The Art of Saying “No” Without Guilt or Apology

The word NO is the first word you learn today after Mom and Dad. Yet this word is often ground out of us as we grow up. We express NO, and our parents override us. Now I am not saying that we should do what toddlers demand. Because that would be in poor judgment. Kids don’t know right from wrong and they saying they are going to eat their vegetables when we know that they need to negate any claims that toddler has over what they’re going to eat. 

But in doing, so, we also start to realize that boundaries don’t get observed. Our parents step past or overrule our objections, when we are clearly in adult years. Our no’se’s and objections get vetoed by bosses and there’s been a lot of work done to help people to create strong boundaries. But this is about the people who have a hard time, saying, no, and why saying no is one of the more freeing actions a human can do.

So we can argue about the origins of why we overstep boundaries, however, this article isn’t about that. We will just state that we as humans have overstepping boundaries and pushing the limits ingrained in our nature.

Some folks have trouble saying the word 

As I said, many people struggle with saying no. Many of these people could be described as people pleasers, and if you’re a guy that is a people pleaser. You could be a nice guy. These are the guys who take on more and more, in hopes that they get the approval of their peers. The nice guy often over-extends his bandwidth in what he can do. People who have trouble saying no get themselves in trouble with their superiors, their spouse, and even their kids, because they don’t set boundaries. Because they want everyone to like them they often end up pissing more people off than pleasing. All thanks to the small 2 letter sentence we learned when we were a year and a half old. 

The author, Carly Schweet talks about why people struggle so much with saying the shortest sentence in the English language.  It boils down to our thoughts about the circumstance as it always does. Our brains in an effort to seek pleasure and avoid pain it will come up with these two excuses as to why we have to say yes and overextend ourselves.

• We think it lets other people down
• Guilt

The thought that we don’t want to disappoint the people in our circle. This again points to why people pleasers and nice guys struggle so much with making time for themselves. They are always overbooked. they’re often hurried and struggle with getting much-needed time for their own pleasures. All because they can’t say the word “no”.

Why is No a Good word to use?

So what makes “no” such a powerful and useful word? Even though it only has two letters, the word, “no” grants you a lot of power. As long as you are willing to maintain that power. Because as humans, we struggle so much with maintaining that boundary. We start having thoughts about what is that word going to mean to the other person and other assorted thoughts of that nature. 

Yet when we say no, and we hold firm to that, no, we actually get more respect from those around us. “No” grants respect and commands respect at the same time. Let’s look at how that works.

Grants mental fortitude

When we tell somebody NO we are strengthening our fortitude muscle. We are showing our brain that what we think is going to happen doesn’t happen the way that we fear. Does the person get upset? Yeah, but we don’t die. The person who was told no will try to push the boundaries each time simply because you have always caved before. So When you say no again you are again strengthening your mental fortitude. You are mentally getting stronger and more resilient. All thanks to that little word “NO”

Easily declared

A two-year-old can say it and it raises the ire of the parents when that little 20-pound curtain climber actually flexes their will and says no. Many parents will often throw as much of a fit as the child because the kid said the word, “no”.

Saying no is literally so easy that a 2-year-old can do it. Yet why do you struggle? Because little kids don’t have the thought that someone it going to get mad at them for saying no. That little 2-year-old just knows that he doesn’t want to come inside and clean up for supper. He wants to keep throwing sticks at the tree.

It puts you first

Now I have talked about the priorities we need to take. The structure of our priorities is

1. God
2. You
3. Imidate family
4. Family
5. Friends
6. Community

you have to come before everyone else. If you don’t how are you going to take care of your kids? How are you going to take care of your wife? If you are in the hospital because you ran yourself ragged? You can’t. You are letting them down because you were too selfish by wanting to get everyone’s approval. You would have been a lot more selfless if you had put yourself first.

It gives you the needed margin you want in your life.

Even God took a day off to rest. We are nowhere near having the same power as God. So we need to have a day of rest ourselves. That is where margine comes into play. We need space between the work. We need time to break and enjoy the fruits of our labor. You can’t do that if you keep saying yes to your boss. He is about his own interests. So if you want a day to rest and your boss calls you up and says they need you to work on your day off. You are in your right to say no.

No matter how much he threatens and grumbles you can say no and enjoy your day. The key thought is that you have to stay strong in your resolve.

It declares where you stand

If someone is trying to get you to violate one of your core values, this is where the word “no” is vital for your own integrity. If you don’t stand up for yourself nobody will. Your values are sacred to you, and nobody else. So the only person who can actually violate your values is you. If you have a friend who asks you to lie for him because his girl suspects that your friend has a side chick, but one of your core values is truth. Then do you say can’t do that to your friend? or do you try to convince him to come clean? Or, do you Break your core values and lie for him because he is a “Good Guy”?

If you want to be a strong noble upright standing for what you believe. Do you bow to the people who want you to break your core values, or do you want to be known as the man who has principles? That choice is yours and that choice will happen with a yes or NO.

How to say no

Alright, so you have now seen why saying no is beneficial to you and your family because it makes you a better man who is more patient and less frustrated. So how do you go about saying no?

Say the word

First part is simple but can be a challenge for you to say the word, no. The cool part is that is all you have to say, NO, and then you can end the discussion there.. Some people may want an explanation. However, you don’t have to give one. They may even demand that you owe them an explanation and again you can say no. These are ways people try to stretch their

However, the point is for you to exercise your will and say NO. Then examine what is happening. See that you haven’t been blown up into a thousand pieces. You didn’t burst into flames. You weren’t even exiled to Egypt. You just said a simple word. The other person is the one who chose to react to you standing for yourself.

Be ok with other people having their own thoughts

When they are looking for an explanation that is them looking for a way to overturn the objection. When they find out why they can give you a counter. Yet if you just say no they have nothing other than bribes, coercion, and threats. They will have their own thoughts. They want to have the ability to control you so that they feel better about about the circumstance. Yet when we say no we have created a new circumstance that generates a whole new set of thoughts and corresponding emotions that they have to deal with. So are they angry? yeah because of their thoughts not of your NO.

Stick to your guns

This is the crucial part of all your actions. Stick to your guns. IF they can get you to let them break the boundary then they will feel like it is OK the next time.

No, you will have your own thoughts and emotions with those thoughts. However, they are just thoughts. That doesn’t mean that your boss will stomp you into oblivion. It doesn’t mean you are fired. Even if you are did you want to work at a place that didn’t respect the agreed time off? No so let them fire you. You can find a similar position.

People are going to push against any boundary they come against. How many times have to tried a locked door 3 or 4 times just to make sure? We push against boundaries just to make sure we change the person’s mind. So their thoughts can’t hurt you and your emotions are just there to be felt. So you can have a life that is worth living and on your terms but you have to learn to say No more times than you do now.

If you would like to find out how to live your life on your terms then take the next step.