What is the scariest circumstance you have ever faced? Take your time to think this through, Now why were you afraid? If you get really clear as to what thoughts you were having you can see what was making you mad, anxious, uncertain, or any other emotion you might be feeling.
Let’s look at a couple of examples
You are waiting for a job offer. You have been doggedly after this position for the past 2 months. If you get it you believe it will set you up for better pay and opportunities. The recruiter you have been talking to said they were going to give you an answer on Thursday and it is Thursday and the time is 4:45. Why haven’t you been called yet? The recruiter said they would call no matter if you got it or not. So what is that feeling you have? Apprehension? Frustration? Irritation? Lose? Hopeless? Defeated? Anger?
There are several different emotions you could feel because of this, not just one. You may have frustrations that flow into irritation, which leads to Hopelessness, which goes to anger.
So why do you feel all of these emotions? Many people will put the blame onto the recruiter’s shoulders. They will say it is his fault they are feeling anger or frustration. However, that isn’t the case. You are feeling those emotions because of the thoughts you are having about the circumstance of the recruiter hasn’t called yet. Is he going to call? You don’t know. Therefore, the thought of the unknown event is actually the source of the anger and frustrations.
Another example is Your son is late from hanging with a friend. He was supposed to be home around 10 pm and it is now 11 pm. Where is he? You have called the friend and he said he left late but wasn’t sure of the time when he left.
Is your son still at a friend’s house getting ready to leave and his friend is just trying to cover for him? Is he just on his way? Is he dead in a ditch with dirty underwear? You don’t know and the unknowing is why you are angry at your son. Because he created a place of uncertainty in you your mind. You allowed fear to creep in and you have decided that you need to teach your son a lesson all because you felt fear. You are angry, concerned, and even relieved when he walks through the door. Yet we want to point to our son as the source of our discomfort.
This again isn’t actually the case. Your fear, relief, and anger are all rooted in the thoughts you were having. Not that he disobeyed you thought that is what we say to ourselves. The reason we get angry at our kids for disobeying us is out of fear. Fear of what their choices will be. Fear of what their actions will reflect on us. It actually doesn’t have anything to do with our son. It has everything to do with how it makes us feel.
The misplaced emotion
So what is at the heart of all these negative emotions? Well if you look at an emotion wheel. You see all these emotions listed out and grouped into bigger, or base emotions, and these emotions are often grouped into primary emotions. However, I think these primary emotions are part of the two rudimentary emotions. These emotions are love and fear. Now, look at the uncomfortable emotions in the image below you can see that all those emotions have an element of fear in them. While comfortable emotions have love in them. So I actually think most emotional wheels have two emotions misplaced. Love and Fear are at the base of all other emotions.
Well, shouldn’t hate to be the opposite of love? No fear is the opposite of love. Fear is what causes hate. Your neighbor is getting more money so you fear that you are losing money. Hitler was afraid that the Aryan race was going to be diluted and disappear so his hate is also based on fear. Fear is the root of all suffering and strife in the world. It is also the root of all your suffering.
Why is the unknown scary?
Because it causes us to fear. If we don’t know what going to happen next then our brains being the wonderful computers they are try to predict what is going to happen. Since its primary job is to not get you killed it instantly goes towards the worst-case scenario.
So when you are missing $100 that is why you go into panic mode. Your scarcity mindset kicks in and you start accusing your wife of taking the money. When in reality it is in the left pocket of the pants you wore yesterday. Now accusing your wife of taking money is that done out of love or fear? Think about that. And allow yourself to feel that emotion. Does the anger come from a place of love or fear?
What does the unknown mean?
The unknown can mean anything. It could be a birthday present or a missing child. It all depends on the circumstance. It is that small element that keeps you from taking action, all because you need more information.
Fear is always going to be around you cant remove fear from your life. You are going to be afraid of a choice you made. You are going to be afraid that the woke mafia is going to target your business. Is any of this going to happen? Don’t know most likely not but because we have fear we worry and worrying is like going through a whole horrible experience twice. So why worry about something a) you can’t control and b) is going to most likely not happen?
“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
Mark Twain
You see you can let your mind try to protect you from the worst by letting you worry and live in fear, or you can accept that you don’t know and you can find out by experiencing life. Here’s a great example that I turn to way too much. Roller coasters, the first time you went to ride one you were scared. The only way you can get past the fear is by experiencing the coaster firsthand. Yeah everybody tells you it is fun. If that’s the case why are you standing around with a load in your shorts?
The reason is that you have to experience the roller coaster yourself. And as you go up the climb you are feeling all that anxiety and fear. Yet as you go down the first drop that anxiety turns into exhilaration and excitement.
Do you React or Respond to the fear?
This is an important differentiation. Reacting can be seen as a reaction to treatment. If you have an allergic reaction that’s not a good thing. While if you are responding to a treatment that means you are feeling better
If you are being unintentional in your thoughts you will most likely react to any thoughts that jump into your mind. While if you are intentional in thinking you will actually have a better chance of responding to the circumstance. You are less likely to do something that you will regret.
Fear is one obstacle that will hold you back. It is overcoming the fear that allows us the greatness we envision. We are able to excel in our endeavors when we are able to process fear and not let it rule us.
