Now if you know me I do have a problem with the word toxicity. I believe it is overused and used to manipulate people more than to describe a part of a relationship. People use toxicity as a reason to pull the victim card more than to describe something. But we are going to be using toxic this week in the means of a personal relationship. When there is a bunch of backstabbing, lack of trust, passive-aggressive actions, and other means of hostility to just “get at” the other person in a relationship.
This is where many marriages fall apart. This is because one person has a set of thoughts and so to counter their thoughts they get back at the other member. The offending person believes they have been offended so they keep attacking. The attacker takes a simple action like getting the wrong item at the store and says that the wife has spent way too much time on a feminist website and has decided that her husband getting the wrong brand of sour cream must mean that hubby is using Weaponized Incompetence.
Yet because he got the wrong brand or size or something else wrong. The wife is having thoughts. Those thoughts generate anger or resentment in the wife and so she acts according to how she is feeling. Instead of just accepting that hubby doesn’t give a rat’s behind about sour cream. If he had a choice he wouldn’t have it in the house.
Those actions and results in the wife are having a direct response to her having thoughts that her husband should know better. He knows what you want. The wife doesn’t take into account that the husband is a different person. That he doesn’t care about sour cream. Yet the wife’s thoughts are that he doesn’t value her.
Now I’m not just dumping on women here, because men are in the same boat. Many men get themselves into trouble for the very same reason that women do. When you are in a dependent relationship you’re going to take every action as an assault against you. The wife doesn’t feel like having sex and you make it mean that she doesn’t like you or your sexual skills are not up to par. You believe that she would rather just sit and watch television maybe have a drink. Talk about how her head hurts and the such. When in reality she may not want to have sex because she has a yeast infection and is embarrassed.
The better way to look at life and the relationship is not through a co-dependent relationship but differentiated. What is being differentiated? That is where you are
- self-aware
- self-definition
- self-regulation
Now people turn to codependency for many different reasons. They feel insecure or they are anxious. So they turn to others to have them try to regulate their emotional status. People can’t do that. People don’t have the power to control other people’s emotions. You have to have control of your own thoughts. This is why differentiation is better.
When you understand you are your own person and you have your own thoughts and you are able to live your life under your own power. You actually relive those ills you have. That is where this week’s video comes into play. What is self-differentiation?
