We often find ourselves in different circumstances throughout the day. Those circumstances can vary from one instance to another. We are always making snap decisions about whatever circumstance we make and yeah many circumstances are easy to handle. Do you turn left or right at poplar street? Do you go to work first or do you go to your favorite coffee shop? Are you late or on time? Do you stop hard or just keep going at the same speed even though that guy just pulled in front of you? Those are pretty easy to make decisions on.
That is thanks to other parts of your brain working to make sure you don’t die. Your brain is a do not get killed device. So it is going to do everything it can to make sure that it follows the Motivational triad and keeps you comfortable in a familiar place.
So why is the fact that your wife just woke you up at 2 last night and told you she wants a divorce, not a simple decision? Why not let our amygdala and hippocampus just run the show? There are many reasons for that. But these circumstances are not as cut and dry as the others because these circumstances actually need your prefrontal cortex to work.
The Amygdala is a panic machine. Its job is to look out for ropes that may actually be snakes. It is supposed to look out for the cave bear that may be in the basement. The Frankenstein monster lives in the closet. The Amygdala makes decisions based solely on the emotions you are feeling.
Before we go into that let’s break a few other points down.
What are circumstances?
Circumstances are the facts of the scenario. In our example that is your wife woke you up and said, “I don’t love you anymore and I want a divorce.” or something to that effect. It could be that you came home early and you caught her with your supposed best friend. We will look at both of these examples separately in this post.
Circumstances are the facts. They are nothing but factsThis is where we could go to a court of law and lay the fact out and everybody would agree. This is where many people get caught up. They take thoughts and try to make them facts.
The differences between circumstances and thoughts
The key to knowing your circumstances is removing all disputable elements. My wife wants me to leave the house. Well did she say that exactly? If not then that is a thought.
A thought is anything that has a modifier in it. My wife was sleeping with the ugliest guy on the block. The modifier of the guy being ugly makes the point a thought, not a circumstance.
Thoughts are not questions.
Why does my wife hate me suddenly? That is a thought. Because of the emotion of hate in the statement. I thought we were happy. Is also a thought. So you have to boil the circumstance down to really get to the bare facts of the circumstance.
The facts are you walked in and saw a guy you know boning your wife. Your wife said some words. What you make those words mean is where many men screw up. Then their life is plunged into turmoil and they start trying to make decisions based on feelings.
Circumstances are Neutral
Another point you want to know about circumstance is that circumstances are actually neutral. They are not good nor are they bad. They just are. We often want to say something is terrible just because of what our experiences were. Yet if a circumstance creates feeling then everybody would feel the same way.
You and a buddy go to a movie. Yall watch the very same movie at the exact same time in the same theater yet you and he comes out with two wildly different experiences. Why? Because of what creates the emotion you are feeling at that time. Your thoughts on that circumstance.
A good example is My wife and I could be eating cajun food. I think it is great and my wife is thinks it too hot. Why? Thoughts. The jambalaya isn’t any hotter for her. It s just above what her mind thinks is acceptable. I have a friend who thinks Big Red Gum is too hot. Is it? Not the circumstances are neutral. While our thoughts vary.
So what does this have to do with our wife wanting a divorce?
The way you think of the circumstance will depend on how you feel. That feeling will affect your actions. Those actions will lead to your results.
Let’s look at our examples again.
Your wife woke you up at 2 am to tell you she wants a divorce. (Circumstance)
The thoughts of, I have done everything you wanted. I sacrificed my all desires for yours! I put you First. That wasn’t enough for you, (Thoughts)
You may even say these very words to her while she is talking. Yes, talking is nothing more than sharing thoughts with other people.
You have the feeling of shock, numb, angry (Feeling)
So you Yell, Plead, argue, and Call her out on her shortcomings, (Actions)
The results end up being that you are not convincing her that you are the best she has. You are showing her exactly why she wants to leave. (Results)
Example 2
You open the bedroom door and you see who you thought to be your best friend Kevin naked and on top of your wife.
The circumstance is that your wife is having sex with Kevin.
I am going to kill them both, How dare they! That is why she doesn’t sleep with me anymore. She is a selfish bitch, She will pay. (Thoughts)
Anger, frustration, betrayal, jealousy, furious (Feelings)
Start pounding on Kevin, You throw them both out, You yell and scream, and You have a temper tantrum. (Actions)
You have driven your wife to the arms of another man. You have driven a deeper wedge between your wife and yourself. You have confirmed to her that you are not a good husband. (results)
Which sounds really odd doesn’t it? She is the one that was caught in the arms of another man. Yet You are to blame? Yeah, those are possibly her thoughts and maybe she was in the arms of another man because she was emotionally drained and the new man was allowing her to feel alive.
Now don’t get me wrong I am not advocating cheating at all. Affairs are one of the excusable A’s for a divorce. Just showing you that you are operating on a set of thoughts and beliefs and your wife is operating on her own set of thoughts and beliefs.
So How do you handle a circumstance?
There are many different ways to handle one. Most of the time handling it in an expanded emotional state isn’t the time nor the place. If you are wanting to think about what is being said whether it is through a model or through another way. You have to beagle to get a hold of your prefrontal cortex first. When you are in a fight, flight, or freeze mode you are not in any condition to make huge decisions.
This is why it is better to have a living will all written out before you need it. It is better to have your will written before you are cold in the ground. Those decisions done in the heat of the moment are more often than not wrong. Don’t believe me? Look at Homeland Security and the patriot act. Both were created right after 9/11 and we can now not tell our loved ones bye at the gate. There are no more romantic hellos as people are off-boarding. All because people were making decisions in the heat of the moment.
You need to use the correct part of your brain.
Now I am in no way an expert in neurological science. I understand what I know from what I have read. Which isn’t that much. But I do understand that there are 3 important parts of our brain that we use to keep ourselves alive. There is the habit center of the brain, Your hippocampus, and the Emotional part of your brain, the amygdala. And the reasoning part of your brain the prefrontal Cortex.
The habit center is meant to allow your brain to not use that much energy. When you are driving on habit. That is your hippocampus taking over. When you are stressed or feeling bored and you need a dopamine hit. You might turn to porn which is your amygdala in action.
While our prefrontal cortex uses the most energy and our brain is afraid of using too much energy, so it tries to not use the thinking center all that much. This is why the unexpected is so uncomfortable. It goes against the motivational triad your brain uses to operate.
The part of your brain you need to be using in an emotionally intense circumstance is the thinking part of the brain. That can be difficult if your amygdala is wrenched in the controls from you. So you don’t want to make any big choices til you have calmed down.
This is why you don’t want to send that brutal email to your boss till tomorrow after you have slept on it. You don’t want to leave your house till you have looked at the circumstance objectively.
Many men state they really screwed the pooch by just reacting to a circumstance. Instead of stepping back and breathing. A simple 5 by 5 can do the trick. That is when you step back 5 feet and wait 5 minutes. There are many great exercises you can use that will help you make important decisions.
Using the wrong part of the brain will often lead to wrong choices. While the other option may not be as pleasant but will lead to better choices.
So how do you use the right part of your brain?
This is the secret. You slow down. You can use all sorts of tools to make decisions. However, if you don’t have the right mindset you are going to run into trouble. Your thoughts create your results. So how are you going to change your thoughts?
I hear so many people try to claim you can’t just change a thought overnight! To a point you are right. You have to believe in that thought for it to be changed. The 4-minute mile was not possible till Roger Bannister did it. Then after that people started doing it regularly and that time is now down to 3:43 for a man to sprint the mile. Why? Because they were suddenly able to believe it was possible. Before they were told it wasn’t possible and they believed it.
So for you to actually make a change in your actions you have to make a change in your thoughts. Those thoughts are going to be difficult to change sometimes because they are ingrained in the habit center of your brain. You WIll have to start paying attention to what you are thinking and actually openly questioning whether that’s actually true. Do you really believe your wife is a horrible woman? Do you really believe she is turning your kids against you or are you turning the kids against you?
Changing the Thought.
We all have a part in our scenarios. So the best way leaders such as yourself can change the attitude of others is to own up to your mistakes. You were not present. You were more interested in what she wasn’t doing than what she was doing. You had let yourself go. You were a couch potato. You have to come to the realization that You have the power to correct this ship. That ship being you.
To Change a thought you want to notice when you are having the thought you don’t want to have anymore. Like, “My wife is cold-hearted” When you notice that you are thinking that, interrupt that thought and change it with something like “My wife I trying her best”. Do you ever notice you are having a mental argument with your wife? Stop it and let her win in your mind.
So start paying attention to your thoughts. You might do some meditation so you are able to recognize when you are thinking in the unintentional model so you can shift back into an intentional way of living.
Take a look at the Eisenhower decision matrix this will help you be able to decide if what you are focusing on is important or not. Is it urgent or not? We often waste way too much time working on stuff that is not important but urgent and forgetting the important, not urgent stuff.
Finally, get a coach to help you work through this mess of thoughts you are fighting through. This divorce is going to be rough at times. And if you are going into it with a scarcity mindset or a victim mindset you were going to shoot yourself in the foot more times than you want to admit.
If you want to be able to keep your sanity and dignity after the divorce please reach out and schedule a consult call.
