This is a continuing series of our examinations of the different types of intimacies that are described in the Choose Therapy post, 10 Types of Intimacy. We have looked at a couple of other types of intimacy because I understand that we men want intimacy. Yet, did you realize that there was more than just physical intimacy? I get a couple but there are a few that are just a little out there. Therefore, it was a good thing to sit down and examine the examples of intimacy in a relationship. It would help you better understand a portion of your wife’s needs so you both can have a better understanding of each other.
- Physical
- Emotional
- Intellectual
- Spiritual
- Experiential
- Social
- Creative
- Conflict
- Aesthetic
- Work
What is Social Intimacy?
It is the ability to confide with another person. This is at the root of the men’s community pillar. We as humans need social intimacy. Not just with our wife but with others too. These are the friends you have. The men you share your thoughts and ideas with. This is quite possibly the easiest form of intimacy you can build.
Many people struggle with this in today’s society.
This is why so many people are running away from harmless emotions like anxiety. They do not have the experience of social intimacy. They see the emotions of the unknown as too scary to push through just so that they can have friends. They are not experienced enough to read body language and so perceive everything as a threat.
The interesting aspect of this is that loneliness can be quickly corrected. If you take the time to face the anxiety you feel. If you take the time to talk to others. You will make lasting changes in how you view yourself. As you talk, you build the much-desired social intimacy you are craving.
How do we lose Social Intimacy?
Yes, social intimacy is easy to have but the problem most people have is they lose the skill as they get older. Social intimacy is easy as a kid and becomes harder and more challenging as you get older. One of the great skills we start out having right off the bat.
It shouldn’t be hard to hold on to this skill but we start to believe the criticisms and the lies that are directed at us. We have instances where we believe people have let us down. We allow our feelings to be hurt by what someone has said. So we start to doubt our abilities and we guard our emotions with each passing critical jab.
Perceived betrayal
As mentioned earlier we often see slights by other people. These little betrayals are the stories we tell ourselves. The different interactions we have with this person affect how well our relationship will go. If they do just as we think they should we will often believe that we were betrayed.
Now is the betrayal real? Maybe, you are only seeing one side of the story. You don’t know unless you are able to have the social interactions needed to build your social intimacy.
End of a relationship
Many times we have relationships that come to an end. How many of your high school buddies do you still keep in touch with? That number is a lot smaller than you realize. Why? Because their relationship ended when school did. You only had the high school experience as the main binding catalyst for your relationship.
While others lasted a bit longer, you may only have one or two high school friends you talk to now. Yes, Social media has helped with this but you still wouldn’t call most of those guys at 3 am from a different state to see if they would come pick you up.
The more socially intimate you are with other people the closer you become. You can do this with both men and women. The closer women are to social intimacy the closer you get to marriage when single.
Social Intimacy in Marriage
When you are married to the same woman we sadly stop feeding that relationship. Most of the time the relationship simmers to the roommate syndrome. This is where not much passion is going on you are just existing with the woman who used to rock your world.
The decrease in social intimacy directly correlated to the decrease in other intimacy too. You aren’t having as much physical contact. You aren’t going on different experiences with each other. You’re having fewer deep discussions with each other.
The reason this happens is the same with other relationships. There have been times when your emotions got extra messy. You or your wife have said something that created a riff in the relationship. This causes you to step apart. The physical intimacy gets less because of thoughts about the last fight. This is why you have to keep having to come back together and reconnect if you don’t that relationship starts to fade.
How do you build your Social Intimacy?
The hardest thing I have asked my clients to do is work on their social intimacy. They have to go out and make a new friend. This small almost insignificant act builds the confidence to go out and make another and another friend. Eventually, they have a band of brothers that sit and talk to each other on a weekly basis. They will go and check on a brother who goes missing for too long.
The trust is built and refined. Soon you are sharing ideas, and their influences start to transfer to you. Before you know it you are uplifting these men as they lift you.
Make friends
So the first thing is if you are not sure how to grow your social intimacy is to go make a friend and then another. Start meeting weekly. You don’t have to talk about hard-hitting topics. You can just talk about your day-to-day life. A good example of this is the podcast Two Grumpy Vets and a Duuude. This is a show that has me and two friends who meet and talk for 3 hours at times about different things. I like to see if I can get Rich spun up and he does the same thing. This show is done as an example to other men that you can have normal discussions each week. The danger comes when you pull away.
Take a chance with your wife.
If you are trying to strengthen the social intimacy with your wife. This is you hungering for a deeper connection. This is where you need to learn to be more curious and ask questions about her life. You also need to talk about the boring mundane things you believe she wouldn’t find interesting. This is because you are wrong. Your wife wants to be a part of your life and for her, this oversharing of your day is how she gets to be a part of your world. Now you don’t need to overshare your emotions. Remember give her your positive emotions and let the men in your life handle the negative.
If you want help on finding topics to talk about I have amassed 800 questions you can ask her.
Find the questions that will open her heart.
Would you like a jump start on questions you could ask your spouse? Priming the pump of questions that you could ask while at a restaurant or sitting on the couch together?
Do it scared
Finally, do it scared. Yeah, it won’t be fun at the beginning but you can make it a challenge that will allow you to overcome your limitations of meeting others. You also become a better husband when you are associated with high-quality men.
Links
New Podcast 2.0 Apps – https://www.newpodcastapps.com
Coaching – https://wwww.relaxedmale.com/lovebirds
