Your Manual For Happiness

Think back to when you first got married, or if you are single when you first started dating. Somewhere along the way you probably mentioned the phrase, “You make me so happy”. Then as the days turned to weeks and weeks into months and months into years. You had your fair share of disagreements and you probably heard. 

“You make me so mad”, or

 “You really piss me off at times”. 

Maybe even heard, “Can’t you do as I ask just once?”

We have all heard or said this and more. Yet one of the hardest to hear from a loved one is that they are not happy. Yet sometimes we get accused that we failed in making them happy. How did we fail? We did everything we possibly could to make them as happy as possible. Yet we couldn’t make them happy why? How do you make a person happy?

The Manual

How many of you men have grabbed the user manual for the television, the radio, the blender, the stove, the car, or anything else? What is a user manual? It is a special set of instructions on how to use a piece of equipment so you get the most out of it.

The funny thing is that we also have a user manual. WHAT! Where? Well, that is in between our ears. We have a very particular manual for our use. This is a set of instructions that we believe will allow us to be happy, content, and safe. 

We explain to our loved ones what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes not in the clearest of languages. We may yell or bitch moan and groan. Sometimes we get a little grumpy and at other times we get extra grumpy. Then there are times we tell our loved ones nicely and other times we use excessive volume.

Yet what we are trying to say is you aren’t making me happy. The problem with our strategy is that we are complaining to the wrong person. 

The Problem With The Manual

The issue we have with our manual is that people don’t listen. 

What we really want with our manual is the control of other people. We want to control our loved ones in a way so that we feel good about who we are and what we are doing. We don’t want to feel bad and when we feel bad it must be from the people around us. Why would I want to feel bad? If I feel bad that isn’t my doing. 

Or is it?

The actual problem with the manual is that the people we want to control have a choice and free will. So people can choose to do as you ask or they can choose to do the opposite. What does their action mean? That is up to you to decide. You can make it mean that they are just being human or you could make it mean that they woke up that morning wanting to just get your goat. That is your choice. Theirs is to do what they want to do. 

However, since that choice is where we often want to manipulate others so we feel better about ourselves. When we can’t do that we make it mean that we can’t trust that other person to do the job right. When in reality it means you aren’t managing your mind right. 

That is the problem with the manual. We want to control those who we love so that we feel good. We don’t put their feelings into the equation. Those emotions are irrelevant.

The manual and victim mindset

Yes, when you are forcing your manual on someone you are making yourself out to be the victim. A great example of this is the song Perfect Day by Gabby Hanna

Perfect Day (A True Story) – Gabbie Hanna (Official Video)

In this song, our singer talks about how wonderful her day went. That is until she saw I Love You Written in the mirror. It didn’t look like his handwriting and so now her “Perfect Day” fell apart because of all the thoughts she has. Yet she blames her date. For killing her butterflies and making her day horrible. 

Is that what really happened? I have no idea. I don’t know where they are in the relationship. There are way too many variables in play to be able to tell if the guy was at fault. Yet even if all that was the case did he really ruin her perfect day? All she found was some letters written in the steam.  

Did the guy ruin her day? No her thoughts about the circumstance ruined her day. She even says why couldn’t you have wiped it off and let her keep her blissful ignorance. Yet she doesn’t know if it is his handwriting or not just that it didn’t look like his handwriting. So she wished that he could have done something to ensure she felt better about the circumstance. Her emotions are because of her thoughts.

Emotional Childhood

When a person is using a manual they are also in emotional childhood. That is the person with the manual believes that it is other people’s actions that make them feel their emotions as I mentioned in the previous section. Gabby Hanna believes her boyfriend was the reason her perfect day was ruined, and it isn’t. Her thoughts are what ruined her day. Her thought that her boyfriend was cheating is what made her perfect day go wrong. 

Emotional maturity is when you realize that your thoughts are what create your emotions, not the circumstance around you.

How to keep from using the Manual

There are many ways you can keep from using a manual on other people. The first is accepting your responsibility in the circumstance. Your Wife wanting a divorce isn’t the reason you feel bad. The thoughts you have about your divorce do make you feel bad. Now, do you want to feel good in that instance? Probably not, but knowing that you were able to choose that emotion is where the power comes from. Knowing that life is 50% pain and 50% pleasure is what makes life what it is. If it wasn’t for the low valleys you wouldn’t appreciate the peaks nearly as much.

Take responsibility for your actions. Know that yeah you will fall into emotional childhood time and time again but the work you use to stop it will help you become better. You will accept your part of the equation and be willing to allow your spouse their emotional ups and downs too.

You can also absolve your spouse from thinking that they have any responsibility of making you happy. They don’t have to worry anymore and then sit back and watch them as they try to understand what that newfound freedom means

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