After 10 to 20 years of marriage, you may notice that the roommate syndrome has crept in and has set up Shop right in your bedroom. You may be noticing that there are a lot of things that are just kind of normal. Maybe you think that’s how things just are. However, this stuff can change. The connection that you are used to hasn’t gone it’s just not being used. Your emotional connections are a lot like a muscle and you have to exercise it to keep it strong.
When we have that strong connection in our relationships, we experience a more fulfilling relationship. That connection is what our wife needs to be intimate with us. We often stand around, wondering why she doesn’t want to sleep with us anymore or why the sex has faded away to being once every three months when it used to be we were rocking our socks off every other day. The answer is, that we’ve let life happen. We’ve had arguments and we’ve said things that hurt each other’s feelings. We’ve lashed out because we were hurting emotionally. It means that we would rather feel emotionally safe and not feel hurt as much. Therefore, we withdraw.
That withdrawal pattern amplifies in distance as the years pass. Add kids and other responsibilities and eventually that smoking hot bride that we had isn’t putting on teddys and garter belts for us anymore. She is now in fuzzy pajama pants, a long nightgown sweatshirt with fuzzy socks. You can’t remember the last time she touched her makeup and getting her to go outside amongst people in public is like pulling teeth. When you look back you see and remember how adventurous she used to be. That lack of connection and that lack of communication is what created the problem you’re experiencing now.
Is there any hope? Should you just give up on this marriage and go find a younger model? I would dissuade from the divorce thoughts because you have years of connection. You need to have a reawakening to see that wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling marriage you both still have. The Key is you just have to work at rebuild that connection now.
Start with the end in mind
When it comes to building a strong connection, you want to start with the end in mind. That means stepping back and examining what does a connected intimate marriage actually look like. Yes, it’s gonna have more sex for sure but what else? Are you ok with the possibility that the sex may never come back to what it was before? What does that look like? How do y’all reconnect each night before bed? How do you set aside intentional time for your wife? How do you foster a deeper connection during the hard times? What does your life with a deep meaningful fulfilling connection look like to you? That is the important part that we miss. How do we go about having a great fulfilling marriage? These are all questions you want to ask regularly.
Many times we step through life without without intention so much so that we don’t even think of what we want our marriage to look like or how we want to act toward each other. We think that the other person is supposed to be bringing us joy, happiness, and fulfillment, but that is not the case. Your wife sadly cannot bring you happiness. Your wife cannot make you happy in any form. She doesn’t have that power. The same goes for you. You are not able to make your wife happy. No matter what you say or do, you’re not gonna bring joy or fulfillment to her life. All of that is based upon your thoughts, so you have to first understand and examine and do the thought work on what you believe a good healthy marriage is about.
How do you think You behave when there’s a crisis how do you show up to that circumstance? Look in examine how you want your life to be from every possible angle and then look and see where you don’t show up like that and why do you not show up like that? What are you making your wife saying she’s got a headache mean about your relationship? you want to make sure you have those thoughts processed. Make plans as to how you would like to show up for your wife. Have a vision of how you will be. Don’t worry about your wife. You have no control over her.
Understand your why and want to change.
What is it about your marriage that is unfulfilling? That’s a great question to ask, isn’t it? Can you answer that question honestly to yourself? What part of that scenario is your fault? That’s a big one if you’re able to answer that. You’re gonna be well on your way to finding answers and being able to change your marriage for the better, if you can see how you had a hand in creating this roommate syndrome.
The next part of your marriage that you want to examine is why you want to change. Yeah, the sex may not be as frequent as you would like, but that is just one aspect of a beautiful marriage. If all you can complain about is that you’re not getting as much nookie as you want, then other issues and that is a little bit more work. I would recommend that you look at your beliefs around marriage and sex.
Look at your “why” and examine that “why”. Come to understand the reasons around why you want to better your marriage. That “why” is going to be your motivation. You are going to have rough spots as you make changes in your life. When it’s not going the way you wanted it to go you will need to turn to your “why”. You’ve told your spouse that you’re gonna make changes in the past. You probably have told her that you were going to do any number of things that have never actually happened. This is because if you want her to change, you gotta show her how dedicated you are to that change. That dedication may take years. It’s not gonna be one week down the road for darn sure. So you have to lean on your “why”. Why do you want a better marriage? Why do you want stronger connections and stronger communication with your wife? When you have that “why” you’ll be able to press through those difficult times. Other people just give up and revert back to their old comfortable ways, but not. you because you know why you want a better marriage.
When you have a why you can step into having a better relationship with your wife. You can do so with full knowledge and intention as to the direction you’re going to take your life and your family.
How are you going to intentionally improve your marriage?
Answer that question as honestly as you possibly can. That’s because it’s gonna take all of your intentionality to improve the connection in your marriage. It’s going to take intentionally going to your wife sitting down and talking with her regularly. It’s gonna take you intentionally sharing your day with her no matter how dull and boring you think it is.
When you start becoming intentional in your actions you’re going to get better results. Are you going to still screw up? Oh hell yes, you are. You’re gonna mess up more times than you get right. As long as you are trying and you’re moving forward, and you’re examining what you’ve done with intention, you will see where you’ve messed up. Those problems will be easier to spot and change. You will make your life and your wife’s life better.
Layout your plans
We like to think that we can play things by ear. We can adjust. We have more freedom when we can make changes on the fly. Making plans and examining those plans change the results a lot more than just playing it by ear. Executing those plans is your road to success. If you don’t know where you’re going, are you going to get there? If you don’t know where you wanna wind up how are you even know if you’re close? You have to make plans with your wife.
- Every Saturday at 8 o’clock, I’m going to have a conversation with my wife.
- Every evening at 6 o’clock me and the wife are going to go for a walk.
- Every Tuesday and Thursday I’m going to wash the dishes.
- I am going to buy flowers on Friday For my bride.
List out what you want to accomplish. Then stick to those almost as religiously as you can. Yeah, there’s gonna be times that the’s kid’s have an event is on Friday so you may not be able to go out for steak night. However, if every Friday night is date night, then you pretty much will nail every Friday night as being steak night.
Treat those date nights seriously. Maybe Saturday nights are your date nights now. Therefore, you start intentionally getting dressed up. Go two levels better than what you normally dress. Put on some cologne. Add some deodorant. Wash the undercarriage and go out into town with your wife and don’t expect anything in return for the adventure. If you’re expecting something in return that’s called manipulation and you’re breaking the connection even more.
Work on yourself, not on your wife.
The biggest part of improving your connection with her wife is to not try to fix her. If you think the problem is her, then you need to step back and examine your part of the scenario. She is withdrawn. She’s not putting out she’s not wanting to open up, my response would be what did you do to that. I get this is a difficult question to ask because we don’t want to say our Rose our fault but they are. Now could it be that we have been trying everything and our wife has had an affair? Yeah, there is a chance that that’s happened, but there is a bigger chance that she lost the emotional connection thanks to roommate syndrome and she just happened to find a guy who fit the Bill who makes her feel alive again. So you have to face up to the very uncomfortable fact that it’s not 100% your fault, but you did play a part in perpetuating the breakdown of that connection. This statement isn’t a means to bring upon self-hatred in any way, but when you can be honest with yourself, you’re going to be more willing to make the needed changes and put in the needed effort to fix what is broken in your marriage.
That doesn’t mean you start using your wife as a therapist either. That’s what your band of Brothers is about. You see our wives are not supposed to be our therapists. Our wives are not wanting us to open up emotionally. They do not want us to vomit our emotional feelings all over them. They want to be able to pass their negative experiences and their negative emotions over to you so that you can turn them into positive emotions again. They can’t do that when you’re throwing all of your negative experiences at them.
The secret to what women want from us is the one thing that guys don’t enough of and that is talk about the minuscule minute boring details of our day. When they want us to open up, that’s what they’re talking about. You opening up your life events to them. That’s why we struggle as men. We struggle as hard as we do. Because we’re opening up in the wrong way. Women want to be involved in our lives. Step back and look at how your wife talks to her friends. They go into detail about their day what they’re feeling what they’re seeing. What they experiencing. Look at the same scenario that they’re describing. There is this mountain that’s got three really big large jagged cracks that go down the length of the mountain and it’s just so majestic when the sun hits it at a particular time of the day and it turns into a bright, fiery orange colored glow. While we just say we saw a big mountain and it was cool to see. These are big differences that help them feel involved in your life. That is what they mean when they say they want you to open up.
Work on your four pillars of Relaxed Male
Think back, to when you and your wife first married. You were young you had dreams and ideas and passions that you were going to conquer the world. What changed between then and now? That Dr. that passion doesn’t burn nearly as hot as it used to if it’s burning at all if it’s even smoldering, how big is your friend now? Maybe one good friend maybe one guy you call a friend but you’re not sure. How are you improving your life? Are you still in this great shape now, as you were 20 years ago? These are all things that attracted to us. So why do you think our wife is not attracted to us now?
Man’s mind
Your mind is the most important tool that you have. It’s what is needed for you to have a fulfilling relationship with your wife. It is also what you need to be a good dad for your kids. Your mind is tied to you. Yeah, so many of us men choose to not Exercise our minds at all. We would rather zone out on television games or anything else than continue to feed our minds. Men as soon as they graduate from high school cut their reading amount in half and then they continue to decrease as they go further in their education and college to where they cut down to almost 90% of the reading by the time they are out of school, we become smarter from the knowledge we receive in books, podcasts, lectures, and conferences. And yes, some of these cost money but others are free.
Most men learn the most from books. Knowledge has been passed down from generation to generation because of books. Yeah, ask people why they don’t read all I fall asleep if I start reading well yeah you will. If you tell yourself that enough do not fall asleep, watching television or watching a movie? Because the movie is shorter that can be some of it yeah but when you are reading, you can take that as a point of pride.
The interesting part about reading though is that you actually don’t need a book anymore or better term you don’t have to actually read the book anymore. You can have other people read the book to you. So you can grab the knowledge for whatever topic interests you. And consume it while you’re mowing the lawn why are you doing dishes folding towels or whatever another means of being able to learn some more is through podcasts like the one you’re listening to Other podcasts can help you in several fields that you like to know about. Some conferences are on topics that also write up your interest.
Becoming smarter, expanding your knowledge, and challenging your mind so that you don’t become fixed on just one style of thought. You will fall behind if you don’t keep your learning up you can’t find new ways to have stronger connections with your wife unless you have new knowledge you can share with her. Work on The Man’s Mind Pillar and see how much of your world opens up.
Man’s body
There’s a good chance that when you were 25 you’re in a lot better shape than you now as 35, 45, or even 55 years old. Now this can be because of a decrease in testosterone that we get as we age. It could also just be that our work has us sitting for 12 hours each day, and many times we don’t change our eating habits that we used to have when we were young dumb kids. This has gotten us into trouble because we have to be able to show our wives that we can protect them and we cant if we are out of shape. Many of us when we walk up a flight of five steps, and by the time we get there, we’re huffing and puffing through our mouths. How are we going to protect our loved ones when it comes to hand-to-hand combat?
We show our wife that we care about her and that we’re willing to stay around for the long haul when we have to have a healthy life. Now it doesn’t mean you have to go vegan. No, it doesn’t mean you have to go strictly carnivore, either. It means practicing moderation. Eat the right amount of meat. Eat the right amount of fruits and vegetables. Eat the right amount of grains. Drink plenty of water. Better if you abstain from smoking and drink alcohol in moderation too. You will live a healthier life if you are practicing moderation in every aspect.
If you don’t, then you wind up developing diabetes and you can’t stand on your own 2 feet when you’ve had one amputated so you have to take care of your body. so that you can’t take care of your wife and kids. You have to always work on the Man’s Body Pillar for the benefit of those you care about.
Man’s soul
What gets you out of bed in the morning? Is there something in your life that you cannot see yourself not doing?
You see we men need purpose. We need a sense of direction. These are the driving factors of what keep men, young, healthy, and vibrant. Men who work and take immense pride in what they do. Yet these same men shrivel up and pass away once they lose that sense of identity. Men live longer, healthier, happier, more fulfilled lives, when they have a wife, somebody they can protect and care for and nurture. Yet if a man lives longer than his wife. He will often end up passing within five years of her dying, because those men had their purpose. That man had his “why” and as soon as that “why” was taken from him there was no need to keep going on.
What is your sense of purpose? What is it that you like to do that you cannot stand to have anybody else getting your way of doing that? If you have one of those burning desires, that light will shine in attract other people to you that will shine and attract your wife to be closer to you, if you don’t have that why you become just a warm body with little to no life in them. So what is your purpose? If you don’t know then that could very well be your purpose at the moment. FInd your purpose.
To draw people, like your wife, into your world having your soul shine as bright as possible means you want to feed your soul and that is what the man’s soul pillar does.
Man’s community
Quite possibly the most important pillar of a man’s life is a man’s community pillar. How many friends do you have that you can turn to on a moment’s notice? How many of those friends do you see on a daily and weekly basis? How many of these men do you know beyond being just a good friend?
Men need other men in their lives. To be able to refresh their masculinity they need other masculine men in their lives. Look at the men who you know that congregate at coffee shops, the old Dairy Queen, and the coffee cup cafés. These old men are often farmers, and meet regularly day in and day out. It may not seem like they’re talking about much other than the normal humdrum run of the day. Yet, what they’re doing for each other is ensuring that they bring home the masculine energy to their family. That masculine energy is positive and uplifting. It is caring, that men become frazzled beaten, and alone. Even if we do have a wife and kids, we cannot go without having other men in our lives.
Get honestly curious
One of the greatest ways that you can help build a connection with your wife doesn’t involve long soliloquies about how she means the world to you. It doesn’t require you to stand up and profess your undying love for her. It involves lowly questions. That’s all. Ask simple questions about what your wife is saying.
Asking questions does two things, one it shows your wife that you’re paying attention. We all like to know that the person we’re talking to is actually paying attention to us. The best way to do that is to ask questions about what they are saying. Yes, this does mean we have to pay attention to what our wife is talking about. I will agree that sometimes she throws in a lot of details about stuff that we could care less about. However, if we want our wives to understand that we do care for her, those details are important to her. That is how she communicates by talking about the little details that happened in her day about the weird radioactive green candy wrapper that was stuck to the bottom of her shoe or talking about the person who was trying to put on their makeup in their car that almost ran her over, the makeup that she was using doesn’t match her complexion.
When your wife talks about particular problems, get details from her about it. Pay attention to what details she gives you. It shows you what’s important to her and helps you to come to understand your wife even more. Understanding and those questions will help bridge that connection together to be tighter, stronger, and more resilient than any other exercise you can do
Listen don’t fix
Now, guys, we are guilty of this, especially the nice guys. The nice guys can’t stand when our wife is feeling any emotion that causes us to feel uneasy. So if she’s upset, we’re gonna try to find ways to get her to stop being upset not because of her being upset, but because we don’t like the anxiety and the uncertainty that we feel because she is upset.
When we jump in awe and try to fix the problem, we’re not fixing the problem. We’re manipulating the circumstances. We’re manipulating her emotions were manipulating not helping so you have to be good with your own emotions. Except that you’re going to feel uneasy, sad, anxious, angry or whatever it is that you feel. You may feel powerless, and you have to be OK with it. So that you can help your wife by listening.
That is the key to not fixing your wife. She just wants to be heard. She wants to hear what is happening in your life and she wants to have equal opportunity to share her life with you, when she feels like she has a good connection with you, her clothes will have a higher possibility of falling off for you. The sex comes from the fact that she can trust you emotionally. When she knows that her emotions are not going to cause you to tailspin into Mr. Fix-It mode, she will be happier to share her emotions with you. The more her emotions are shared with you the safer she feels with you. The safer she feels with you the more chances we get the intimacy that we want in our marriage.
Take action
Finally, after you’ve made your plans and you’ve decided what actions you want to take then it’s time for the hard part. This is the taking action you wanted. You wanna walk with your wife every day at 6 PM well be OK with missing the football game if it happens to be running at 6 PM, and be OK with missing the evening news. If you want to walk with your wife at 6 PM don’t try to compromise with yourself on anything other than what the action is. When you do that you fall out of integrity with your own self. Then that lack of integrity shows up in other parts of your life. Above all else to self be true and you have to be true to yourself. Are you truly OK with your wife being upset? If you want her to be emotionally trusting of you then yes you have to be OK with her being upset not rushing to fix the problem if you want her to be able to share her life with you, you have to share your life with her. You have to study. Good communication skills. If you don’t think you have good communication skills that’s where you incorporate the man’s mind pillar, you’re showing her that you are getting better and that you’re making an effort if you’re trying the more that you do the more of a connection you develop the more connection the better marriage.
Take The Next Step
You can by taking the next step. You can have a relationship that is fun, loving, and fulfilling. You can have late nights of curiosity-fueled talks. All this is possible when you get coached.
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