The Holidays are upon us now, and as this post comes out we have just a few days till Christmas. This means that you are either on your way to family Christmas or you have already had Christmas and you are about to head home. Whether you are coming or going there are plenty of thoughts going on about your divorce. However, for this post, I want to talk to those guys who are still reeling from the divorce announcement or who are in their first year of the divorce process.
There are several key points that you want to pay attention to and how to process the emotions and thoughts that are going to come up as you see your aunt who has to ask all the uncomfortable questions.
Families are strange, yeah they don’t seem to understand boundaries. That is often because they still see you as the little snot-nosed brat seeing if he can eat all of the deviled eggs before anybody else gets a chance to have any of them. That is fine. They have their own thoughts about the very same circumstances you are facing.
What you want to know about relatives. These people will have their own thoughts and emotions apart from what you are feeling. This means that yeah they are going to step on that sore toe a few times as they try to quench their thoughts and the uneasy feeling they are facing. Then you have some relatives who are very opinionated and that can be alright too.
The Holiday Relatives are just sharing thoughts
If you can come to understand this aspect of your family the better it will become. We all have thoughts about the circumstances that we face. Those circumstances may be that you are getting a divorce. That divorce you are having from your wife will affect each family member differently. Could be that nosey aunt Ruth saw your wife as her twin and so she always enjoyed spending time with your wife and now that your wife is about to be your soon to be Ex she is having thoughts that her friend is going to be gone. Maybe your uncle saw your wife as the daughter he never had so now his daughter is not going to be showing up.
You see we all have different thoughts. Your thoughts of your wife leaving are the types that create painful emotions. The thoughts may also have you feel fear or anger or despair. You may feel lonely or hopeless. This is because of your thoughts. Your Aunt Ruth isn’t causing the pain you are feeling. Your thoughts that are coming up from your aunt’s questions are creating the pain you are feeling.
Your thoughts and their thoughts will often get mingled. People love to share their thoughts with other folks. Especially when those other folks are your family members. So it helps if you can look at their concern through a lens of love and see that they are just struggling with the breakup in their own special way.
When the pressure gets too high
So what do you do if you have Glados just peppering you left and right about what you are going to do? Uncle Reggie is giving you all the advice that you don’t need. He is even calling your ex some unsightly names. You haven’t given up on your wife yet here is your uncle talking about her as if the divorce was finalized 5 years ago.
Maybe you have set some boundaries and yet they still just keep stepping all over them. What do you do then? Are many things you can do.
Reinforce the boundaries around the Divorce.
Remind your family members what your boundaries are and if they don’t want to listen then you need to reinforce that boundary by enacting the consequence. If that is you leaving then leave. If you don’t want to leave then you may need to find some other way to remove yourself from the discussion. Now, this won’t stop them from talking but it will get you out of the hot seat.
Go for a walk
With it being cold it will cause you to beagle to get deeper breaths in as you are walking. Walking is great for thinking and processing emotions. All you have to do is place one foot in front of another. Now it may be close to time to eat or presents being opened. If that is the case let someone know how you can be contacted.
Yet the power of walking is great. Not only do you get the blood flowing and you are breathing in more air. You are also able to just think as you are pounding the concrete. The stroll can do quite a bit and I go walking all the time when I am with my relatives. Not because they are on my nerves but because I like walking and the results I get for processing the thoughts and emotions that I have.
Your thoughts create your results
How did you enter your relative’s house? Did you think it was going to be horrible and they were going to ask you an endless conveyor belt of questions? Do you ever notice how many times that happens when you are thinking it will? How many times have you told yourself it was going to suck because of those questions? Then surprise it does suck because of those questions. Why is that?
The answer in simple terms is your thoughts create your results. So if you think visiting relatives is going to blow then it will blow. The reason it does this is that our brains are like computers and when you decide it’s going to be rough then your brain will start looking for examples to back that thought up. If you want the visit to go smoother then you want to change your thoughts. Change your thoughts and you change your results.
Now I understand it sounds easier said than done and when you are living your life in the unintentional model you are right it is easier said than done. Yet when you start living with the intention you find that changing your mind is easy However you also know that avoiding emotions doesn’t work either. You start intentionally feeling your emotions and you start being ok with others having their own thoughts. This is thanks to you having an abundant mindset.
With this mindset, you aren’t shutting people down because you think they are being mean. In fact, you let them voice their words and you start seeing that being intentional and processing your emotions allows you to have the freedom to let others live their life out as they deem.
When you are with your kids
Now if you have been married for a while you will possibly have some kids who are hanging around. Therefore because of your offspring, you are going to have to present yourself a little differently. There are things that while you are in the presence of your kiddos you will be faced with. These things will be the thoughts you have about a circumstance. They have no bearing on your kids in any way. You will have to pay attention to your emotional presence though.
You know right now that each of your kids has their own personality and set of thoughts. Yet there are going to be times, while they are visiting you, that you will see your wife in their actions or comments. They are not being insensitive. Their mom didn’t put them up to this. All those are thoughts you are having about the way the dear light of your life said something.
So what do you do to ensure you have the best time with your kids? The answer is you will have to do several things you are going to not like but also can entail some things that you do like.
Watch that show for the 1000th time
Yeah, kids like repetition and so you may have to watch that kids’ show for the 1000th freaking time. That’s fine you can do it. You can go through every frame of the show for your son’s sake. It is about spending time with him the quantity of time ensures you have the quality of time, you are seeking. This works for teens as well as your young kids. Use the quantity of time to get the quality time in.
Teens are going to be more talking than the young ones. Yet you are still able to connect with them. The secret to connecting with teenagers? You talk to them. Do not talk at them, talk to them. Ask questions about what they are doing. Repeat what they did as 2-year-olds. Ask about the video game they are playing. Learn from them. Yes, you can learn from them. I was surprised when I learned that lesson from my teenage son. You just have to drop the ego. Teenagers aren’t going to not respect you for teaching you something they just want to know they can make an impact in their world.
Have your hair and nails done
If you have little girls, one of the big bonding rituals they have is doing each other’s hair and nails. Making each other beautiful by making an unholy mess. There are going to be times when your daughter will want to practice on you. Don’t be the oaf like me and refuse. Let her do your hair. Put nail polish on.
Tell you a secret I learned. Brake cleaner will help keep your man cad right where it belongs. Break cleaner and solvent will remove that nail polish when she is done or has hit the hay.
Now if she does this in the middle of the day and she wants to take you out, then you would recommend that you sacrifice your ego for the day and just go walking around the neighborhood with a little rouge and lipstick on. This will allow you to build a stronger connection with your daughter. So slap on the bright green nail polish and get ready to be Mrs. Nezbit.
Don’t put mom in a bad light
There are times when your ex will come up in your kid’s conversation. Do not EVER put your Ex in a bad light. It will only cause your kids to defend her and it will hurt the strength of your bond with your kids.
Don’t talk about her. Even if she is attacking you left right and center. Just let it go while you have your kids.
Hang with the guys
A Final thing you can do that will help you get through the holidays while going through a divorce is hang with the men. These men could be those of your family or your band of brothers. Bring your kids, especially your son, along too. They will see how men are supposed to act and how men talk to each other.
Nice guys struggle with being around men because they are trying to please women so much. So hanging around men helps you on several different levels.
First, these men can help you by showing you what masculinity is. That masculinity will help you find your sanity.
You find the support you are needing. Yes, they will call you out of your BS. That is good. These men have survived what you have gone through and so they can help you too. Men nor women haven’t changed their nature since the first human strolled across the plains. So Many times the plain-spoken man has more insight than any doctor of culture could ever hope to know.
These men can also help your kids how to adapt and accept their world. Yeah, they are going to talk very directly. Kids may be used to having very passive discussions but they will see that direct assertive communication styles are actually good.
If you are dreading these holidays and would like the freedom from emotional judgment. Reach out and Let me know. You have to take the first step but you can make it.
