I had a great discussion with some mothers who were wondering why their 13-year-old sons have suddenly started pulling away from them. I had mentioned that this is a natural occurrence in that this is the time that boys want to start differentiating themselves from their mothers and that at this time was when they needed their father to start showing him how a masculine man is supposed to be.
Now, this didn’t go over well since many of these women are divorced and their views of their ex-husband and the father of the boys are not the best and healthiest views one could have about the other half of their boy’s DNA. There were some strong questions being thrown about, but eventually, one mother asked a great question that I haven’t addressed here.
What is Masculinity?
I paused and I know I have talked about masculinity and addressed some key components of being a Grown Man and a Grown Boy. I have talked about how masculinity isn’t toxic and other aspects of being a man. Yet never directly addressed what masculinity is.
Many people today want masculinity to be where men are calm and not in a rush. They actually want men to behave more like women. You will hear feminists often state that society would be better if men just acted more like women.
Yet these are not good men. These men are not safe. Cowards are the most destructive beings on the earth. These are the abusers of society. What is a good man? Dr. Jordan Peterson says it best.
A good man isn’t a safe man. A good man is a dangerous man who keeps it under voluntary control
Dr Jordan Peterson
What makes a Male Masculine
There are many parts to what makes masculinity great and needed in society. Many of these aspects are the very reason why it is being attacked by the misandrists of the intellectual class. Masculinity is as a whole a type of energy. It is how a man carries himself and what he does for himself. Now there is a huge list of what makes a man masculine and a guy doesn’t have to have all of these to be masculine. However, the more checkboxes you have the more masculine you are. So this could almost be one of those Cosmopolitan quizzes. How Manly Are You? Ok maybe not. Anyhow…
Masculine men Produce
Real men are producers. They have fun tearing things down, yes. This allows for them to use raw strength in an unfocused way but when the object is destroyed what then? Non Masculine men just walk away. They think they are done. A masculine man will then start to build. They apply their skills to build something new in its place. If they don’t know how, they are not afraid to learn.
Masculine men find fulfillment in the challenge as they create something out of nothing. This is one reason that the Third Pillar of a Relaxed Male is Feeding the Soul. I have addressed the 4 pillars many times both in text and in podcast form.
Men produce, they create. This is because of their masculinity. That Energy is the spark that creates great things in society.
Masculinity needs to be the best.
It’s not only the drive to create but men want to be the best. They want to dominate their competition. This is why men are naturally competitive. Even as boys they challenge each other to climb higher and see who can jump the farthest. They use the challenge of others to better themselves.
To a masculine man, why even try if you don’t have a shot to be the best? When a man sees that he is in a closed shop and can’t climb the ladder, and has the proof that he needs that is he is improving then he starts to get burned out and loses interest.
Men have always competed against each other. From before the Olympics to now masculine men have to know who’s the best.
Natural Leaders
When there is something that has gone wrong it is the most trusted man people turn to. It’s not as sexist as feminists would like to believe. It is just that people turn to the man who is most capable of leading. It’s not so much by a vote but by actions.
From being the man of the house to wearing the pants in the family these are all about who leads. Women do like to be led. This is the reason that they ask you what you want to eat. They are asking you to take charge. If they want someplace particular they will say so.
People need to know that you have the means for leading and all you have to do is take charge. If you are a nice guy this is scary and will keep you playing small. The woman in your life wants an adventure they can go on. To go on that adventure you have to lead.
Protector
Masculine men also protect those that look to them for leadership. Be it his kids and family or just someone who needs his help. It is masculinity that gives the man a sense of duty to protect others. We are the stronger gender for a reason. That reason is so we can protect those around us.
This is one reason that when men are cowardly and run from their problems they often realize that they ran from their duty. This is often the root of a lot of self-loathing. Yet when they try to protect those they love and are not they also see themselves as not living up to their calling. Though they did all that they could and were not able to do so. We will often fall into despair and depression too because we are often too hard on ourselves.
Provider
A part of masculinity is also men provide for those who depend on us. We, as men, leave the cave to hunt and return to the cave with that night’s meal. We try to provide as many creature comforts as we can. We know that comforts equal safety so we provide a safe house. Money for food and beds.
We also provide experiences. We provide the life lessons our kids need to know to survive. We show our sons and daughters how to change a tire on the side of the road. We provide them with their first doughnuts in a parking lot. We provide vacations to see the extended parts of their family and see parts of their world they may be interested in going to as adults on their own.
Men provide safety for their boys to try out their growing bodies. They provide encouragement and wisdom when they seek it out. Men provide a listening ear and curiosity about what is happening in their kid’s world so that they can lead their kids through this tricky minefield of adolescence.
WIth masculinity, men are also that same provider for their wives. They listen and offer suggestions IF they ask for them. Masculine men don’t put their women on a pedestal. They listen and provide help where he can, but allows for his wife to be different. He is providing her with the safety to live her life her way.
Disciplined
This is a skill that has been lost somewhat in today’s day and age. Men who can hold off instant gratification for a larger reward. The ability to keep from seeking the pleasure of the moment for the greater results of tomorrow is something many men, myself included, had a hard time overcoming. Yet this is a very masculine skill that allows men to become the great men they aspire to be.
This is the skill that when mastered allows them to blast past their competition and become great. They are able to lead more effectively, to refrain from getting sidetracked, and to know the why.
Sadly many men take off on an adventure and don’t know where they are going. They may see someone who is making a lot of money in a particular field and believe that is the key to what they need to do. Yet, for the money, it isn’t a strong enough “why” to get you out of bed. It requires the discipline of being ok with failure over and over.
Men have the discipline to allow their kids to live their life their way and be there when they fail. Be there by his wife when she fails. We see that life has a lot of failures in it but the drive to keep on and learn the skill needed to succeed is the ultimate reward.
Independent
One thing about masculinity is that men seek out moments of solitude. They do spend time by themselves. This is for their mental health and so that they can think. This solitude may be in the form of working in their woodshop, going hunting, or camping. They may require a day or a full weekend.
This solitude is not a sign of them being depressed or pulling away. Men just need time to themselves.
Masculine men will take off on adventures by themselves. This is to prove that they still have what it takes to get the proverbial job done and that they can still be self-reliant. This self-reliance is because masculinity does settle for competence. It demands mastery. Does he have what it takes? Is there enough gas in the tank to make it to the top of the mountain? These are only questions that an independent man can answer.
The reason for the independent spirit in masculinity is that we have our own honor code that must be reached. If we fall out of integrity with that code that is when men give up and fall into just being. That means we lose a crucial part of ourselves one that we often believe we can’t get back.
This is why many times men have very black and white ways of thinking. It is right or it is wrong. Yes, we can have our minds changed but that takes proof. That proof is from us going out into whatever wilderness we have to face and seeing who we become when we get back. Men are often willing to learn but we don’t like to give up our beliefs all that quick.
Always learning
Men learn. They take the time to see that they need the required skill to be able to make it to the next level of their quest. Masculine men take learning as part of the deal of improving themselves. We have to work out to get stronger. We have to read to gain new knowledge.
Men learn and they are often very hands-on when learning. This is one reason boys are wrongly labeled ADD because they are bored of just sitting at a desk. They don’t learn by sitting and reading, they learn by applying what they learned. They will take a lesson and see how the principles are applied and work out the rules themselves. Again it is trial and error. They don’t take failure to be a bad thing, they just accept that it happens and they take the lessons learned and keep going.
Emotionally Stable
This is the aspect many get wrong about masculinity. They say they are stoic and say it as a bad thing. When the stoicism in a man is the very thing that makes men great husbands and leaders.
Stoicism has 4 virtues that define it, according to Ryan Holiday of The Daily Stoic, these virtues are Courage, Temperance, Wisdom, and Justice. These virtues are all that make men great leaders. Stoics work to domesticate their emotions. They don’t deny that they have emotions. They know that there is a time and a place for processing those emotions. This is why you will not see a man crying just because he is in a battle. He will process the fear, anger, and any other emotions he has when he is around his band of brothers.
The people in a masculine man’s life need him to be their emotional rock. They need the steady emotions of a man who isn’t going to just fly off the handle because he is disappointed in the outcome.
Takes Responsibility
When something goes wrong a masculine man will own his part of his mistakes. He will own his dirt and make efforts to correct those shortcomings. Change his tactics. Find a way to explain his expectations better for the future. He isn’t going to play the blame game and say throw Jones under the bus because he didn’t communicate to Jones effectively on the reason why this needs to be done.
A masculine man will work to sell his team on his why. He will help his team become successful in their efforts, as any good leader will.
Has other men in his life
Yes, men do go off and spend time alone, but they also have a group of other noble masculine men they will spend time with. This is one reason that the Community pillar is so important for men.
Men need other men to reinforce their masculinity. They need regular interactions with other men to continue to be able to support their families and community. The man’s community is where they offload their negative thoughts and events onto the shoulders of their brothers. That way they can be positive and uplifting for their families.
Men need other men to push them to be better. They need the minds of the other men to be able to refine their plans. The Men of a masculine man’s group help keep a man on track.
Tough and strong
When you think of a man you often have the idea that a man is strong and might have lots of muscles. If you are not sure then ask a young boy what a man looks like and he will often say that very thing.
Yet these days you find men who are out of shape and very soft. It’s not that the masculine man has to be ripped with 6 pack abs and 24-inch biceps but they do need to be in shape. This points back to masculinity protecting those he loves. Part of being masculine is that you have to be in enough shape to outlast the person who is attacking your family.
If a man is out of shape how is he supposed to instill a sense of safety in his wife and kids if he’s out of breath after walking up a flight of stairs? Women can sense this and this is one reason they will leave a relationship and find another man who might be able to do a better job of protecting her and her offspring.
Men often state they don’t know why their wives left them. They will blame it on their wives making more money and that could be some of the issues, but if he can’t see his willy when he looks down that is probably a bigger cause.
Masculine men are often full of energy and a part of working out is that men do need controlled violence in their life. This is one reason contact sports are so popular. They give the men a sense of that violence but don’t fully let them have what they want. So, they sink into despair and often drink and eat and making themselves even less attractive to their wife.
This also explains why Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is becoming so popular. It allows the man to be in a violent encounter without worrying about losing their life. They are also able to train to get stronger and better equipped for any battle that may happen.
This also explains why boys do so many dangerous things when growing up. They crave the violence and if they can harness it they are able to become more effective leaders.
Communicates Assertively
There are 4 types of communication. These communication styles are used by everyone. There is the Passive Communication style, Aggressive communication style, Passive/Aggressive style, and The Assertive Communication style.
The style masculine men use is the assertive style. Those who are passive often want to believe that assertive and aggressive are the same yet they are very much different. The assertive style states what needs to be said in the most direct way possible.
While many people want to be put off by assertive communication it is the style that the most effective leaders use.
What is not Masculinity
Now we have looked at masculine traits, I also want to show what is not masculine.
Masculinity isn’t destructive
Sadly most of society wants to paint men as this destructive beast that destroys anything that they don’t understand. They will trample anybody who isn’t heterosexual, they will set out to ruin anybody who is doing better than them. You will hear that masculinity is destructive and that’s the opposite of what masculinity is.
Yeah, men do like to blow things up, but that falls under controlled violence. Men support other men. They support their families. They support their communities. Masculine men are actually the great support of their communities.
People who do destroy are doing so under the pretense that they are being manly. Yet these are grown boys who didn’t have a father in their home for whatever reason, be it that the father left and never came home or the wife refuses to let the dad see his son. Either way, these boys often get masculinity wrong. They more than likely learned about their undisciplined masculinity from an older boy who didn’t have a clue as to what masculinity was either. You could equate it to your best friend telling you what sex is like though you know for a fact they have even kissed a girl before.
The Nice Guy isn’t Masculine
This is also often the result of a grown boy not having enough masculine interactions with other grown men. The nice guy isn’t nice at all. They are manipulators and liars. They can’t allow their wife or girlfriend to have their own set of emotions and so they try to control what happens with straight-up manipulations.
Nice guys also are resentful because they operate in the world of covert contracts. They do all this stuff to try to make the wife happy and then are mad at the fact that she didn’t know that he was expecting sex at the end of the day. Worse yet she knows she is being manipulated and so she is going to say no because he can’t be man enough to ask.
The Ever Consumer
Men who only consume but never create aren’t masculine either. This is because a grown boy is a consumer. They consume more than they produce. These boys are not men and often will grow to be resentful and try to blame the system for their lack of success.
The Other Communication styles.
These other communication styles of Passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive are all styles of grown boys. They use these styles to try to again manipulate others to do their bidding and nobody likes that.
So with that, you now have an idea of what it means to have masculinity in your life. As a whole, it means your life is fuller and better prepared. You will take on any challenge as it comes about. If you are wanting help on finding your masculinity you can do so by joining the Brotherhood of men. We would like to have you join us.
