Whether you are married or not. There is one thing we nice guys do that is doing us more harm than good. Yeah, it appears to be the ultimate form of honor for our spouse or girlfriend but this activity is one of many reasons you may be looking at splitsville. How much do you cherish your wife?
- She is my everything.
- I married out of my league
- I don’t know how I got so lucky
These are the most common phrases you may have said to yourself or others about your partner. What’s wrong if it’s true? Well, the problem is that you are putting your wife or girlfriend on a pedestal, and that isn’t someplace that is helpful nor do they actually want to be there.
Are you putting your spouse on a pedestal?
It does seem nice to want to put your wife or girlfriend on a pedestal. You want to show her off. Tell the world
“LOOK! How wonderful of a woman I found! She is smoking hot, and she married a numbskull like me!”
It sounds on the surface to be nice and wonderful and all that, but in reality, you are not going to be able to keep her like that. When that pedestal crumbles and falls that’s when the problems start.
Are you doing any of the following?
- You find no wrong in her actions
- They make the decisions
- Everything is over when you fight
- You turn to them for support in everything
- You make their problems your problems
- Worry about the what-if
- texting her WYD several times a day
If so then you might want to start paying attention to this post, because you have placed your girl on a pedestal and things are not as awesome as you think. Though you believe you are raising your woman to wonderful lofty heights in reality most women don’t want to be measured by those standards. They want to be measured by their own standards.
What is that pedestal?
According to Amy Yew, you are placing a person on a pedestal when you,
According to researchers, putting someone on a pedestal or over-idealization of a partner “occurs when perceptions of a partner’s positive evaluation of oneself meaningfully exceed one’s own positive self-evaluation”
This means that you are seeing your wife or girlfriend or anybody actually as being somebody greater than what they are. Wel actually does this to many people, especially celebrities. One of the more famous examples is the Black Sox scandal When Shoeless Joe Jackson and 7 other players were caught throwing a game. When they were banned from baseball for the act a kid was standing outside who “Say it ain’t so Joe”, and Joe’s response was “Afraid so kid”.
When we believe that someone can do no wrong and then they do, it causes a lot of unintentional thoughts to well up and we often have a hard time seeing the other in the same light. This causes us to pull away when that person could use us.
This also causes the idolizer to do everything in his power to make sure he keeps his girlfriend or wife happy. This is where being a nice guy often exacerbates the whole dynamic of the couples living together.
Then there is the unneeded and unwanted pressure on the other person to try to live up to that lofty ideal. There is more manipulation and more pressure on the spouse to try to meet the unrealistic expectations the nice guy has set on them. To have somebody on a pedestal is to try to control how they are. You are having an attached relationship with the person you are idolizing instead of having a differentiated relationship.
But I want to honor my woman
Yeah, women do like to be taken care of, but the problem is being placed on a pedestal and being idolized is first off unnerving. Men suffer from the fault of lust, while women suffer from the fault of comparison. So to put them up on a pedestal first thing they are going to do is compare themselves to their girlfriends. They won’t see what you are trying to do. They see that some of her girlfriends are getting other things and others have this aspect of their relationships while she doesn’t.
Most men don’t want a woman who is selfish, yet you run the risk of actually creating a selfish woman if you see her as not being able to do wrong. Then again you may have a woman who is filled with anxiety because she is afraid you will see she can’t live up to your expectations and leave. This is a big problem when a couple doesn’t live a differentiated life. A co-dependant relationship.
Do you want a strong confident woman? If so, then the co-dependant relationship isn’t it. Co-dependency lowers a person’s self-confidence because they have to have the other person to beagle to do the task at hand. There is also a lack of boundaries. Lots of people-pleasing and that is what a nice guy is. A people pleaser and they are liars and manipulators. The couple reacts to events instead of responding. Along with poor communication skills. This is just scratching the surface. So looking at that list why would you want to have your woman on a pedestal when this is the result?
To me, I can fully see why she would run from you. You are scaring the living crap out of her and she can’t even be true to herself. That is misery. A pedestal is a misery.
Why is the pedestal so bad?
Now I gouged the surface just a moment ago. Yet there are more reasons as to why putting your wife on a pedestal is not conducive to a good relationship.
Pedestal = Distance
When your woman isn’t able to be herself. You are creating distance between you and your wife. This is often the reason why you are not having as much sex as you like. Women need a connection with the man they are wanting to sleep with. If there is no connection there then their clothes stay on their body and the further the connection the more layers of clothes they add.
You also lose the deep intimate connection you and your wife desire because you are trying to manipulate your wife in a very underhanded way.
Less Satisfaction
The relationship won’t be as satisfying as you would like, simply because you aren’t allowing your wife to be the human she is. She is having to worry about falling from this pedestal you created and though she may care about you she can’t love you completely because she isn’t being true to herself. If you take the pressure off her for having to measure up to whatever lofty idea you have about her. You are actually allowing her to open up as a human and you may just see that beautiful woman you first met all those years ago.
Pedestals keep both of yall playing small
You may want to be seen as a great caring man. Yet, that doesn’t help you be the man your woman needs in her life. When you play small you end up frustrated and sensing that you are lacking in your life. That is simply because you are not even trying to reach your potential. Your soul is crying out for the need to be fulfilled. Those challenges in your life you are running away from simply because you don’t want to reach for the big things in life.
Many times we don’t try for the big stuff because we are afraid of what our friends will think. That thought goes for your girlfriend or wife too. What if they think that I’m doing something useless? What if they think I’m being foolish? What if? One you cant prove that is actually what they are thinking and even if they are thinking one of those thoughts, what are you making that mean?
You could be that you are using those thoughts as an excuse to not even try to grow. Because that is scary, because your wife may see what you do as foolish. Then again if you fail she may leave, and then you have a whole new set of thoughts about that circumstance.
The Pedestal doesn’t help the relationship
A relationship is two people going through life together. We have already seen how one person isn’t able to go through life on their terms because they are being placed on a pedestal. This does cause some resentment.
There was a study on couples was done where they actually looked at the distance people sat apart from each other. The couples who had unrealistic adorations of their spouses actually sat further from each other
So how do you love your wife and not put her on a pedestal?
That is you allow her to live her life as she wants. Now it will be a bit messy at first because suddenly you aren’t turning to her for her affirmations on your value. She may get a bit nervous or even scared. Remember you bother were in an interdependent relationship for all this time. Now suddenly when you become independent of her she is going to have thoughts that you are pulling away.
As you start to shift to a differentiated relationship you will see that you are able to fully be yourself and your spouse is able to be herself. This is you doing what you need to be done and your wife is doing what she needs to be done and you come together as individuals.
LIving your life with your wife as independent human beings allows for each of you to be able to grow and reach for the stars. You are able to celebrate her wins and she celebrates yours and celebrates you both having each other back because you are equal not a mere mortal and a goddess.
