There are many times in a marriage that our lives are quite nice and seen as smooth sailing. We want to think that those times il never come to an end. However, when those times do stop they can be very abrupt and out of left field. When the other half of the 50/50 principle comes crashing in like the Kool-Aid man on a hot day.
When these circumstances show up they can be stressful and as people we react to stress in many different ways. We may get loud or easily irritated. We may become silent. Others turn to indulgent actions and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Yet no matter how people respond to the assorted stresses of their life it depends on how you respond to the circumstance of their emotion. How you respond well either increases the stress in your life or makes it easier.
Stress can crop up in many different ways. Most common is through financial problems. We often have instances of us, blaming the other person for the discomfort that we are feeling at that moment. Therefore, we want to blame and point fingers that it’s our wife’s fault for the financial problems that we’re facing. Then again they may say that it’s your fault for the circumstance being what it is.
And we all have a choice as to how the results play out. This is where I want to try to help you today. Here are five Waze you can support your wife in stressful situations.
Through Understanding
One of the greatest things that makes humans human is our emotions. We may have emotional responses or emotional reactions that do not line up with what we believe. We may have emotional reactions that do not help the circumstance at all we may see our spouse react in a way that doesn’t put us at ease
When this happens, we can choose two paths. We can just react to how our wife is feeling, or we can seek to understand. As the old Stephen Covey quote goes, you wanna seek first to understand before being understood.
It is also good to just sit down and talk with her. Come to an understanding as to why she’s stressing out about whatever circumstance she’s fretting over. Not so that you can fix it, but so that you understand what she is worrying about.
When you can allow your wife to have whatever emotional state she’s having because she is a human being human, you will reduce your emotional stress tremendously. No, you can’t fix or take away your wife’s feelings of stress, but you can be the solid emotionally stable rock for her and the rest of the family to turn to.
To be able to do that you have to understand that her thoughts and her emotions are hers. They are not a reflection upon you. They are a reflection of her thoughts about this given circumstance. Now that circumstance may be based on something you did so you have to take control of what you can control. But thinking that correcting that problem will suddenly make your wife happy is not the answer. Allow your wife to be human. Allow her to have her emotions and the thoughts that generated those emotions. And when the time is available, then y’all can sit down and talk through what the thoughts were and understand that even better.
Be active in helping your wife.
Now as men, we love to strap on our tool belt and run into whatever the problem is and get it fixed right off the bat. The issue that we have with that is that is that we try to fix the circumstance so our wife won’t stress out. That doesn’t fix the problem because she still has the thoughts. Many times our wife will apply several things that are worrying her all at once. And this is where you can step in and take something off her plate. You can ask her what you can take off her plate or if you know of something then why not just do it
So you want to have the presence of mind to know when you’re going down the wrong path. Can you stop and look and understand what it is that stressing your wife out? Is there something you can do without having to ask her that could help the situation? If there is then do it. Don’t seek to put more pressure on her by trying to ask permission if she’s worrying about supper tonight while at the same time, trying to get four other things done then take care of supper. You know whether y’all are in a position to eat out or have to eat in. So you have the knowledge wherewithal and agency to make a choice.
If you do not know how you could help her then again ask her what you can takeoff the plate. Don’t add to her stress by asking her what’s bothering her? Don’t add to her stress and ask her. What can you do? Ask her what you can take off her plate and then do it. Don’t stand around don’t do it later do it then.
Listen when she feels the need to talk
How many times when we are in the thick of stress, we don’t necessarily wanna talk? The same goes for our wife. But eventually, she’s going to wanna talk about it. This is a great time for you and your wife to connect. It’s not that you have to do a lot of talking you’re just letting your wife use you as a sounding board. She wants to be able to bounce ideas off of you and you don’t even have to come up with the solution. If she wants a solution, she will ask you for that solution.
So listen, do the active listening if you have to tell her what you heard her say and have her verified. Did you actually say that? That is because sometimes us guys will hear one thing and our wife was meaning something completely different. so it is important to verify that you’re understanding what she’s talking about. When she wants you to share your thoughts and emotions this is actually what she’s meaning. She wants to hear it and wants you to be present so she can share her life, her thoughts, her concerns with you. Not to fix the problem, but just to listen and hear can you hear what she is actually saying?
Dont take the criticism personally
Now this is a problem for both sides. Many times the stress levels will get high enough that we will verbally lash out at the other person. It’s not because we don’t love that other person. It’s because of how we are feeling about the circumstances. So what happens when our wife lashes out at us?
Well, using the ability to understand why she is lashing out and empathizing with her. That doesn’t mean we are sympathizing. We are just acknowledging the fact that she’s feeling emotions. And when she does lash out at us, we do not take the vibrations emanating from her mouth personally.
You will not react to even the most harsh criticism if it’s not taken personally. You can stay calm and assertive no matter how stressful the situation is if you do not take anything said personally. Will that help the circumstance at all? Probably not but it allows you to stay calm in the storm. It allows you to feel empathy for your wife. It will prevent you from breaking the 97% rule.
The 97% rule is 97% of the stupid stuff we really wanna say, we don’t. we bought her tongue and just let it pass. Because it’s not important to retaliate and make the stressful situation even worse. Even if she throws your masculinity and manhood into the mix, you don’t have to agree with her. And that’s what happens when you take it personally. You are in fact agreeing with whatever it is, she says about you or your family.
Therefore, don’t worry about taking stuff personally they’re just vibrations formed by forcing air into a mouth and shaped by our lips and tongue. That’s all words are. They’re just vibrations. They will not hurt you. Just tell yourself the rhyme of sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.
Employ the STOP technique
Now, when the emotional levels get too high we may need to employ the stop technique. This is a means of just breaking the tension and going to each other’s corner for means of minute or more. Stop means to
- Stop
- Take a breath
- Observe
- Proceed
This helps because when we are fighting, we can actually provide enough of an interrupt that we can stop being in the middle of a fight, flight, or freeze response. This allows our frontal lobe to take control of our thought process instead of the Amada running in panic mode.
This doesn’t mean we stop the fight and not address it anymore, but we interrupt the fight and then proceed with a clear thought and a clear mind.
This helps with the conflict intimacy because we can have enough of a presence of mind to not take things that are being said personally. You are able to understand your wife better because you’re no longer in panic mode. You’re able to appreciate why she does what she does And you can even find ways to help her with her stress by doing the stop technique.
If you would like help on not taking words personally or you’re curious as to how coaching can help you I recommend that you try coaching. To do so just follow this link and take the next step.
