being
The roommate syndrome is essentially the marriage without the elements that make a marriage fun. The sensations the love and novelty of the newlywed phase doesn’t hold the power that it used to. So the couple just sorts of settles into a routine. They avoid a lot of the topics that would often spark great heightened moments of emotion and debate.
This results in people just living day to day getting up and going to work. Coming home, eating supper, and going to bed. Maybe watch some television before bed, and spend some time with the kids. Yet, the husband and wife aren’t really spending much time with each other. They often will just sit in separate rooms and not talk to each other. There’s minimal interaction with each other
Why does roommate syndrome happen?
Roommate syndrome happens for a lot of different reasons. The most common one is it’s just routine. However, there are few interactions at the beginning of a marriage that start to amplify as the marriage continues.
Maybe there was a small fight somewhere along the way maybe the husband gets criticized for how he folds the towels maybe the husband likes the laundry to be done in a particular way and these criticisms without discussion often blooms into lines that couples just won’t cross. All out of fear of making the other angry or upset. People become anxious over raised levels of emotion they don’t want to irritate the other so they don’t try. As people learn what the other likes and doesn’t like they start to avoid being adventurous because they don’t know how their spouse will react. So, it is inevitable to fall out of adventure and into a routine.
Because both people want to keep to maintain a level of peace there start to brew fear and then they also have just thoughts of how the other person may react that thought may be true it may not be true but we have thoughts about those thoughts. The fear of what those thoughts may be, will keep couples playing small. It keeps couples from experimenting and trying new restaurants or going to an Art House or something out of their comfort zone.
Because of that the routine that picks up causes the relationship to fall into roommate syndrome because neither couple wants to expand, nor does either member of the relationship wants to Try too hard because of the possible reactions.
How could roommate syndrome be good?
As I have mentioned before all circumstances are neutral so you can see roommate syndrome being a good thing or a bad thing. The relationship could be stalled and you could put yourself into a thought span of “oh my, this marriage is going to end”. Then again you could look at it as “we’ve hit a plateau that’s time to get this marriage really rocking“
That is because you can actually see the roommate syndrome as being the springboard to you and your spouse having an even better time and a better marriage than before. If you don’t grow, you don’t become better. What are you working on now Is bettering who you are?
Now I understand white mini nice guys will think about this but I can’t do it without my wife. She wants to just stay the same. And many men will make excuses by pointing the finger at their wives. Yet this is nothing more than a copout as to why they don’t have to put in the work.
If you blame your spouse for not wanting to better herself then why should you? Why should you work so hard on making yourself better if your spouse is just going to sit there like a bump on a log and stay in the same routine?
The answer is because you whether you want to be or not are the leader of the family. If you want something to change you have to change yourself I’ve mentioned it on many other block posts but there is an analogy that I like to use.
I wanted to change the world and I failed
So I tried to change my country and I failed
So I tried to change my state and I failed
So I tried to change my city and I failed
So I tried to change my neighborhood and I failed
So I tried to change my family and I failed
So I tried to change myself
Which changed my family.
which changed my neighborhood
which changed my city
which changed my state
hich changed my country
which changed the world
You have to work on your cell that’s why the four pillars of a relaxed male are so needed for today’s men. This is because it forces me to improve if you’re not familiar with the four pillars of relaxing male. The man’s mind body soul and Community and each of them requires a lot of thought work to fully implement. Yet, you are able to implement the pillars and have stronger relationships, a stronger body, a stronger mind, and a soul that is being fed and fulfilled on a very regular basis.
To boil it down the most basic reason why Roommate syndrome is good is that it forces you to become a better man. Do you want your marriage to improve? Then stop waiting for your wife to make the move. You get your tail in gear and start improving yourself. Will your wife come up with some objections? Sure just know that those objections are her thoughts, not yours.
Be your own man
Opportunity to differentiate your self marriages often become very codependent so you are looking for validation from your spouse and a lot of times your spouse is looking for validation from you. The problem is that doesn’t come from the other person they can say a good job they can say you did great and the appreciation is good but to validate yourself is actually a stronger better way of being able to grow
To be able to go off and do something because you want to get it done is better and a lot less aggravating than if you want something done but you wanna have it done with your wife yet the adventure of having her come along would be great but you’re spouse hast to want to come along. So to do so it is good for you to go ahead and start on a journey if you start getting in shape you will actually inspire her to want to get into shape if you want to eat better start eating better she may have thoughts and ideas and objections and talk about why that’s not gonna work.
Own your dirt
When you start taking full responsibility for all of your actions you start being seen in a completely different light when you stop pointing fingers at other people and start owning your dirt you actually become more respectable you become a better leader for what you’re wanting to accomplish
And celebrating your spouse’s actions to differentiate herself also helps improve things if she wants to go off and start running with a group of people to celebrate that help her buy those running shoes and get her the needed equipment that would help her with her own path. That path is not gonna be your path. That scares a lot of nice guys because “what if” is the biggest question you’ll always ask yourself in the land of uncertainty. In that land a nice guy will spin on thoughts like, what if she finds somebody else who’s better than me? or she gets tired of me? or what if she gets angry because I don’t run with her what if, what if, what if. What if is just a thought. It is not the truth. It is not the future. It is her following your lead to become a better person. Until you are comfortable in your own skin and you are comfortable in your actions, you’re going to always be looking to your wife for validation. She doesn’t need that that is extra pressure on her. You need to make sure you are happy. She can’t make you happy.
Talk to each other
With you discovering new things about yourself and new things that you like about yourself, you’re going to want to talk to your wife about that. You are going to want to share your life with her. That’s part of being married. Don’t worry about if she gets upset that you’re doing something bigger than what she’s used to. This is because she has her own thoughts about the circumstance that she has to work through. You can’t change her thoughts. You can suggest other thoughts, but those are suggestions. It’s her who has to change her thoughts and believe those new thoughts. So being a leader is not helping her with her thoughts but you can give her space to work through those thoughts.
Stop looking to others for happiness
So many people want life to be nothing but sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts. I’m here to tell you that’s not gonna happen. Life is 50% pain 50% pleasure. If you avoid the pain you’re going to accentuate the pain. If you avoid the hard stuff because you’re afraid that you are gonna fail, then you’re not going to get the success and fulfillment you are wanting. This is because you have to try. You have to go through the bad, to get to the good. Sometimes the wins just happen but that is very rare. If that is the case yay! That is not the case all of the time. You’re gonna be happy one moment and sad the next. You’re going to be frustrated at times because what you’re wanting to accomplish didn’t happen. That particular attempt may not have worked, good at least you attempted it. Your wife is going to get frustrated at times too. She’s gonna wanna be able to reach a certain level within herself and she’s not going to do it. Be OK with her being angry at her own thoughts. You can be angry with your own thoughts. Realize those are just thoughts, and they can be changed. Work at changing them, if you need help with this let me know I can help.
