As with many things in life, sometimes relationships come to an end. We often struggle with the ends of relationships. These parts of relationships are tough and challenging. We have fear and thoughts based in scarcity.
Why does our brain start to spin and ruminate upon thoughts that don’t help us? What keeps us in this state? Why do we keep feeling bad the next day and the next? Why does breaking up have to feel so horrible?
Our Brain Wants Closure
The big reason for mental anguish and ruminating over past events over and over again is due to unintentional thoughts. When we don’t practice what our thoughts should be or what we want those thoughts to be, we wind up having emotions of sadness, depression, regret, fear, anger, and more because we are not being intentional with our thoughts.
Our mind loves to spin. It loves to process and re-process our thoughts over and over again. This is one reason why those negative emotions and hurt feelings last so long – we are not being intentional with the thoughts that we are having. So our mind freely gets to spin and re-process the circumstance of your relationship coming to an end.
The big reason our mind loves to spin is because our mind wants closure. It wants to have a satisfactory end to a series of events. And when we leave a relationship, we are left with a lot of unanswered questions. Those questions are what bring us back to the circumstance each time we think of the situation.
Why Do You Have These Thoughts?
Because of the fact that we want closure in our lives so much, we develop thought loop errors – errors in our thinking. These errors keep repeating as we are in an excited mental state.
As mentioned before, our brain returns to the unfinished circumstance. It doesn’t have the answers it would like to have to be able to just move on. So as it brings up the thought of you not having an answer, this triggers your mind to think of other aspects of the relationship. Those thoughts bring back the emotions that you were feeling, which is a lot like knocking a scab off a wound.
Then, just as you are about to complete the emotional cycle, your unintentional mind loops itself back around to the unfinished questions and starts the cycle all over again. These thought loops don’t serve us. They don’t help us in any way, other than act as a means to bring a painful occurrence back up.
Stopping the Thoughts
To stop these thought loops, you have to start becoming intentional with your thoughts. Understanding when you’re having thoughts and what those thoughts are is crucial to halting the thought loop errors that you have.
The way you start understanding when you’re having particular thoughts and changing those thoughts for intentional thoughts starts with paying attention to what your mind is saying. A good exercise that does this is mindful meditation. Practicing mindfulness is a wonderful tool. We often mistake mindfulness as being a state where we don’t think. No, that is not the goal of mindfulness. The goal of mindfulness is to know when you’re thinking and what you’re thinking.
Are the thoughts you’re having matching what your goal is? If not, then you return to the goal thought. In the Calm app, often the instructor has you focusing on the sensation of the air flowing through your nose while breathing. When you realize you’re not thinking about the air flowing through your nose, you redirect your focus back to the air as it moves.
The thought in that circumstance is, “I am focusing on the air flowing through my nose.” It’s not the dog, not the kids, not your partner. Your focus is on the air flowing through your nose. Those are intentional thoughts.
The first step is to know what type of thoughts you’re having. Now the following is not an exhaustive list by any stretch of the imagination. These are just some of the more common thoughts the majority of people have when it comes to breakups and divorce.
What if It’s My Fault?
This is a common question most people ask when a relationship fails. “What if the relationship failed because of me? What if I am the cause of why our relationship didn’t survive?” My response to that thought is, “What if you are? What are you going to make that mean about you?” It doesn’t mean you’re bad. It just means that you had a hand in the relationship failing, and I guarantee you did. I also can guarantee that your ex-partner is also at fault. When you can accept the fact that you’re at fault for a marriage or relationship failing, then you are in a better place to pay attention and fix any pending problems with the next relationship.
The big issue we usually have with these questions is that we want to blame ourselves for the failure. Did you do something wrong in the relationship? I can guarantee you did. But accepting responsibility is vastly different from taking full blame. Blaming yourself is not going to help the circumstance, even if you are at fault. Accepting responsibility gives you the option of changing the trajectory of your next relationship.
People who place blame don’t take responsibility, even if they blame themselves. They’re not taking responsibility for the marriage failing. So they wind up repeating the problem again.
Will I Ever Find My Soulmate?
This is a scarcity thought. There are 8 billion people on the face of this earth. Your soulmate wasn’t the one who just left out the front door. There may have been a time that yes, she was your soulmate. But she’s not now. A soulmate isn’t a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Yes, society loves to tell us these beautiful stories about two souls out of 8 billion people who happened to come across each other. But what a relationship actually is, and what it truly means, is “You seem to tolerate my flaws, and I can tolerate your flaws the best. Let’s go make the most out of it and take on the world.”
The biggest issue that we have is that we’ve watched so many movies like When Harry Met Sally or You’ve Got Mail or some other rom-com with Matthew McConaughey in it that we think love is supposed to go that way. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t. Because you can only feel the love that you have. If you love another person, you’re going to feel the love for them, but that other person is not going to feel the love you feel. You are not going to feel the love that they feel. That is one of the big mistakes that we make. We want to put our emotional control into the hands of the other person, but we can’t feel what they’re feeling. It just makes it easier to blame somebody else when we don’t feel happy and jubilant.
So will you find your soulmate? Yes, if you’re intentional and go out to find her. That’s how you find your soulmate. You won’t find her by sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, wishing that the previous girl stayed around. You find your soulmate by accepting the fact that the previous relationship has ended, and you need to take action and go find a new partner.
Will I Find Anybody?
As mentioned before, yes, you will find a new partner as long as you allow the previous relationship to fully end. You have to look and examine each of the thoughts that you have about the previous relationship. Clean up the thoughts to where you’re not playing the victim in some way. Take control and responsibility for your part of the scenario, and learn what mistakes happened so you can change with the next partner that comes along.
Will you find somebody? Yes, when you try. You will find someone who will be a better fit than the previous one. I know that sounds impossible, yet it’s true because it happens every day.
I Am Going to Die Old and Alone
When I hear people make this comment, that is someone who is just wanting pity. They are neck-deep in victimhood. They want somebody to come to rescue them. And these are times when you just have to say they are wrong. You don’t validate a person who thinks they are never going to find love again. That’s what friends sometimes do, yes, but if you want to find love again, you can’t wallow around in your own pit of despair.
You have to get your courage up, tie your own shoes, climb back on that horse, and mix in any other metaphors you want to prove to yourself that you’re going to find the right partner.
Every person has the potential to be the right partner. You find the one that meets and checks off all of your green flags and has a few possible red flags that you can work with.
So How Do We Get Closure?
So with all of How do we get closure from the previous relationship? The answer is you be intentional with your thoughts and when you notice that your thoughts are veering into thoughts that don’t serve you you practice changing the thought but you have to examine what the old thought is first. You have to do the thought work do you truly believe, that the thought doesn’t serve you? Not why what needs to happen for you to change that thought? When you start changing your thoughts, you start changing the direction you go remember your thoughts lead to your results. So if you want the results of having a beautiful smoking, hot wife who adores you and is proud of what you do that will happen with intentionality.
How do you manage these thoughts? When it comes to managing thoughts, there are several ways that you can handle wrong thinking. When you notice that you’re having thoughts that don’t serve you, you can gently remind your mind that you don’t have those thoughts anymore. You can also give yourself plenty of time to think and process the old thoughts. A great time is when you’re walking around the block. While you’re out walking, you can have all the thoughts about that circumstance that you want you can fight it out mentally you can have the Thoughts come from different angles and you can try it and storyboard every scenario that leads to that circumstance so that you have thoroughly processed your thoughts. And what will happen as you go out for your daily walk is that those thoughts don’t rise up in your brain nearly as often. and soon you start having more constructive thoughts, as opposed to thoughts that kept you playing small. Another solution is to see a relationship coach. A good relationship coach will not allow you to stay in victim mode. They will help coach you through your thoughts and help you see whether the thoughts you were having benefit you or if they don’t serve you you can then have good faith that you have processed your thoughts thoroughly. If you would like help with the last Aleutian, you can always take the next step.
Take The Next Step
You can by taking the next step. You can have a relationship that is fun, loving, and fulfilling. You can have late nights of curiosity-fueled talks. All this is possible when you get coached.
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