It doesn’t matter how you look at it, you have had the feeling that you have been wronged at least a few times in your life. It may be just a minor faux pas or something major where you have had a major grievance. We all have the opportunity to forgive at one point or another.
The problem most people have is that they have the opportunity to forgive someone and they don’t. These people often struggle with the anger and resentment that builds up within themselves. All because there was some occurrence and there wasn’t any satisfying resolution to it.
Therefore these people often sit in that discomfort wanting someone to recognize the injustice that they faced. Many of these people fall into a victim mindset because they start identifying with their outrage and that violation as they continue to share their stories as to how their abuse happened and how grave the injustice was and how unfair it was.
These people start carrying the heaviest thought any man can carry. It isn’t grief, it isn’t even the victim mindset. It is a grudge. Now I have talked about grudges before and how you can rise to your greatest self when you are weighted down with a grudge.
A grudge is a lot like drinking poison and waiting for our enemy to die. You are throwing all your hate against someone who is barely even thinking of you. While that abuser is occupying almost every idle second of your thoughts. How can you dream of what you will become if you are letting the very person you claim to detest to live rent-free in your head?
The question I pose is, how do you evict that nemesis forever? You may not like the answer but you forgive and you forget.
What forgiving is and what it means
Many people who have been wronged in the past just yelled, Bullshit! I do inderstand. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I forgave my mental tormentors. Yet when you do it is freeing.
So what do I mean by forgiving those who wronged me? That is almost exactly what I mean. You simply forgive them. Now forgiving doesn’t mean you forget what they did. I don’t believe there is a way to forget that, but in reality, would you really want to? I wouldn’t want to stay weary of them for the very fact of what they did.
So what do you mean when you said forget? I mean you stop thinking of them. If they come waltzing back into your thoughts you gently turn away from that thought. You may even say I don’t care about them. Don’t give them any more of your energy.
What if they wronged you again? Then that would be a shame on you. If somebody has a track record of wronging you and you let them still wrong again you. That is not on the offender. That is on your shoulders and you need to correct that.
Forgiving others
So how do you forgive others? A lot of people sadly are so lost in their grudges and their own world of self-pity, that they don’t even see the opportunities for forgiveness. This is a lot like how people with a scarcity mindset think. Yet forgiving somebody is a simple process.
How? You use three little words, “I forgive you”. Now I understand some folks can’t have it that easy and that’s fine but if you don’t leave you can forgive so that easily you don’t have to. You can make up as complex of a ritual as you want to forgive somebody. One of the big things a lot of people do is write a letter.
In this letter, you address the person who offended you. write out all the grievances all the pain all the hurt all the hate and vitriol you have inside of you. End it with but I forgive you and I wish you well. Then fold it up put it in the envelope write the person’s name on the front of the envelope and then burn the envelope and the letter and imagine using that fire as a means that all of your hate and rage and animosity towards this person goes up in the flames
Now after that you still have a little bit of work to do and this goes for either method of forgiving the person after you have released them from any responsibility towards your pain which is what forgiveness is. Anytime that person comes to the forefront of your mind you have to tell yourself were not thinking about them and change your thought. Depending on how hard you have to work at this and how long you have held this grudge you will eventually convince your mind to stop thinking about that person. So every time that person comes to your mind you repeat I’m not thinking about them and then change the thought and then the next time he comes here she comes up we’re not thinking about them and you change your thought rinse and repeat until you don’t think about them anymore.
Forgiving yourself
Now this section is tougher than the other one. We have all screwed up at one time or another. We have wronged somebody and we feel guilty about it. Maybe even you feel a good bit of shame about what you did. Either way, you can, and actually should forgive yourself. You can give yourself some grace. There is nothing that we have done that is so horrendously unforgivable that we cannot forgive ourselves. And the methods of forgiving yourself are the same as forgiving other people.
You can tell yourself, “I forgive myself”. It may feel weird and bit awkward yet you are allowed to forgive yourself.
You can also write yourself a letter. Taking time to address your shortcomings and faults. Express what the results of your transgressions were. Lay it all out. Then give yourself grace and write at the end, “I forgive Myself of it all”. After writing it put it all in an envelope and then burn it. again imagine all of your guilt and shame going up in smoke as the letter burns up.
Forgiving yourself of what you have done wrong is one of the first steps you need to do to be able to become the man you dream of. The ability to forgive yourself means you are also able to be forgiving of others. It is interesting that we can forgive others more easily than we can ourselves. Yet we are the most important player in our game of life. Removing the yolk of shame is one of the most freeing gifts we are able to grace ourselves.
So as you overcome this huge obstacle celebrate when you do overcome this trial. It is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If you are struggling with this you can always reach out for a consult call and we can get you on the path to greatness.
